Until Her...

Chapter Seventy-Eight

I wake up from Gabriel's touch. The covers are pulled back exposing my bare back as I lie on my front. His fingers are softly tracing along the lines of my tattoo, the one we argued over the first time we were in bed like this. I turn my head to face him careful not to move my body, so that he'll keep touching me. I really thought that he'd be gone when I woke up this morning, or at least dressed and ready to leave. But he is still here, lying half naked with me.
"Morning"
"Morning" my voice comes out so small and fearful. I don't say anything I just watch him trace the dark ink. It feels like hours before he finally says something.
"Can I ask you something" and I nod, "Your tattoo"
"You want to know why I got so angry when you asked me about it?"
"Was it Dylan?" he asks apprehensively. I shift onto my side so I can see him better, but I move my arm in front of my chest so that he can still see my tattoo, "Four roses?"
"For, Meg, Grace, Dylan and I"
"Three black, one red" he wonders. I try to figure out a way to tell him, but I don't think he'll understand.
"To represent the love I used to have for my parents, my sisters... and myself"
"And Dylan?"
"He's the red flower, it was my way of keeping him alive I guess. That's why I got it here, so I can carry him with me always" and I place my hand over his as it rests over my tattooed ribs, "Protected, and close to my heart. My love for him is always with me"
"The love you had?" he wonders, picking up on my earlier choice of words.
"We all changed that day. My parents fought more, Grace would pick fights with me, and Meg became so over protective. And I...well...I pushed people away whenever they let me down or hurt me. Which my family did over and over again"
"That's why you shut yourself off?"
"Partly... They couldn't hurt me anymore, nobody could. They all blamed me" I can feel my eyes start to sting as the memories come back to me.
"For Dylan's death?" And I retell the events of that night, giving him more details than I did to my friends. I tell him everything, and all about my life afterward.
By the time I've finished the tears are forming, "I miss him. I miss him everyday"
"It's okay to be angry. To miss him. It's ok to feel too much sometimes" he tells me.
"Everyday I'd walk around with this an emptiness. But since I came to New York I didn't feel it so much anymore. But it's slowly started to creep back side me and it's breaking me all over again"
"You've had a lot of shit happen to you, things that no kid should ever have to go through. No person should, so you did the only thing you knew to do. You broke down, and closed yourself off. But you're not broken, if you were I wouldn't love you as much as I do. As much as your friends" he tells me as if it all makes sense and he's starting to understand why I am the way I am. And the rational part of me knows Dylan's death wasn't my fault, but the other part of me says I'll never be truly happy because of it.
"Last time I said I love you was too Dylan, and I swore it would be the last time those words came out of my mouth"
"But you said it to me" he says full of remorse, like he forced me to say it to him. But he didn't.
"I did, and I don't regret it. I was a kid when I made that promise. I never could have imagined I'd meet you, let alone fall in love you. I thought I was incapable of loving anyone after Dylan. Because I loved him so much, and I'll always love him. But with you it's totally different"
"How?"
"It's sort of all consuming. Like I ... like I can't breathe without you" He looks away and moves onto his back, no longer touching me. I shouldn't have said that, it isn't fair, we're not together anymore. "I'm sorry I shouldn't have —" I start saying until...
"No don't" his voice cuts over mine, "That's how I feel about you"
I run my hands through his hair, looking longingly at him, "I'm sorry for pushing you away and hurting you time and time again"
He looks back at me, "I told you I loved you, but I didn't show it enough. I didn't make you feel loved enough"
"We've both made mistakes. Can't we just put them behind us and start again? A clean slate with everything out in the open?" I question and demand at the same time.
"I don't know if I can Norah" he moves to the edge of the bed keeping his back to me. I sit up behind him with my back pressed to the wall, pulling my knees to my chest for comfort.
"Do you love me?" I ask and he turns to look at me.
"Of course I do"
"Then forgive me please" I beg him.
"It's not about forgiving you" he sighs and says, "You'll change your mind again"
"What?"
"You've done it before, so what's to stop you from doing it again? You didn't love me and then suddenly you do"
"I was lying and that's the only time I've ever lied to you, and the only time I ever will. I love you, I swear I love you. You are it for me. You're everything" I declared to him over and over again. But maybe he's finally starting to believe me, so I'll say it again and again if that's what it takes.
