My dumb self

blood part. 1

family. a word that can mean many, few, or none. i grew up with 2 people watching over me. my mom, stephanie, and my dad, thomas (tom).

they never got along in my early years. i was surrounded with 2 older people but constantly felt alone in the pain. the pain of having to act like everything is ok in a house full of chaos.

this might seem like a shocker to some people but i was very depressed as a child. i had no siblings. my parents would fight about money or me, all i could do was sit in my room and try to get some sleep. i felt so alone all my life. i just wanted some kids to play with. i went to day care when i was really young, i made some friends but i was always mean.

all i ever knew was how to be mean. i was a devil child. i heavily despised god for some reason. i hated everything, i was really scary and un normal. i was a very misbehaved and un lady-like little girl.

my childhood went by in a blur. i only remember few things, but fully remember how emotionally and mentally painful it was to live.

i didnt have a dad for a couple years, but he came back. he came and went as he pleased. my parents were going to get married at one point, but called off the engagement. im an illegitimate child. i told them they should get married, but they didnt want to for some reason. they said all it is is a piece of paper saying u cant separate unless u file a divorce. i guess they always want that "freedom" to be able to leave without paying? weird but ok.

my dad went in the marines. my mom thinks he has anger issues because of that. always being yelled at and disciplined. his dad passed away when he was young. i dont remember how young but its between my age (15) and 8 probably. i think his anger came from having to live with such an immense loss at a very young age. most boys dont grow up with a father figure, maybe thats where some of their anger comes from.

when i was a child. i had a lot of anger, frustration and sadness in my tiny little body. when i started elementary school it was a whole different place for me. i didnt like following rules that much. i liked doing whatever the hell i wanted to. i met a kid named jayden or something and i liked him on like the 3rd day of kindergarten. the boys there were really weird. he was like "can i kiss you" and i was like "sure" but we never kissed LOL. i met a lot of friends and to this day i only have kept in touch with one. the other ones probably click right past my snapchat story as if i dont exist anymore. i wish i could apologize to all of them. i was such a mean child. i got injected with hate from some source, probably picked it up from my home life. its like i was out of control with the way i acted all thru those years. like i was being driven in a car with a mind of its own. i never wanted to act that way. i dont think i was really alive when i was young.

i think i was like half dead or something. i literally couldnt control the things i said, the way i acted or anything else. i couldnt even think the way i wanted to. its like the only sense i had was sight. i could only see everything that was happening and what i was doing/thinking and not do shit about it. i didnt want to act the way i was. or see the world how i saw it. looking back it feels like i was trapped in a different body for the beginning years of my life, like i literally had the devil in me.

lol sorry all that shit sounds crazy. but anyways..

i met a lot of friends. i was kind of popular. i only held a few people close to my heart tho.

i feel like ur life all depends on who u meet. if u meet good people with good hearts, you'll want to be happy just like them. if u meet bad people with poor life choices, you'll see how fun it is to be like them and start trying to do that stuff too.

god its really hot in here. what is it like 90° in here? sorry im in my room under the blankets typing this at 1:45 am. im supposed to be sleeping bc school starts in 2 fucking days. but whatever thats what caffeine is for.