Until Her...

Chapter Seventy-One

I see the pain I've just inflicted on him and it breaks my heart to see him that hurt. But I'm too angry and upset to care, because what he's doing to me right now is a thousand times worse. How can he tell me that he loves me, but that he doesn't want to be with me? I grab my bag and shoes that are next to his bedroom door and I leave, still wearing my pyjamas. How the hell did we get here? I was making brownies, that was it. I couldn't sleep so I watched tv and made brownies. I don't understand what just happened, we were fine, everything was fine between us. At least I thought it was. Somehow I've destroyed the most important thing in my life. All I want to do is run back up there, back to that apartment and tell him everything. Tell him that I'm sorry, that I love him. I love him more than I've ever loved anyone in my life. That I've never loved anyone but him, and I never will again. I hoped he'd run after me and tell me he made's a mistake, but he doesn't. And it takes losing him to realise that he's it for me, he's endgame. If I wasn't before then I'm certainly broken now. Cracked into a million different pieces that nobody will ever be able to fix. How can he be my biggest hero in one moment, and a complete villain in another? I go back to the dorms, completely ignoring Elijah as I run past him crying into my room. Elijah's pleas for me to open my door, but I lock it and crawl into bed. Willing the world to go away, for this pain to go away.

I've spent the last few days in bed, ignoring everything and everyone. I told Enzo I had food poisoning so I didn't have to go into work and face Gabriel. I can't stand the idea of working on his exhibition or even being in the Gallery that has so many memories. I need to figure out some way to get out of it and to start fresh. Make a new life here, away from everything that reminds me of him. To make it like he never existed, like I didn't give him every piece of me that I could. I don't know what's wrong with me. But something inside me snapped and I can't seem to find my way back.
"Norah open the door now" Eli shouts and bangs, "I've given you time to come out but it's been a week now. If you don't open this door I will knock it down"
I shuffle to the door, wrapping my duvet over me. When I open the door he looks at me like I'm some wild animal. I guess I am, as I haven't showered or properly eaten in days.
"Oh my god Norah, Are you okay?"
"No"
"It will be okay, I promise. You'll get through this" I know Elijah spoke to him as I overheard him on the phone outside my bedroom. He stopped coming around so much after that call. To give me space or time, I don't know.
"Are you watching Bridget Jones" his face full of shock and concern. He know's it's bad if I'm watching these movies. But I couldn't help it. I watched one and then I went on a binge fest. Now that I've experienced similar things, I now understand them a bit more. I still don't massively agree with the unrealistic expectations it gives but they've have made me feel slightly better.
"I knew it was bad, but I didn't think it was this bad" And I explain my version of events to him.
"He said that I'd never be able to tell him I love him. That it kills him every time he says it to me but I don't say it back. I never asked him say it in the first place. I never wanted him too. So how come I'm the bad guy here?" I explain.
"I'm sorry Norah" he doesn't know what to say to me. He wants to be sympathetic and supportive, but I know he's on Gabriel's side. I just don't understand how we got here. We've been together for months going back and forth like this, but we always come back around. He should trust that I cared deeply for him, that I'm trying my best. I gave him everything I had, I gave him my virginity for fuck sake. If that isn't showing him that I love him then I don't know what will. Not even telling him I love him would be enough for him, he needs every single shred of me. He needs to know all about my life before him, with him and after him. I don't share some of those parts with myself. I keep them locked away where they'll never be found. I can feel my heart so prominently in my chest, beating at such a slow and dull ache that I think it will stop at any moment.
"When will this stop?" I sob.
"What?"
"All this pain. I can't take it anymore. It hurts too much. I just want it to stop. I want it all to stop" Elijah strokes my back and holds me as I cry.
"It will be okay. Everything will be okay I promise" If I didn't have him I don't know what I'd do. I feel so alone. I've never felt more alone in my life than I do right now.

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