Torn In Two | Thorin Oakenshield |

15. Confess

A/N: Sorry another really short chapter but I'll post a longer one soon!

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I've been silent ever since Kili woke up from the nightmare, his face full of worry and I wonder if I was talking in my sleep again. Wouldn't be the first time someone's heard me but now I have all pieces back together.

Azog. The very thought of his name brings down a cold shiver, one that's worse than before, and I hug my frame tighter.

If it wasn't for the surrounding water or the fact that I'm stuck in a boat again, I probably would've done something stupid. Like track down said orc and attempt to rip his bloody head off. Unfortunately that would only get me killed in the end but my mind feels so lost.

The life that I once lived has been built upon so much blood and there's no way someone could hate me, more than I hate myself right now.

A hot tear rolls down my cheek as I cower near the front of the boat, curled up in a ball with my head cast to the side. For the past hour I've been staring blankly at the moldy wood, not bothering to wipe away the trace of tears or hide my state of agony.

I'm dreading Thorin and I's reunion even more now. It's not something I really pictured fully and despite Kili's previous words, I'm still sure he's going to see me differently.

No amount of words can express the amount of regret I feel for following that monster all my life. Trusting his every word and going off on missions because I believed I owed him a life debt.

I don't even know who I am anymore.

With that final thought, I finally wipe away the residue of sadness and sniffle, partially due to the cold.

"Arina?" Kili speaks and I can hear the hesitation dripping off his tongue.

The boat creaks a bit, signaling he's moving closer and I shift my body more towards the edge in response.

"Lass?" Bofur tries a second later, only earning the same response and I then notice that the boat has stopped.

Fear immediately overpowers my senses and the sound of waves, mixed with inhuman noises creates a bigger panic. The beating of my heart abruptly increases and I weakly place my arms over my head in attempts to block it out.

Whispers amongst the dwarves arise at my actions and I can faintly hear them questioning my new condition.

"Water." My voice comes out weak, breaking in the middle and I point towards my fear to clarify.

"Are you afraid of the water?" Kili is the first to piece things together and I nod, hearing them shuffle around right after.

The movements of before gradually return but tension is still full in my body.

"We're almost there, lass." Bofur reassures with a few huffs, probably from rowing and I still fail to reply.

"Arina." Fili pipes up this time, his tone more firm and I gulp nervously at where this conversation could go. "You have to talk to us. The last time we saw you, a pack of orcs were close by and we learned that you were taking orders from Azog." Kili mutters something in my defense but is quickly shot down by his brother, who sounds enraged.

"Uncle says we should still trust you but how can we? You were with the enemy and were our enemy for some time. How do we know you're not now?" The blond haired dwarf nearly yells and it bounces off the water like a pebble would.

His question forces my state of emptiness to break and I close my eyes once the burning sting becomes more evident. A lump forms from within my throat and I carefully untangle my limbs, somewhat regretting that position for everything is incredibly sore.

"I do not know why Thorin said to trust me." I mutter weakly while sitting up properly with my legs stretched out, head still hung low. "And I don't know why he thinks I'm this One person."

Taking in a deep breath through the nose, I lift my head up to stare at them, assuming my eyes are red and that I look completely disheveled based on their shocked reactions.

"But I'm not you're enemy." I state truthfully, licking my cracked lips and leaning back for support. "Yes. I admit at the start I was deceiving you but that all changed."

"How?" Fili snaps, eyes narrow and I don't have the energy to care much for his opinions.

"Why does it matter?"

"You were raised by Orcs so that means you're incapable of feeling anything but hatred and greed." Fili hisses, unknowingly stabbing my heart and I shake my head slowly.

"That's not true." I whisper loud enough for them to hear but the dwarf is still unsatisfied.

"Are you still taking orders from Azog?" He questions immediately and I take in needed breaths.

"No.

"Then why did you come?"

"I-"

"What changed?"

"I don't know." The lie burns my tongue greatly and all these rapid questions have unnoticeably peaked my rage.

"Then why should we believe you?" Fili continues mercilessly with no rest and I proceed to give him weak answers. "Then you must be twisted to follow under Azog all your life."

"No I-"

"Why should we believe anything you say?"

"BECAUSE IT WASN'T MY FAULT." I scream while shutting my eyelids tightly, my voice still traveling through the waves. "Azog killed my only family when I was a child and then raised what was left. He filled in those pieces with false reasoning and I thought that all this time he saved me."

I cry out and comb my fingers through my matted hair, the overwhelming sensations causing me to shake.

"I followed his orders because I knew nothing else. I had no other purpose and all I had ever known was how to be alone. Broken. Lost."

Bringing my hands up to my chest, I clutch them tightly and fail to hold back the tears. Quick breaths leave my agape mouth and the excess oxygen stirs up dizziness.

"Then I met you all and for the first time in my life I felt safe. Needed. Even wanted and I was denying it all because I didn't think it was true. But then Thorin kept getting closer and it messed with my head because I didn't understand why he awakened certain emotions."

My hands move up to hold onto my head, the hammering inside similar to that of my heart and the agony worsens the aches.

"Then when Azog came back I couldn't bring myself to follow him anymore. It cost me deadly punishments but I never was the same since I left. I missed all of you and it was only until last night that I realized how wrong my life is."

At the end my voice cracks, proving how broken I feel and I bring my knees up to cover myself, ashamed. "I could never betray Thorin again. It hurts too much." Rocking my body back and worth, deep sobs escape my throat and this is the first time I'm okay with feeling vulnerable.

It just means my heart is mending.