My dumb self

fears

HI! i thought now would be a good time to write about things im afraid of.

so i really really like this person very much and im scared of him ever losing feelings or drifting away from me. weve been thru so much and i love him to death and i never would want him to leave me one day. im attached. im sitting in a bath typing this wondering if something like that could ever happen. hes told me multiple times that he's never going to leave me or lose feelings. but theres always room in my mind for the doubt to start creeping in and take over. he's my dream boyfriend. idk if im exactly his dream girl but ive stuck with him thru everything and been loyal and honest.

i think about it a lot. whether anyone will just leave one day and think im not fun anymore.

this one time in 9th grade my best friend natalia left me after being best friends for 3 years. 3 years. and we havent met paths again. at the beginning of the school year it seemed that she was pushing me away on purpose. i tried to make plans but she would never get back to me and let me know if she would go. or if she wanted to have a sleepover. or small things. the only notifications i would get from her were streaks. there was no reason to be felt like i was dragged along with her as a last choice anymore. i always had a follower tracker for my instagram to see if anyone i follow unfollows me. she unfollowed me, so i unfollowed her. i blocked her on snapchat and we haven't talked since. no good byes. no have a nice lifes. no sorries.

best friends mean more than what it sounds like. theyre a person that understands you. they care about you in a way no one else does. not in a gay way, but as a sister/brother kind of way. they bring laughs and smiles when you feel like you forgot how to. they try their best to see you on weekends or after school, even if it doesn't work out its the thought that counted. sometimes they're over-extra with gifts. on holidays like valentine's day if you're alone, they try to make everything a little bit better by getting u some of ur favorite candy or making some hand-made things. they're there to comfort you if a boy/girl broke you're heart,

not be the reason your heart is broken.

another occurrence of someone leaving me: my first boyfriend. i sometimes brought that up in this relationship and why im so cautious about it happening. jose would say "but i'm not him, am i?" and would say he's gonna stay with me forever.

my last boyfriend lost interest in me bc he didnt get what he wanted. with jose, he said he doesnt care whether we ever have sex or not, ever. he said we can be wholesome for the rest of our relationship, it doesnt matter. he said he loves me for my personality.

u might be like "sierra why the fuck r u doubting whether he really loves you or not he obviously does."

to give u a real answer,

i dont know why. i guess that would be my biggest fear. my loved ones all leaving me. without them, i would be nothing. without him, i would have no world. he is my world.

i dont know why i doubt, why i question, why i overthink, or why im over-sensitive. i have the worst traits any one could have, caring too much.

theres a part in my brain where even though everything is ok, my anxiety is like "is it really ok?"

and then im like
"actually now that i think about it idk"

and it goes on and on until im crying and sending my boyfriend heartfelt paragraphs at night telling him how much i love him and dont want him to leave.

he probably wakes up and goes like tf? LOL

i hate having my mindset sometimes

its really weird.

what if everyone thinks im weird.

is everyone just acting like im normal

what even is happening i cant stop thinking wtf.

ew whats happening i hate this feeling.

anyways im sorry about that.

ugh.

i also have a fear of dying with no warning.

what if everything, including life as you know it is just.. gone? in an instant?

you could be in the passenger seat when your moms driving and

black.

no thoughts, no good byes, no i love yous, gone.

your existence is gone.

your friends are gone.

your family is gone.

your room, your school, your boyfriend's house, your grandma's house, your best friend's house, everything else that meant things to you, gone.

what happens next?

there has to be something?

all of your life had to have meant something?

why did you have to leave so fast?

was any of it real?

.. u gotta tell everyone that you love them. bc if something happens to you and you didn't get to tell them, you wont have the chance to ever again.

all of this is real shit. real people, real places, real problems, real solutions.

dont put it off until tomorrow. do it now. whatever it is. ask that girl out. sneak to your friend's house. eat that food that you wanted. watch that scary ass movie everyone said not to watch.

whatever u do in this life, just remember something.

let people know you love them.

you can never say it enough times.

thats why i think im creepy bc i say it too much to my boyfriend but he knows i love him. he may not be able to fully grasp it but he truly knows that he means something to me.

i dont say it that much to my friends bc today if i was like I LOVE YOU to them they would be like uh i love you too. weirdo.

so while the world is ending and all that shit, now would be a good time to start telling everyone how you feel. whether you feel like punching them in the face, or giving them a kiss, or just saying to have a nice day, do it. make your move. now.

don't regret it.

i love yall i hope i was inspiring enough