he understands me. he's always been there for me. made me smile when i was crying. made me laugh when i was mad. told me it was ok to have flaws.
"show your cute face don't hide it"
changed me.
like how a misunderstood villain gets turned into a good person. bc they realized there is so much more to life than just being bad.
(old flashback) at a time i forgot how to love. i didnt want to, or care to. i was numb from just about every feeling.
anger, remorse, heart break, depression, happiness, and love.
i couldnt feel any of those. i had grown used to feeling, and just stopped. every emotion went over my head like a wave. i stayed in my room for hours at a time, thinking. contemplating.. while my parents denied anything was wrong with me. they took my phone and things away bc they believed my social media/friends were the reasons why i was depressed. the people that tell me its all going to be ok. the people who send me love-filled messages that mean everything to me. i was alone with only my thoughts. no friends to talk to. no one to understand. i wasnt thankful for my parents. im the only child, the least they could do is listen to me. i got into arguments with them more frequently, got my phone taken for longer periods of time. cried myself to sleep for longer hours and more days. i was so alone.
jose helped me, to not feel alone. on days i would come to school crying, he would wipe my tears away and hold me until i felt better. no one ever does that. he would walk me to class and made sure i would actually go. i would always want to skip class. i didnt want to be in there. i wanted to be alone and do things i liked for once. he said "no, u cant skip class ur gonna get in trouble" but he would sometimes skip and come to my class to see me. i didnt care about getting in trouble. but i listened to him. he always wanted whats best for me.
during my relationship with pepper, i would be very judgmental of myself bc of the things he had said. i thought i was too fat. my friends said i was beautiful and skinny, but i didnt believe them. i would stop eating. i would always say "im not hungry" and just drink water. i would get tired easily, and sleep longer than usual. i had no food for me to have enough energy thru the day. i turned to energy drinks and they made me really hyper. i liked this feeling. i would drink 1 almost every few days and kept the tabs from them. i had a chain with almost 50 colorful monster tabs. there were several more that i drank before i started collecting them.
it turned into an addiction for me. an embarrassing one. after a while of drinking them, my stomach would have the most painful piercing pains, and i would have heart burn that would feel never ending. one time i drank 3 monsters in the span of about 6 hours. when i drank the 3rd one i was at paiton's house and we were having a sleepover. i was sitting on the couch laughing and drinking it, having fun. when it went into my system, i have never experienced anything like it. the world had stopped. my heart was racing, and so were my thoughts. i felt like i was going to die right then and there. i had chills all over my body. i felt like i lost control of myself. i set the drink down and put my head to my knees, and hugged myself tight. i looked sort of like this:
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