Until Her...

Chapter Forty-Two

My friends are coming around a lot more these days. Gabriel's constantly showing up outside my classes or the dorms, and he's texting me non stop. I know I should be happy about that, but it's a little suffocating at times. He's guilty for not being there when I needed him, but I think there's more to it than that. He feels bad about everything that's happened to us lately, but none of that even matters anymore. My friends probably think I'm some psycho with anger issues waiting to snap again. I don't know how to control it when I do. Haven't you ever bottled so much stuff up, deep inside you. And it gets to the point where you crack from all the secrets and fears, and they pour out in small increments. In my case it builds and builds until it finally explodes, leaving one huge destruction in its wake. The last time I snapped that bad, was Dylan's funeral. People trying to hug and kiss me. Telling me everything will be okay and that my life will go back to normal and I'll be happy again. I wanted to scream at every one of them. Angry with the fact that they were pretending to know what it was like to go through what I went through. To have everyone stare and talk about you behind your back. They thought I couldn't hear what they were saying, but how could I not. It's not like they were being quiet or low-key about it.
"It's her fault Dylan's dead" my aunt Ellen says, "He'd would still be here if it wasn't for her"
"My boy, my sweet boy! Why? Why not her instead?" my mum wailed into the room of our house after the funeral.
"I still don't understand what happened" my dad says.
"Has she told you yet?" Ellen asks.
"No, she hasn't spoken since" dad tells her.
"Have you tried getting Meg to talk to her?" Ellen suggests.
"Yes, Norah just won't speak. She get's my boy killed and won't tell me why" my mum yells.
It went on all day from people I thought loved me, and from those who don't know me. They were right, it was my fault. I'm the reason that Dylan's dead. And I'm going to have to live with that for every second, minute, and hour of my life. And I do. Even when I sleep, I remember everything from that day. Every last detail.

...

