Until Her...

Chapter Thirty-Three

Gabriel looks so soft, gentle and unbroken with the illuminating light cascading through my bedroom. I look at him wondering what it must feel like not to have experienced true heartbreak. When he sleeps does he dream about death and loss, or does he dream of something else. Cause that's all I see whenever I close my eyes, that and Gabriel. I wonder if he'll ever get to know how much he makes made my life better. Of course not, cause I'll never have the guts to tell him. I'm envious of Gabriel. How he can be so undamaged and like this perfect life, while I've had heartbreak after heartbreak. Yet he smiles at me, just like he is now in his sleep, and my envy leaves and only longing remains. I pray that we can stay in this moment forever as I run my hand through his hair while he holds me close to him.
"Stop watching me you weirdo" Gabriel's groggy voice startles me, but he keeps his eyes closed while giving me a sleepy smile. I kiss him lightly on the lips and I go back to stroking his hair. How does he always look this good in the morning, it's not fair. He pulls me in tighter to him and finds my free hand, lacing my fingers between his. "I'm sorry I've been such a dick to you. There's no excuse for it so I'm not going to give you one. I want to be the person you need, the one you deserve" he whispers but then sighs in frustration, "I'm never usually like this. Since I've met you I've become this jealous neurotic person, and I hate it"
"I'm not this either. I never say how I feel or open up about things. But I want to, and I'm trying to with you. I know it doesn't seem like it but I really am trying" Something compels me to tell him, "I...I haven't cried in a really long time"
"Really?" he asks with his voice full of doubt.
"Last night was the first time in six years" I look him in the eye so he knows I'm telling the truth, "I was thirteen the last time"
"What made you..." he asks apprehensively.
"You" I divulge.
"I'm sorry Norah" he pulls away from me in shame, staring at the blank wall of my ceiling. I didn't mean for it to come out that way.
"You're the reason I cried, yes, but not in the way that you think. You've changed me in some small way. And I'm not sure if it's for better or worse, or if it'll even last. But I feel lighter somehow, lighter than I have in a really long time"
"Lighter?"
"I don't know how to explain it. It's more of a feeling, but whenever I'm with you I don't feel so heavy. That my life isn't as dark" feeling mortified by my words, "It sounds stupid now I've said it out loud"
"No, it doesn't" he tells me. I don't think he can ever fully know just how much he does for me. By being around him I'm better, and that's why I'm scared because how long will this last.
"That's why we fight so much. We both struggle to say how we feel" I inform him.
"How do you feel?" he finally ask me the question I've been dreading to answer. I've never felt so vulnerable in my life, but I know I need to be honest with him or I'm going to lose him, and I don't think I can bare that.
"That I want to be with you" But I might be unable to give him all of that. "I've never felt this way about anyone before, and it scares me"
"I want all of you Norah, not just the parts you're willing to give me. I've never felt this way about anyone before either, and I want to see where this can go" he says, waiting for an answer. But I can't find the words, so I show it in my kiss and the need for his body against mine.