"So you gonna tell me what that was all about?" I asked Rylan, who was crouching over the mare.
"What is there to tell?" he sighed, making no move to stand.
"You were in the marines," my hands found my hips and I glared down at him, not that it did me much good; he wasn't even looking at me.
"I know that," he said sarcastically, "what has that got to do with anything?"
"Rylan," I sighed, "that is a major part of your past that you just decided to hide from me," he still did not look up. "I just want to know why you decided to keep secrets from me," I said, angry that my voice was weak, but he finally looked up at me.
"I didn't want you to look at me differently," he said, his head dropped again.
"Why would I look at you differently?" I moved to stand just in front of him.
"Kody," he said, standing up, "I-I-I don't want to talk about it," he turned back away from me and starting striding for the barn door.
"Rylan!" I yelled at his dismissal of me. "I just want to understand," I whispered and he stopped hand poised over the handle.
I took a step toward him. "Rylan I want to know everything about you," he stiffened but otherwise made no movement. "You already know everything about me and the only things I know about you are where you went to college, your mother and brother's names, and that you love me," he finally turned back to me.
"Why do you need to know anything else?" he asked, his eyes were glassy and his jaw ticked.
"I need to understand," I reached for him, but me moved away from me.
"I never wanted you to find out about my past," he took a few measured steps away.
"Why?" I asked watching his back.
"Because I'm ashamed dammit," he whirled around to face me, anger etched across his face. "Why would I want you to know about the people I killed?" he bellowed. "Or the reason I'm not in the marines any longer? Dammit Kody," he took a step toward me, "I love that look you get in your eyes when you look at me," he took another step and his voice rose. "You look at me like I am some kind of sainted hero," he was staring down at me. "Why would I want to give that up?" his voice was soft now.
"I'm not going to look at you any differently," I protested, but he shook his head.
"Yes you will," he yelled again and when I flinched he took a step back. "You will get that same look my mom gets when she looks at me, I could not bear for you to look at me like that."
I stared back up at him, my eyes clouding from the unshed tears. I could see the anguish on his face whatever was in his past hurt him and I had no desire to hurt him any further.
"Okay," I whispered his eyes flicked down to me. "I won't ask again," I smiled weakly, the tension left his shoulders, but his face was still wary. "I love you Rylan," I reached up to cup his cheek. "I want you to always remember that okay," he nodded slowly.
"I love you too Kody," he whispered, dropping his forehead against mine.
"I know you do baby."
Rylan pulled me into his chest as the darkness surrounded us in his room.
"I joined the marines right out of high school," he whispered against my ear.
"You don't have to tell me," I said trying to push myself up, but he held me against him.
"I know," he sighed, but continued.
"My father died in the middle of my senior year," his voice was shaky. "After he passed," he swallowed hard against my ear, "I got into some trouble with the law, but it was all swept under the rug because the sheriff had been my father's best friend, but he told me that I needed to get my act together because my father would not want a criminal as a son," I snuggled down into his chest and focused on his words.
"My father was a marine," he said, his voice light, "so I thought I would follow in his footsteps, even though my mother told us that our father never wanted us to join the military, I didn't listen," he gave a chuckle that sounded forced. "I signed up the day I graduated. Mom cried when I told her and Tucker just stormed out of the house, he didn't come back until the next day with papers of his own," his voice was tight again. "Mom cried even more that morning. We left for training the next week. We both finished at the top of your class and then got shipped to Afghanistan," he shuddered, so I wrapped my arms tightly around him, his head dropped to mine. "Not long after we got there we were called out to a village to check for weapons, we heard gun shots as we were pulling up and immediately starting shooting," his voice cracked and he stiffened underneath my finger tips.
"When the dust finally settled," he continued as I rubbed his back, "we realized that it wasn't even gun shots that we had heard, there were some kinds popping fire works," he stopped again, his body was shaking violently against mine.
"We killed them," he chocked out and my eyes widened in understanding. "Everyone of them lying dead in the middle of this little village. Four little boys all under the age of ten killed by the US Marines," I kissed his chest where his heart was thundering.
"Our commanding officer gave us all pats on the back and ordered us to burn the village to the ground, so I went a little crazy," he stopped shaking then and I looked up even though I couldn't see his eyes. "I got discharged that same week," he sighed against my hair. "It took me a year to get my shit back together and get into A&M, but I never looked back," he looked down at me, his face close enough for me to see his unshed tears.
"Do you understand now?" he asked, voice still shaky. "How could I have told you that I killed little boys?"
"Rylan," I sighed up at him, "you don't even know for sure if you killed any of them," I tried to reason.
"In my heart I killed them all," he answered.
"I will understand if you want to leave now," he said and I rolled out of his arms. I felt him roll away from me assuming that I was leaving him, which is why he was surprised when I flicked the lights back on.
"Rylan look at me," I demanded. "Come on Rylan," I said pulling him on his back. "Look at me," his eyes met mine. "I love you," I said and his eyes darted over my face. "I don't care about your past," I said, cupping his cheek. "I love you."
He was quite for a few more moments as I waited for him to realize the truth.
"I love you Kody," he gasped out before pulling me down to him. His mouth moved over mine, "I don't deserve you," he said against my lips and before I could shake my head in protest he finished, "but I'm not ever letting you go."