"NORAH" I hear faintly in my ear, lifting me from my sleep.
"Norah wake up" I'm being shoved awake. I open my eyes and see Gabriel leaning over me, his hand caressing my face.
"Gabriel? What's going on?" I ask, confused and dazed, still half asleep.
"You were screaming" he tells me, looking at me with terror. Oh no, there back. I haven't had one of these nightmares in years. I thought I was past it but the stress of everything is getting to me, causing them to come back. I grab his arms and wrap them around me, to give me comfort.
"Are you okay?" he whispers in my ear.
"Do you want to talk about it" he asks me. I shake my head not saying anything, as it's too painful.
"Okay" I need a distraction so I turn around pushing him down onto the mattress as I straddle him. Pulling my t-shirt over my head, leaving me in one of the new sets of underwear I bought with the girls a couple weeks ago.
"When did you get those" he asks enamoured by me. Before Gabriel I was insecure of my curves, my body. Whenever he looks at me the way he is now, I feel the sexier than ever.
"A couple weeks ago"
"How have I not seen these yet"
"Because we haven't been together in a few weeks" I tell him. Last time we were intimate was before our massive bust up. It's only been a couple days but it feels like forever since we've done this. I kiss him, needing to dull the pain I'm feeling. I trace my lips against his neck, pulling the skin between my teeth. He groans into me, and his hands run through my hair. I rock my hips back and forth, rubbing against him. I can feel his pleasure grow more and more from my rocking on top of him, but he breaks our passionate contact.
"I'm gonna take a shower" he says pulling me off of him.
"What?" I ask.
"A shower" he says leaving me in bed as he enters the bathroom. A shower, now? While we're in the middle of this? I hear the shower start to run, and I decide to confront him.
"What was that about?" my voice soft as I don't want to start arguing. He sits on the edge of the bathtub, not looking at me.
"What was what?" I ask him confused my his sudden distance, "We were about to... and then... I'm not an idiot. What's going on?"
"Nothing, I'm just tired" he's avoiding my gaze.
"You're tired? There's more to it then that"
"No, there isn't. In case you forgot, you're the one who woke me up in the middle of the night" I know I woke him up, but it's not like I meant too. I can't control my nightmares, believe me if I could I would.
"You're right. I'll leave you alone then" I storm out of the room and crawl back into bed. There's more going on but he clearly doesn't want to talk to me about it. After a few minutes I hear the bathroom door creak open, allowing a little light in the bedroom. I keep close my eyes, pretending to be asleep. Gabriel climbs into the bed, and brings his hand on top of mine.
"I'm sorry" he whispers in my ear, "I was rude... that's not fair on you" I contemplate wether or not I should continue to pretend to sleep, but I want to know.
"Are you going to tell me why freak out on me?" Because that's usually my thing, and it's strange on him.
"I'm just tired" he sighs and lies on his back, "I haven't been sleeping that well"
"How come" I ask him but he's quiet.
"Because of me isn't it?" I ask him and he nods, "I'm sorry. We haven't really talked lately have we"
I've been completely selfish, not once have I made sure he was okay or talked to him about us, "That's my fault, I've been so selfish lately. I'm sorry"
"It's not that... the other week" he says. I knew he was concerned for me, but I didn't think it was this bad.
"You don't have to worry about me, I'm okay. I'm sorry you had to see me like that, but I promise you I'm fine"
"I should have been there for you" he runs his hands through his hair again.
"I'm not your responsibility Gabriel. You can't protect me all the time"
"But I want too" I can see how hurt and upset he feels.
"You can't. But I can promise you that that will never happen again. I was overwhelming with my parent's separating and everything with Meg. And fighting with you and lying to everyone, and I didn't realise how much it was all getting to me until the other day"
"It's like you were a completely different person" he says with an intensity that makes me look away from him.
"I don't know what to say"
"I need you to tell me that that's never going to happen again. That you won't do that again" he demands of me. I can't do that, it would be a lie. I can't promise not to lose my temper again. That I won't break stuff and cause a massive mess. Because I probably will. But I know that's not what he's on about. He's on about me spacing out; not talking, not moving, and practically not breathing. I could see how worried he was when I was sitting there catatonic. I just needed a moment, to think things over and get my anger under control. But I can see it in his eyes now, just how much he needs me to tell him that. So I will, for his sake.
"I promise it will never happen again. I just lost it for a second and it just all overwhelmed me"
"You need to talk to me when that happens, you can't just shut down" he tells me, as if it's that simple.
"That's what I do, I don't know how to be any other way"
"You don't have to keep being alone. Just let me help you. I want to help you" he tells me. And I know he's right. That I have people in my life that I can lean on and go to for help. But that's not me, it isn't who I am. He's so desperate to fix me, but there's no point. It's a losing battle. But we can have fun and be with each other.
"You know what would help me"
"What"
"If you kissed me" I give him a smile not wanting to talk about this anymore, all I want is comfort. And because it's Gabriel, I know he'll give it to me. He pulls me on top of him, after I pull his boxers off. I wrap my hand around his length, moving slow and tight. He hisses at me, enjoying my touch. His hands reach around the back of my bra and he yanks it off. His kisses become sloppier as he cups my breast, massaging them. The excitement and energy grows, making my movements against him faster. It feels more intimate with him this time. The temperature changes as he breaths against my neck creating a sensation I can't get enough of. His hands move down to my panties and he goes deep inside of me, moving at the same pace I do. He knows how much I love it when we do this together, both touching each other. I rock my hips hard against him.
"You're so sexy..." he moans into me, "If you keep looking at me that way, I'm not responsible for what happens next" I gasp for air. His movements have gotten faster, and I can tell that I'm bringing him closer. His eyes glued to my face.
"Fuck" I moan loudly as his fingers reach my spot. His legs start to tense, and I can tell that touching him while he watches me come undone turns him on massively. Just like it does to me.
"I could watch you all day. Looking at you makes me hard" he whispers into my ear, biting down on the skin of my neck. And that's it, any control I had before is gone. And I feel my warm liquid release against him, and that's all it takes for him to reach his climax. I collapse on the bed, and I grab his boxers to wipe him off of me.
"Here" I say passing it to him.
"I'm good" And he brings each finger up to his mouth, sucking on them slowly so he tastes me.
"It's been a while since we did anything like that" I say to him, panting deeply trying to slow my breathing.
"You like that don't you? Us touching each other"
"Yes" I say, biting my bottom lip to keep my bashfulness at bay.
"I forget sometimes how little experience you have" he says, running his fingers across the sweat that's formed on my breasts.
"You do?" I say surprised as he's the one I've experience all of my firsts with.
"Yeah...that dirty mouth of yours... you'd think you've done this all before"
"I...I" I start to say, but stop from embarrassment. It's different when we're in the moment, I don't realise I say them until they've come out of my mouth.
"Do you...do you like it when I talk like that" the trepidation clear in my voice.
"Fuck yes. Oh, the things that come out of these lips" he moans running his fingers across them.
"Your innocence and naughtiness at the same time. It drives me crazy" And he plants quick kisses down my chest and stomach, as I run my hands through his hair.
"That's you, you know" I tell him.
"What is" his kisses getting slower and softer.
"My naughtiness" I cringe saying that. "You drive me crazy. I can't control myself when I'm with you"
"Really" his eyes light up.
"Sometimes I look at you and imagine all the things you could do to me" I confess, blushing.
"Like what?" he asks but I'm too shy to say it, so he climbs on top of me pinning me down begging me to tell him.
"How your fingers would tease my nipples. How you'd kiss me and bite my lips between your teeth. In the shower"
"You liked that didn't you" he tells me, his hands moving to my breasts and I nod.
"I imagine what it would be like" We've not talked about sex, not for a long time.
"What" he asks looking up at me.
"Having you inside me"
"I've been inside of you plenty of times" he says with a huge grin.
"Not like that" I look in his eyes to try and see what he's thinking, but he stares at me as the smile leaves his face.
"Have you thought about it? About us doing that?" he grumbles.
"Yeah" It's all I think about these days, "Have you?"
"Not really" he says, and my heart drops. He's never thought about having sex with me?
I grab the duvet and cover myself feeling extremely uncomfortable and upset, "Right"
"Norah it's not like that...I know you're not ready. I want to believe me I want to, but..." he bringing me down in the bed to him but stops talking.
I hate the sudden distance between us,"Tell me what you're thinking"
"We need to tell Avery about us" he confesses.
"I know we do. I'm going to tell her soon"
"You've said that before"
"I was going to tell her after my dad came, but things have been so weird lately. Everyone keeps treating me like some injured puppy who needs taking care of, but I can take care of myself"
"If we leave it any longer things will be much worse... for the both of us. If you can't tell her that's fine, I'll do it" he offers.
"No, I'll tell her" I say. And I can tell by the look on his face that he doesn't fully believe me. "I promise you I would, so I will tell her"
I grab his face and make him look at me. I give him a gentle kiss and lie against his chest. And I sleep better than I have in weeks, months even. Being near him makes everything better, and easier. Until the madness of our relationships hits us again.