Continued Silence

Fifteen : all the butterflies in your stomach

20th March, 2012
Few Hours Later :

I couldn't sleep that night. I knew something irreparably was wrong with her. I again knocked at her door at 3:00 a.m, as I could hear her and her dad shouting over to eachother. No one opened the door. She didn't let me in. Why?
So I just sat on her staircase the whole damn night. I waited and waited for her to appear. How strange love is : it drives people crazy. I waited under the fragile sky full of stars. That night everything seemed broken. My heart was beating way too hard. It felt difficult to even breathe. Supernovas were exploding inside me. Everything went wrong, just when everything was right. First I fought with William and then Grace wasn't letting me in. Even the stars seemed less bright.
Well again, I remembered my dad's saying. Maybe I wasn't looking close enough. They were still bright, but I was so unaware.

After few minutes, clouds started to gather up and it rained heavily but still I didn't move from there. I didn't care. I didn't want to give up so I stood up, faced her window and shouted,
"Grace!!! TELL ME WHAT'S WRONG." I yelled so damn loud. The powerful rain made me wet all over, but I didn't care.

All I knew was how I loved her, and how much. I wanted to tell her that telling me what was wrong though wouldn't make everything fine, yet it would atleast let us suffer together : to share the pain.

She didn't respond so I again shouted, even louder,
"I will not leave you until you let me in and explain." , and with that, I started crying.
Through the verge of tears, I almost whispered to myself,
"Please Grace....please. Don't shut me out....just...." I was really out of words.
She appeared at her window finally and I saw her face. She had been crying too and it made my heart cry even harder.
She let her head out of the opened window and shouted,
"Daniel, go away."
"No!! Tell me what's wrong." I screamed while standing in the rain.
She waved off her hands in the air and shouted back,
"I don't want to hurt you."
I replied, while I was trembling,
"Love is worth the pain. You said that once. Let me in."
I was really losing my mind. Not just it, but the last piece of hope too.

She closed her window and went away leaving me alone in the rain.
I didn't know what else to do so I went back to bed, still wet all over, pretended that it was fine, and slept. The rain had stopped and I was sleeping, while the world inside of me was collapsing.

I kept asking her every freaking day that what was wrong that night. She didn't tell me.

A month passed.

I kept asking her, putting too much hope. She didn't reply everytime.
Of course we talked but there was some tension between us. As if one day, there would be no US. I pushed back the terrifying thought.

Two months passed.

Everytime I asked her,
"What was wrong that night?"
She would always shrug and say,
"Daniel please, not again."
But deep down, I knew something was utterly wrong.
Well on the other hand, she was like a butterfly. She knew that the storm was coming, but still she was so calm.
I kept hoping everyday that might nothing be wrong. But the word hope itself is not a relief. It keeps you breathing just to kill you in the  end.
My heart not only weeped the tears for love, but also for friendship. William and I never talked again. Maybe he didn't want to, because if he did, he wouldn't have pushed me away when I was there for him.
I had seen him in school, talking to some other senior guys, so I thought he had already moved on.

But my heart kept telling me that friendship means giving chances when there are no chances left to be given.
Still knowing I was wrong, I didn't do the right thing.
I was again at the sea, unable to swim yet unable to drown too.
Well, couldn't I just drown?
I wanted it all to be over but still there was something inside me that kept me alive.