My dumb self

im back

so i just read the second chapter of my stupid ass story and it said i was religious..

HA

so um.. long story short im not religious anymore..

i used to be christian but over time i became skeptical of it and was like theres so much stuff about it that seems fake or too far fetched..

like if god made everything.. how was he made?

or how was jesus made? its dumb bc in the bible they dont want you fucking until youre married and so they tried making a way around it saying that she randomly got pregnant without a sperm cell. SO IF THEY DIDNT NEED TO FUCK TO MAKE JESUS DOES THAT MEAN JESUS WASNT A SPERM CELL?

its all so far fetched. also i dont mean to offend anyone either these are just my questions about it and reasons why i dont believe in it.

things i do believe in however are so many things other than christianity.

i believe that everyone goes to the same place after death. even if you were the worst person ever, because the universe doesnt have boundaries or laws as to what makes a good or bad person. i think that ive lived multiple lives before this one, and so has everyone else. i feel so out of place here apart from everyone else. ive always felt judgement from other people. i know a lot about how relationships work even tho ive never been in a proper working one before. i can go on and on about teaching random stuff like that. and i didnt just bring that up randomly, i think that some knowledge from my past life got passed down to me.

i feel like the world is infinite. it will eventually go away one day, and so will we. but where? i feel like our energy will just be scattered through out the cosmos and we will all be existing. but what happens when the black holes destroy the whole universe? that, i dont know. but we'll see one day won't we?

i feel like the reason i have so many problems with myself is because i'm ahead of the average person and how they think about life. i have severe anxiety, signs of depression, i got over an addiction about a year back, i talk to myself, i dont fit in, i have ARFID and heart problems. i feel like im not gonna live past 18.

i feel like im a good person and they say that the good die young. i have this rare eating disorder where the person that has it, has no interest in trying anything they havent had before and its so very difficult to make me like new things. the person is often malnourished or has high cholesterol, needs to take daily vitamins and doesnt have the health of a normal person. they are often weaker. (literally all of those are me)

i eat a lot of junk food. its really unhealthy and i know it is but i cant help it. ive had a hard time since my childhood of me being able to try and like new things. i physically can not like other actual food thats good for me. i may be forced to try it, and i like it, but i dont ever want to eat it again.

i feel bad for my boyfriend and his family, having to deal with me.

it makes me feel so little and unimportant. through out my whole life, i would go to my friend's house, and they would get sad or annoyed at me that i wouldnt try their mom's cooking and it would make me look so bad and stubborn.. when in reality ive been struggling with it my whole life.

my boyfriend and his family love to eat all kinds of food. i wish i was like them. last time i went to his house, they all had chinese food and his mom was so nice and went out of the way to buy me mcdonalds. i feel so bad that they have to deal with me and my needs like that..

sometimes people forget that its something really close to me, and they joke about it or call me white and picky because of the things i dont like to eat.

i may never show it but it really hurts. especially when im called white for something i cant control. it makes me wish i was born another race or something so people wouldnt make fun of me for an eating disorder, because being picky = white.. because theyre racist or use stereotypes and associate picky people with white skin, and every other skin tone isnt because they eat things from many different cultures.

anyways what was i saying..

i also believe in spirits. i really do.

i feel things touch me in my room so often. like on my arm i would feel a finger or just a tap and nothing would be there. i hear sounds in my house when nobodys home. i just feel that someone is always watching me, not a person, but just a ghost or a spirit. i dont think they like me. i get a hint of depressing energy in the air. like somethings off.

i have 1 or 2 ghost stories but that will be for another time.

i believe in many magical sounding things too, like witchcraft (but i wouldnt do it) because lots of crazy stuff can happen when witches do spell jars and stuff like that. it seems legit.

i believe that we have a parallel universe.

i believe that our future and lives are planned out. life has fate, and theres no changing it. no matter what you do to try to avoid death or bad things to happen. they will always creep around and get you because its fate. its just how things are meant to be.

i also believe that people are just on this earth to work for the shadow government, and all were here for is to make them money and do business until we die, and then it starts over again.

anyways im gonna go guys im getting kind of tired, i hope yall found that stuff interesting