Torn In Two | Thorin Oakenshield |

9. Weeks

A/N: Cosplay of, Aela the Huntress, by Chloe Dykstra

Just something short to focus on Arina's emotions and her change. It may seem rushed from the last chapter but it is in a span of three weeks! A lot could happen in that amount of time.

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It's been weeks. Three long weeks and that's enough time for anyone to realize how much their life has changed. Especially when it comes to sudden emotions, they didn't think they could possess.

Why? That's something I would ask myself everyday because I didn't understand why I saved them.

For the first week, all I did was try to justify my actions and foolishly attempt to convince myself that Azog was still my Master. That that old me still had an undying loyalty towards him.

But when those next seven days passed... Azog truly showed me how he could end my life in an instant. And he wouldn't even care.

Back then, spending time with the Pale Orc was a privilege but now it's torture.

Everyday there would be a new set of bruises or cuts to go with the old ones and the purple marks on my neck have still yet to fade. It's come to the point where I'm almost used to the pain and his intention are clear now.

This is what he does to all his weaker, non submissive followers and I'm at the top of the list.

Until my loyalty towards him has complexly returned, I'll continue to receive beatings that nearly leave me dead. I'd much rather be.

It's not like the times to myself are pleasant either and the nightmares have been getting worse. More gruesome. The last time I slept was three days ago and... I had the full memory of my mother being slaughtered right in front of me.

Unfortunately I woke up before I could see the attackers face but I've been too scared to continue the memory. It only makes me realize how alone I truly am and sometimes I yearn for that cloak to be draped over me once again.

I hate how I actually miss them. Miss him.

That stupid, sapphire eyed, strong, handsome dwarf that has unknowingly ignited something deep within my core. For all three weeks I've been feeling my heart genuinely beat and I so desperately want it to stop. He's constantly plaguing my thoughts and I'm always so worried about him.

I don't like the sensation of my heart tightening whenever he's in danger. And I'm on the side that's the cause of it! He's not supposed to affect me and I'm not supposed to care about any of them. Yet I'm still bothered by the way he looked at me when I saw them days ago.

It was foolish of me to even be on that hill in the first place, simply watching them from afar. I admit, I was concerned when it became obvious that they were set on venturing through Mirkwood. And I at least wanted to see them one more time, instead of waiting to see if they would make it out.

I'm just glad Beorn actually listened to me and didn't harm the dwarves. I'm honestly surprised we're still on good terms but I am the one that saved his family from Azog's games. Though he did scold me the night before, right after preaching about how disgusting I smell.

I didn't think they'd see me but Beorn was actually the one that gave me away. He wasn't even trying to hide the fact that he was pointing at me and I couldn't bring myself to flee.

Everything inside of me was screaming to go over there and beg for forgiveness but then Bolg had returned. He's even worse compared to his father and I heard the order Azog gave nights prior.

"If she shows even a hint of disloyalty... kill her."

I should've expected such a thing to happen but it was still shocking to hear. I've been more on edge since then and it's now been three weeks. There's no question that I don't want to be here anymore. Serving under someone that enjoys nearly killing their followers and expecting them to bow down right after.

I've served my life debt long enough and he's almost killed me four times now, so that's more than fair. I only wish that it didn't take Azog's torture lessons for me to finally realize it all. How stupid and blind I've been.

I was so desperate to belong somewhere that I was willing to dismiss right from wrong.

But thanks to me being back with the orcs, I'm even more torn between the two sides. Do I continue to pretend to follow Azog and risk getting killed? Or do I try to help the dwarves and hope they forgive me?

I'm defiantly not ready to infiltrate King Thranduil's fortress. I just know something bad is going to happen if the dwarves get involved. Pretending to fight them is something I can't manage but Bolg won't let me stay behind.

He's insisting we attack in the morning which is hours away and my thoughts are swimming. There's no way I can save them without risking myself and what's worse, is that Bolg brought his Morgul bow.

It's basically a slow death if you get shot by one of the arrows and Bolg never misses his target. Never.

The real question is... am I willing to take that kind of pain for them? For Thorin? Yeah I've been having a change of heart but that's dying for someone. I don't want to die when I haven't gained their forgiveness yet.

This is my chance to be a good person for once and there's a possibility I won't live long enough to show it.

You've had over a hundred years Arina to be good. Many chances but you've thrown it all away.

I bite my lip as tears form for the third time and my shoulders start to shake underneath the moonlight. What am I supposed to do? Bolg is going to kill me the moment he gets the chance and there's no way to avoid it. My heart stings at the thought of something bad happening to the Company.

WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?!

Everything's okay darling.

Mothers voice echoes throughout my mind and it only ever appears when something bad is going to happen.

He's going to be okay.

I shake my head, not caring about smearing the green paste and I hold my form tightly.

I'm not ready to die.