Continued Silence

Thirty-five : stupid, beautiful boy

Grace Anderson :

I was just lying on my unmade bed, in a small room, where heat was still blasting. The people of this village had been so happy, whenever they knew that I was their hope.
Their only little hope.

I had been completed, and I knew mum would be proud of me.
Yet, there was a big hole in my heart. Maybe in the centre of my heart.
And only that stupid, beautiful boy could fix it. Even if the whole world would gather and sew up my heart, that hole would always be there, without him.
I missed his smile. The way his eyes were so small that they would disappear into his cheeks. The way he called my name. The way he would always know my favourite songs, even before I would listen them. He would always know what I would like, as if, he was my another half.
I smoked my cigarette and kept calling him, and everytime, I had to listen to that stupid song. I would wait and wait, for his voice to appear, but that song wouldn't just shut up.

Once, back in Florida, when we were little, we both went to that lake and sat on that bench. It was midnight, and we had sneaked out from our homes. It was fun, actually, and like always, was my idea. We didn't do much that night, but just sat there and looked at the stars, while holding eachother. Sometimes he would kiss me hard and I would pull him closer. I would pull him so close that for a moment I would think he would come inside my chest, but he couldn't come any closer. And I couldn't get enough.
So as we were sitting, out of the blue he had said,
"Do you like my eyes?"
I had smiled at the silliness of his question and replied,
"No, I don't like them. I love them. I mean, look at them!"
He sighed and didn't match his eyes with me , and then, he said,
"But they are so small, like those Asian kids."
I remembered I had laughed so hard at that time that I snorted.
I mean, he had magic eyes, no matter small, but like, so cute.
I had pulled his bands out from his forehead, placed my finger on his chin and had said,
"Your eyes are the best part of you, just like your nose, lips, and cheeks, I mean, I love all of you."
He had smiled and said,
"But there aren't any hot boys with small eyes. They are mostly invisible."
I had pulled myself onto his lap and kissed him, as I was losing my mind.
In between the kisses, I had whispered,
"Bruce Lee."
He had smiled and asked,
"What?"
I kissed him back, and had said,
"Hot dude with small eyes. Bruce Lee."

So yes, I was deeply in love with him, forevermore. I loved his eyes, and all of him.
I could never spend a single night without the thought of him.
Yet, there I was, crying endlessly, wanting him to pick up that damn call. No, needing him to pick up the call.
How could he do this to me? I was dying without him. He was the only person in my life who found me, who owned me.

Was he fine? What if something had happened? What if......no, I would never think such stupid things. Yet, my heart wasn't at ease, at all.
Sometimes it would beat so hard, while other times it wouldn't beat at all.
I was terrified, like a tsunami inside me, endless and unstoppable.

Take me back to that first day we had met, when we thought that forever was a reality.
Take me back to that summer, when we had fallen in love.

That beautiful weird boy, who loved me.

xxxxx

That stupid kid, who used to stalk me
Who knew he would be my first and last love?
I wasn't that type of girl, to fall so easily
Oh, how I still hated Romeo and Juliet
Yet, when I saw him for the first time
I knew that there existed something called love
He always made my heart skip a beat
If I told him, how much I loved him
I swear, for a half choking moment, he'd run away
All those other boys seemed so similar
Dumping girls, drinking champagne, running for fame
But he was someone else, I believed
Someone who'd always win in the end
Someone whose laugh, was pure rainbow
Or eyes so brown, that always melted my chest
Opening all the doors for him, letting him in
I wish I had never broken his heart
How I kept finding new ways to betray him
Yet, he didn't run away, he always waited
If there was someone else, he would've long gone
Not all the people could carry pain of love
Like a beautiful scar on your fragile heart
Not everyone would fight till the end
People would always give up so quick
But my God, he had always been there for me
After all that happened, all those broken heartbeats
He didn't give up, he didn't stop loving me
That kind of love, I wish everyone could have
He was like sunshine, always feeling good
Always giving, without wanting any return
Or maybe he was the ocean wave
Always coming back to me
I finished cigarette after cigarette, that night
Trying to put myself back together, yet
I couldn't, as he was my other half
The rest of the world was a big fraud
Only he was my truth, my weird rhyme
Or an abandoned puzzle piece, that completed me
My only star, my only refuge, my only gate
To happiness, magic and above all home
Oh, that stupid kid, who used to stalk me--

xxxxx