Until Her...

Chapter Eighty

"You all right?" Gabriel asks me, seeing the internal conversation I'm having with myself. My fear and nerves so present in my eyes.
"Yeah... I was just thinking" I tell him.
"About?"
"Us"
"You're not having second thoughts are you?" he asks me, his voice and body strain behind me.
"No, far from it. I've never wanted anything more than I do you" I reassure him, and I feel his body relax against me.
"I love you Norah" he tells me, and no matter how many times he tells me, I still can't quite believe it.
"Why"
"Because I do" Is all he says.
I press him again, "I need to know why. You could be with any girl so why me? Why did you choose to love me?"
"I didn't chose to love you, I just did. It's not like I woke up one day as was like 'I'm going to fall in love with Norah'. It took me a long time to realise I loved you. I'd go days without seeing you, but I would think about you every second wishing I could see you smile again. I'd count down the hours and minutes till our next class together. Or I'd make random excuses to come over to your dorms, hoping you'd come out of your room so I could talk to you. You were the centre of my whole being and everything became about you. I new I liked you, but I didn't know how much I needed and wanted you. That I'd do anything for you. I was happy to be your friend if that's all you wanted. But I knew I needed you around me"
I move away from him, alarm ringing through me.
"I'm sorry I didn't mean to freak you out" he says to me.
"No, it's not that" I say turning away from him, not wanting him to see me cry.
"Norah what is it then, why are you crying?" he agonises over me.
"I don't know... I ... " I say and Gabriel starts getting off the bed, but I stick a hand out to stop him, "I love you Gabriel. I love you so much, that it feels like I could burst just from loving you so much. It hurts...loving you and wanting you hurts"
"What?" he says confused and astounded by my comments. He usually has to beg me to express myself, so giving my feelings away freely to him is an unexpected surprise.
"I'm scared all the damn time. Every moment I spend with you I'm worried it will being our last. I don't know how to do this, any of this. Relationships, I've never been in one before. And it's not like my parents were the best role models"
"We're nothing like your parents. You have to stop, you can't keep comparing me to everyone else in your life. Just because they disappointed or gave up on you doesn't mean that I will. I love you, more than anything or anyone. And I will continue to love you"
"That's just it, you wont. One day you'll realise that you're no longer in love with me and you'll leave. My heart couldn't take that. Still being in love with you but knowing you don't love me anymore"
"I will, I will fall out of love with you" he says, telling me my fears are real, "But then I'll get to fall back in love with you a million times over, again and again"
"That's not how it works"
"Relationships are hard work Norah, god knows this one has been harder than most, but we've come too far to give up now. You're just scared to love me"
"I'm not scared ... I'm terrified"
"I'm terrified to Norah. You're worried that I'm the one who's going to leave, but all you've ever do is leave me. You keep doing this, you keep telling yourself that I'm going to go which ends up making you push yourself further way. Don't you think I wake up every day panicked that you're going to leave me again, and it will be for good this time" he tells me. I... I never thought of that. All the times I hid from my feelings from him or I pushed him away, I was actually leaving him over and over.
"I'm sorry. I don't know how to do this" I tell him.
"Neither do I. Stop worrying so much about the future and just enjoy the here and now, with me"
"I'm trying"
"I know you are. But I don't want to keep going backwards, and getting sucked back into how we were before. I want to move forward with you because there's no one else for me .We get one great love, one love of your life. You are mine and I am yours"
"I'm sorry" I squeeze my arms around him tighter.
"I'll never leave, I promise. Wherever you go, I go too" he whispers into my hair as he kisses and holds me. And he holds me for what feels like hours, and I know here in his arms that he is my home, my future, and my whole world. I found a best friend, a boyfriend and a true love. I never thought I'd ever get this lucky, to have them all be him.