Continued Silence

Seven : dried autumn leaves

20th April, 2010

She carried magic secrets in her eyes that I wanted to find out, but somehow, she always kept a distance between us. A small one-step distance. I felt so far away because of that distance.

We were the kind of souls that were near, but not near enough to make miracles happen.

Two months had passed since that incident and I always tried to ask her about that but everytime I did, she had refused to tell. Maybe she thought I wasn't worth telling or maybe she didn't want to share.
Anyways, I was dying to know.

Isn't it funny how the things you want the most are the things farthest and unreachable?

After our swing-set conversation, she always waved at me in the school. I would smile and wave back but that was all.
Then she would go back to her life and I'll enter my own small world.
As if, we were strangers with some memories.

Yeah sometimes, she also asked about how I was doing but mostly she waved from a distance. An utterly unreachable distance.

It was so strange and confusing.
Ah, summertime saddness.

Well, there were always few things that made me feel sad. Once when I was little, Chris and I went to some mountain nearby to play. On that mountain there was a peaceful windmill. I would sometimes just sit and stare at it and become sad, about how it was just so still and standing there alone. I didn't know why, but I always found myself in that windmill. The loneliness we shared, it was strange.
Few months passed by, and one day that windmill wasn't there anymore.
And I felt like I had lost a part of me somewhere. That childhood part of me could never be found again.

I kept thinking all that when Mum came in my room and opened the window. The sunlight bursted in my room and reached my face. I wanted to sleep a little more but the risen sun--it's splendiferous light-- didn't let me. So I changed my boxers and wore black jeans with white t-shirt that I had since forever. I combed my hair that were looking like a bird's nest and realized that tomorrow would be a great day.

My Birthday.

Birthdays were best moments, tiny source of happiness in great, big world. You realize that on same day, back long ago, you were born, not to be worthless but to be someone extraordinarily ordinary.

I ran downstairs and told mum even though I knew she wouldn't forget.
My dad said to mum,
"So you better make all the arrangements Megan for tomorrow's party."
She nodded and said,
"My son's growing up. I still remember how you used to eat cheesecakes all day and cry all night. How you always never got tired of coloring or reading your comics. You have grown so quick, Daniel."
I flashed a crooked smile and replied,
"Mum, I'll never get old for you, I'll always remain your little Daniel for sure."

After breakfast I raced to my room to call all my friends for tomorrow.
The only invitation left was for Grace. I didn't had her phone number as I lacked the courage to ask so I decided to go to her home myself.

I went outside in the late Sunday morning with sun blazing in the azure sky where birds were flying recklessly. Those birds again made me think of my dream of being free like a bird.
I walked around the lawn for a while to muster up my courage. I saw some white tulips growing in our lawn so I plucked bunch of them and finally I was at her doorstep.

My legs were literally shaking as if I was standing on the verge of either drowning or flying.

I wondered if she would love the flowers. My favourite was white rose. I had always admired them since childhood. When I was a kid, I used to watch a film about a German lady who always wore white roses in her long messy hair. Since then, I had never loved any other flower than white rose.
That strange feeling just for a flower made me realise that your childhood love always remains with you.