I move forward and grab the side of his face with my hands, and looking deeply into his eyes, hoping that he can see just how much I care about him. "I love you. I love you. I love you"
Gabriel pulls me back into him, holding me tight. But I keep saying it until Gabriel finally stops me with his lips, his kiss so warm and loving.
"I love you too. It's been fucking hell without you. I couldn't stop thinking about you. What you were you doing, if you were okay, if you missed me" he confesses to me, in between our kisses.
"Of course I missed you. Why do you think I ran out of that bar so fast? It was killing me being so near you. I've been miserable without you. I hardly left my room. All I could think about was how much I wish I could be with you"
"Norah" And he runs his hands up my neck and into my hair, kissing my neck.
"You can't leave me. I can't take losing you again" I beg him.
He stops kissing, looks me in the eyes and swears "Never"
"Promise me?" I need to hear him say it, for my own piece of mind.
"I promise, I'll never leave you. I'll fight for you, I'll always fight for you" he smiles at me. And I pull his lips to mine, taking him in. And I'm grateful were both uncovered as his mouth and hands immediately go to my breasts. I pull him down so he's on top of me, and I slip my hand down so I can touch him. He sighs as I start rubbing him again and again, and I look up with my big eyes.
"Shit... I'm going to come if you keep doing that" he moans against me. I move off him and stand up and he leans back onto his elbows. I slowly pull the pyjama shorts I put on last night down, leaving me in my black lace knickers. And now I'm silently thanking myself for doing it.
"Fuck...you're killing me wearing those. When did even put them on?" He says covering his face with a pillow playfully, and then he looks back up at me again. I give him a mischievous smile because I know he loves this pair, which is exactly why I put them on. They tie together at the sides, knotted into a perfect bow. He slowly slides his hand up my thighs brushing against my wetness. He leans forward to presses his face against my panties as his mouth moves around to the sides so he can undo the straps with his teeth, leaving soft kisses along the way. It's so sexy and feel like I might just tip over the edge from watching him against me. My knickers fall to the floor as he softly grabs my bum to pulls me back onto him. He parts my legs and slides his finger deep inside me, getting me ready. He wants me desperately... right now he wants me. But I'm going to make him work for it. We skipped some of the fun stuff last night because we both needed to be with each other one last time. But it doesn't feel like we've ended, it's like we're just beginning. A fresh start for the both of us, where I can try and be more open honest with this boy I love more than anything.
"Don't rush baby..." I whisper in his ear, teasing him. I kiss him running my lips and hands all over his body. And then I take him, feeling ever part of his manhood inside my mouth. I start off slowly but get faster each time I bring him into me. He grabs my hair and pulls my mouth deeper into him, until he lifts his hips off the bed moaning as he reaches his climax. I can feel him dripping down the back of my throat.
"Fuck ... I've miss that" he says, falling back on the bed with a massive smile. I kiss him tenderly, so he can taste himself. I'm twisting the soft brown curls of his hair through my fingers, staring and taking him in. His face is pretty messed up from his fight yesterday, dark bruises have formed around his eye and mouth. He's still the most beautiful person I've ever seen and I'm counting our lucky stars for having him here with me. I rest my head against his chest so I can hear his heart beat.
"I've missed this" I say, feel fortunate enough to have started to find our way back to each other.
"What sucking my dick?" he messes with me, knowing that's not what I mean. I look up at his bright blue eyes, and the darkness that had been there the last few says has gone, and the bright blue's returned
"No, being here with you, in your arms"
"Me too" he says pulling me tighter. Being with him is the happiest I've ever felt in my life, and my heart could burst for all this love and joy. But I'm worried this might not last.
"What does this all mean?" I ask him.
"I don't know. I just know that I can't stay away from you" He says as his chest rises and falls. And I can hear his rapid heartbeat slowing down.
"Maybe we should just stop"
"Stop what" He panics and stiffen underneath me.
"Trying to stay away from each other. I want us to be together" I say to ease his mind, and when he relaxes I know he wants the same thing.
