Getting To You (Azucarera Series #2)

Kabanata 28

Kabanata 28

Sorry

Parang kulang pa ang sinabi ko kahit na sinubukan ko namang paiksiin ang lahat ng nararamdaman. Now, I don't think I would ever have enough words to describe how I feel.

Gusto kong sabihin na nagdusa ako ng ilang taon. Na walang panahong nagdaan na hindi ko naisip ang nangyari... walang oras na hindi ako na guilty. Baon ko iyon sa bawat pinagdaanan ko. I went to college but I never kept a friend because I was scarred. I never entertained any boys because I feel like somehow I'd ruin their lives the way I ruined his. I succeeded wholeheartedly, lived each day happily, but I will never forget how I can never be free from the pain and guilt of the past... whenever I'm alone.

Nandito na siya sa harapan ko at kabibitiw ko lang ng mga katagang kailangan kong sabihin. I don't need to describe what I've been through. I wasn't the victim. I shouldn't be pitied, and I don't need it. Hindi niya na rin kailangang malaman iyon dahil nasisiguro kong mas matindi pa sa mga bumabagabag na sakit ang pinagdaanan niya.

"I know... it's been so long. I can see that you've moved on and risen up from... everything that I did. Gusto ko lang masabi sa'yo, at sa pamilya mo, na pinagsisihan ko ang lahat ng iyon. There will be no enough sorrys to pay for what I did but still... I'm saying sorry. I'm so sorry..."

Mabilis kong inisip ang iba pang sasabihin habang nakatingin sa kawalan. Then I realized I should look at him and apologize sincerely.

"Alam kong huli na para humingi ng tawad. Please know that you... don't really have to forgive me for what I did. I just... really want to apologize," my voice broke.

Natapos ko iyon bago nangilid ang mga luha sa aking mga mata. Suminghap ako at pilit na pinatatag ang sarili. No more crying, Sancha. You shouldn't be pitied. It was your fault. You did that to him.

"Hindi mo 'yon kasalanan, Sancha," marahan niyang sinabi.

My wide eyes darted at him. Iniisip kong pag-uusapan namin ito para makita niyang pinagsisihan ko ito. O para tapusin na ang ano mang naiwan sa nakaraan. Maybe this is his way to end it... My heart hurt more at the thought that he had always been kind to me. Kahit ngayon, pagkatapos ng lahat ng nangyari. Naisip ko tuloy kung masyado ba akong nagpapaawa sa lahat ng sinabi ko kaya ganito na lang ang nasabi niya.

Ngumiti ako para makita niya na ayos lang kung sabihin niya ang totoo. Hindi na ako bata. Marami nang nagdaang sakit. Masasaktan ako pero alam kong kakayanin ko rin.

"I initiated it. I pushed you to say things. Masakit mang isipin pero... kasalanan ko rin na naroon si Steffi. It was our plan but... I just didn't know that she has other plans for that." Umiling ako, halos magmakaawa na paniwalaan niya. "Hindi ko alam na manonood siya o mag vi-video."

"I know that, Sancha. At hindi mo kasalanan ang kahit ano roon."

"Kung hindi ko p-in-lano 'yon, hindi mangyayari 'yon."

"You were the victim. Hindi na dapat kinuhanan ni Steffi ng video ang pribado nating pag-uusap. At lalong hindi ko na dapat sinabi ang mga iyon dahil bata ka pa, at ako ang mas nakatatanda. I should've known better."

"I was seventeen then but I know what I was doing!" I said with a little bit conviction.

"You were manipulated-"

"She encouraged me but I was the one who did it in the end."

"She recorded our private moment. I let my feelings rule me. We were at fault, not you."

Tears already stung my eyes but his words shocked me. I didn't expect him to think that way and I'm not sure if I wanted him to be this... considerate. Pakiramdam ko... lalo lang akong na-guilty.