Until Her...

Chapter Thirty-Two

I've been completely silent the whole rainy car ride back to the dorms. I'm completely freaked out by what he said on the beach and now I'm too terrified to say anything. Gabriel constantly looks over at me but I keep staring out of the passenger window, hoping that he doesn't ask me what's wrong. I'm dying to get inside when he finally pulls up outside my dorms.
"Thank you for a great day. I had a lot of fun" I quickly tell him, give him a rushed peck on the cheek and dash out of the car and towards the dorms as fast as I can, without looking back. When I get inside my room I thought I'd feel relieved but I don't, I'm clouded by regret and unhappiness for the first time in days. I've now ruined everything. I should've said something back instead of freaking out like I usually do. What is wrong with me? Before I can bury myself to deep into my darkness, Gabriel comes barging into my room, slamming my door behind him. He's soaking wet as he didn't bother to put his coat on, I should've known he'd chase after me for answers. Yet I don't think I'm quite ready to give them to him.
"What the hell was that?" he screams, showing the anger that he was restraining earlier.
"What?"
"The way you reacted back in the car...and on the beach. You've been completely silent and have hardly said a word to me"
"I don't know what you're talking about" I act ignorant, but he doesn't take my bullshit.
"You ran away from me...literally. We're supposed to be... I don't know... getting to know each other or something" he struggling to find the right term for what we are, and I'm glad cause I sure as fuck don't know either. Today was the first day he's ever expressed any true feelings for me, and yeah I freaked out. Just like I always do whenever anything good comes into my life, so I bite my bottom lip to keep from blurting out the truth. 
"I'm not leaving here until you tell me the truth" his anger has faded slightly but he's still demanding answers from me. His soaking wet hair and t-shirt are clinging against his skin, showing every perfect muscle, so I look away because he's to damn distracting.
Gabriel presses and presses until I have no choice but to admit, "Nothing I just got a bit..." I start to get shy, too scared to say how I truly feel about him. 
"Nervous?" he asks with a stupid smug smile, like he's getting off on my fear and anxiety. "Why would you be nervous around me?"
He knows why and he's only asking to humiliate me, and now our tender moment get's ruined by my temper. The way I always ruin things when I'm scared of feeling too much.
"Argh you're so confusing" I shout at him. "I don't understand you. We keep going around and around in circles. I never know which version of you I'm going to get. You can be the kindest person I've ever met, but you can also be the cruelest. So which one are you, huh?"
"Since when is being kind to you such a bad thing?" he asked confused.
"No, I like that version of you. I just don't think your acting that way for the right reasons"
"And what would those be?" questioning my reasoning.
"You get off on knowing how to get under my skin. You like to hurt people because it makes you feel better about yourself. I don't know what it is that we're doing, but I don't think it's because you want to be my friend. You want something to play around with and then throw away. Because It's convenient for you... you've told me as much" I accuse him loudly.
"You know what, you're right I don't want to be your friend" He yells at me. Storming off and out of my room. But as soon as I think this argument is over he comes trudging back in for more. I've seen him angry, but I've never seen anger radiate off of him like this before. His hands are balled into a fist, clenched so tightly by his sides, its like he wants to hit something. I've seen that look before... many times.
"You don't know me. You say I'm a bad person and I'm rude, but you're the one who's constantly being judgmental about me. You think you have me figured out, but you don't. You're so blind by your own superiority to even give me the benefit of the doubt. You decided who I was long before you even gave yourself a chance to get to know me" he defends himself from my harsh words. I go on and on about him upsetting and hurting me, but it isn't until this moment that I realise I've been doing the same thing to him. I'm no better than him, and he's no worse than me. 
But instead of apologising I push, "That's not fair! I gave you the benefit of the doubt after the first time we met. You were lashing out cause I was critical of your work, but then you kept being rude and getting harsher every time I'd seen. But then suddenly you became kind, caring and fun to be around. I got comfortable... and then you went straight back to playing games with me"
"I'm not play games with you Norah. I was at the start but I've been honest with you about that, I haven't since the party and you know that" He calmly says to me and it takes me completely off guard with the words he is saying and the sincerity in them.
"Then what the hell are you doing, because it sure feels that way" I shout unable to control my emotions. 
"I'm trying to get to know you" he screams back at me me like I'm completely ignorant to everything. Which it appears I am.
"All the back and forth? All the unhappiness...all because you want to know who I am. You'll never know who I am, I wont let you, I won't let anyone" We are screaming so loudly that everyone in the dorms can probably hear us, Avery can probably hear us, but I don't care. In this moment I don't care about anything because I'm feeling so many emotions all at once, and some emotions I've never even felt before. It's so overwhelming I don't know how to live in it.  
"I don't know why I'm even bothering" the venom in his voice so clear and he comes close to me.
"Neither do I. Do us both a favour and leave me alone" I say in order to push him away but he doesn't move an inch, instead he leans closer and closer until I feel the cold water from his hair dropping onto my body. 
"I thought you were different from most girls. I thought you were pretty cool, even though you're weird as fuck. I was wrong, you're just like every other stuck up judgemental bitch... desperate for attention" he backhandedly says, as his blue eyes piercing into my heart.