"We are together"
I whisper softly into his chest, not looking at him, "You know what's not what I mean. Get back together. To be us again" And when he stiffens again I'm worried that he doesn't want the same thing anymore.
He starts to mutter "I.. I... " I knew last night was meant to be our last time, but when I woke up and he was still here and then we talked through everything. I thought...hoped maybe. I don't know, after we'd just been together, maybe he'd want to be with me again.
"It's fine, I get it" I say with bitterness. I jump off of the bed and grab my dressing gown from behind my door to cover my naked body. I start grabbing his clothes from the floor and throw them at him as he sits up to lean on the side of the bed.
"You're angry with me?" he asks surprised.
"If don't want to be with me that's fine... you should just go" I snap.
"That's not what I meant" he regains himself, so I stop just as I'm about to throw his shoes, "I can't go back to being us again"
"What that supposed to mean?"
"I can't go back to how we were before. I want it to be like it was last night and this morning. No longer keeping things from each other things or not being honest with how we feel" He looks up at me.
"I won't. I've told you I would try... that I'll try to be more forthcoming and open with you. That's just what I've been trying to do" I promise.
"What happens when we get out of this room? Are gonna go back to you refusing to hold my hand or kiss me while we're out with our friends? I can't go back to being so secretive again"
He kept me a secret just as much as I did, "It wont be like that, I've told Avery and Eli everything about us. Can you say the same with you and your friends?"
"I wanted to tell people, but you told me I couldn't say anything till Avery knew. Then she found out, and you were still keeping me a secret" He's right I was, but I had reasons.
"I know... cause... it's humiliating"
His hands clench the sheets of my bed, trying to calm down, "Oh I get it. You were embarrassed of me" How did we get back to fighting? We obviously have more air to clear than I thought.
"No, why would you ever think that? You're the one who should be embarrassed of me" I yell at him.
"Why?"
"Because you're too good for me. I know it, everyone know's it. I see the way people look at me when we're together" I blare at him.
"Who gives a fuck what they think" He yells right back at me.
"I do! Avery was right, I'm not good enough for you. I'm not funny enough, honest enough, or even kind enough for you. You deserve someone better than me, but I'm too selfish to let you go"
"You're an idiot" he laughs at me.
"No, I'm not. I hear what they say about me, what your friends have said"
"I don't care what they think and neither should you"
"You don't get it. Look at me and look at you. You've got your fancy clothes and expensive car. And I'm still wearing the same shit I wore back in high school" I know I sound stupid and irrational, but I don't care because it's true. I can't help but let all the crap people say get to me.
"Oh, so cause my family's rich it means I'm too good for you. Listen to yourself, I don't care about any of that. I don't care what my family thinks, what our friends or any fucking stranger on the street thinks" he stands and starts putting his clothes on. "You're doing it again. I accidentally said the wrong thing and now you're freaking out and pushing me away. This is exactly what I'm talking about" he says as he does his jeans up.
"I can't help it, it's the way I am. I can't suddenly change overnight, I've tried to be more open with you. But it's going to take time"
"I know you've been trying, and I love you so much more because of it. But I'm not going to stay and have you tell me that you're not good enough for me"
"But I'm not" I look down defeated. He's so incredible that it makes me feel unworthy.
"I'm not perfect and neither are you. I'm not naive enough to think otherwise, but I love you. Your best qualities and your worst. But I'm not going to listen to you speak shit about yourself. I love you and you love me, and that's enough. You asked me earlier if I wanted to get back together with you, but you didn't let me answer" He says and removes my hands from my face. "You're my everything Norah. You're it. I want to be with you and only you"
"Really" I ask, feeling slight relief.
"Yes, you crazy woman" He says and kisses me gently, "Now can we put this behind us and start over?"
"You're sure?"
"I love you. You know there's no way I could live without you" he tells me pressing his forehead against mine.
I say, "I love you" with a kiss to follow.
"Now let's get breakfast cause I'm starving. Or I'll have to rip that ridiculous thing off you, and fuck you on that desk" he says playfully to me.
"We could always do both" I say raising my eyebrows, giving Gabriel a mischievous smile. When we mess about like this I know things between us will be okay.