"I'm not desperate. And just because I don't agree with you or put up with your crap, that doesn't make me a bitch. I thought you coming around and wanting to spend time with me meant something, but obviously not" If he's not going to leave then I have too because I can't take one more minute of this torture. I hear the thunder and rain pouring outside but I don't care, so I head towards the exit of the dorms.
"Where the hell do you think you're going?" Gabriel says marching after me.
"You wouldn't leave, so I did. Leave me alone, I can't stand to be around you"
"Look who's lying again" he scorns me.
"Oh get over yourself, not ever girl is in love with you" I'm dodging people left and right as I make my way down the stairs, "You're the one who keeps coming around. Are you that desperate to get back into bed with me?"
"If you hate me so much then why do you keep letting me?" He says just as we reach outside. I turn on my heels to respond but I don't have anything to say, so I turn back around just as fast and keep walking, letting the rain fall against my skin. "Why do you keep begging for me to touch you...over and over again" He says so nastily that it stops me in my tracks. I know what he's implying and that's bullshit and he knows it. He's been more than just a bit of fooling around to me, but maybe I'm not to him. Maybe his confession on the beach was just a ploy or part of a game? How am I supposed to believe that he's done with playing games with me when he says shit like that. 
"Don't worry I'll never be doing anything like that with you ever again"
"Fine. Just remember that you're the one who ruined all of this, not me. You freaked out, not the other way around. You read too much into everything Norah because you're scared" he says over the roaring thunder. I'm soaking wet and shivering, but I'm too numb to feel the cold.
"I'm not scared" I whisper unsure if he heard my lies.
He takes slow calculated steps towards me, but I can't seem to move my feet. "You can't stand the idea of letting anyone near you, even your friends don't know the real you. I knew you were guarded and that you pretended with me, but I didn't think you'd do it with them. You act like you don't give a shit about anyone or anything, but it's all bullshit isn't it. You're terrified about what people think"
"Stop it" I  feel like he's seen right through to my soul, or maybe he's been able to hear all of my self loathing thoughts.
"You're terrified of letting anyone close to you" He gets closer to me and I avoid his eyes, instead I watch as the rain pours down his body."I know more about you than you care to think. I've been between your legs enough times"
And there it is. The dick head comment to break me out of my temporary moment of vulnerability, "You're such an asshole" I scream and walk away, but he snatches my wrist and stops me.
"You told me things... Why if you care so little for me?" He shakes me, as if he's trying to release something from inside me. "What are you so afraid of?" You, I want to scream. I'm afraid of my feelings for you. But something inside of me won't let me say it? The darkness is trying to drag me back into the comfort and safety of loneliness, but Gabriel won't let me. 
"We fooled around a couple times and I've told you things I've never told anyone before, so what. It doesn't mean anything! You don't know me, you couldn't possibly know me. Not the real me" I feel something inside of me crack. His words to me have been so harsh, but they've also been true. I am broken, damaged, guarded, unwilling and selfish. But I have to be, I have to protect myself.
"I know you Norah" Cold sharp pain cuts within me as he says those words, and I slam myself against a wall to create distance from him. "You have a hundred stripped t-shirts. Your socks go on first unless they're fluffy. Bbq over ketchup, unless it's on scrambled eggs" I crack a little more with every detail he tells me. I'm trying with everything I have not to break completely. I can't break. I can't let him see me break. I can't... "You're not a morning person. You carry a book with you everywhere incase you get inspired. And every time I think you're letting me in, you push me further away"
"No...No...you...don't" I can feel myself falling apart with each word I'm trying to say, "You...can't...you..."
"I know you Norah. I see you. I see the real you" He says so honestly, and that's all it takes to tip me over the edge. A stinging and aching pain builds behind my eyes, and I feel the water drip down my face. I can taste warm salty liquid as it fall onto my lips alongside the rain. I press my hand against my face, and realised they're tears. I haven't cried since Dylan's death, not for six years...until now... until him. This infuriating and insufferable boy has managed to find a way to creep into my heart and all the pain and sadness I've festered over the years are threatening to swallow me whole. Gabriel wraps his arms around me and pulls me into his chest, "I'm not giving up so let me in... just let me in Norah, please" I try to fight him off out of pure frustration and fear, but he squeezes me tightly never letting go. I don't know how long I cry for, but I know it must have been a while because the rain has stopped and we've both started to dry. My body relaxes and I stop fighting him, instead I dig my face into his chest and wrap my arms around his waist. He leads me back into my bedroom, and finally the crying stops and I relinquish some of my pain I'd been harbouring. I'm exhausted both physically and emotionally, and all I want is sleep. Gabriel helps me change out of my wet clothes and gathers fresh ones from my drawers. I climb into bed and watch him as he stands in the middle of my room watching me. "Stay with me?" I beg, knowing that I feel better when he's near me. Gabriel takes all his clothes off and slips into the shorts he keeps here. He climbs into bed and pulls me into him, whispering "Always" as we lie side by side facing each other. His thumb brushes against my last falling tear.  He touches my face and plays with my hair, and it's one of the most endearing and romantic things he does. After his smile and deep blue eyes, it's my favourite thing about him. He wants to say something to me, I know he does,  but stops because he's already pushed me too much today. He's worried that he'll upset me beyond repair, and I want to tell him that that's not it. That there is so much more to all of this, things he couldn't ever comprehend.