Continued Silence

Twenty-nine : homemade blueberry jam and whiskey

The next morning:

The warm pleasant sunrise washed my tired face.
Where was Grace?
I stood up and dusted off the sand from my clothes and some of it even went inside my mouth (I'd never been more messy).
I again looked around and remembered everything that happened last night.
The sound of endless tears, the hurtful words and the loudest undeniable truth.
I didn't know what to do or where to go. All I knew was her name beating inside my heart.

I started running.

I ran and ran on the beach towards the busy road, away from that water in which we swam last night. It seemed like a life ago.
What should I do?
I went on the busy road and a bike almost hit me.
"Watch it man!" He shouted at me while readjusting his balance.
I didn't reply that stranger and crossed the road.
How could she do that to me?
How could I let her?
I should have stopped her until she stopped.
I had given up so quickly.

I ran along the footpath. The morning scent of Amsterdam's breakfast with dripping cheese was spreaded all over the place. The newly flowers and trees had their own magnificent smell. Even the water from the side canals smelled like heaven.
But none of those scents could ever replace the simple scent of tulips and strawberry lipgloss that she carried.
I didn't know what to do. Of course I loved her more than every single thing that was or could be mine, but yet, I didn't have any courage to go to her. How to stop her, but Alas! She would be in hospital already.

Suddenly my phone vibrated and I fished into my pocket. It was William's call. I ignored it as long as I couldn't. So I picked it up, while tired from endless running, and said,
"Hey." I paced along the path meanwhile, in front of a cafe that was overcrowded with tourists.
"Daniel, what's wrong bro? Are you in a hurry?" He asked.
I didn't reply because tears slowly and then all at once came down to my cheeks. Yes, I was in a hurry. But to nowhere.
"Daniel?" He again asked, in a concerned voice.
And I told him everything.
"What? Daniel, go to her, now." He shouted over the phone.
What a pleasant day!
I squeezed my hand and replied,
"How to gain the courage? I'm really regretting over how I acted last night. I know she won't talk to me."
I could hear William's sigh and he asked me,
"Do you love her?"
"Absolutely and completely." I replied.
"Then, there is no reason not to go." He said in a calm voice and then added,
"You both love eachother and it's upto you guys to stick together in the worse. See, she is your rose and you are her butterfly. You need to fly to her even if all you have as a butterfly is three summer days. Make those three summer days count. She needs you."
And then there was no reason not to go.

I hurried into that same hospital where Harry went. I knew she would be there as she had told me yesterday night. The night when the sky cried and stars broke down. It was yesterday night.

I stepped inside and my heart beated fast. What if something bad really happened? That was my only reason I wasn't coming in the first place. I quickly dusted off that stupid thought from my mind.
The way sun believes in the arrival of the moon every night, I believed she wouldn't leave me.
I knew she wouldn't.

I went to the receptionist and asked about her. A Blondie looked at me (rather stared) as if I was entirely fucked up in every way. Well, maybe I was ,because I looked no less than Peter Van Houten from the fault in our stars.
(Actually even worse as my eyes were swollen and I looked like some stupid Asian kid.)
"Third floor, upper-right corner, room number 121." That Blondie said, while not talking eyes off me.

I raced towards the elevator as I had no stamina of taking those damn steep stairs. I could barely walk because I felt week at knees.
And my heart, Oh brother!, it was stuck in my throat.
I stepped inside the elevator and a girl joined me. She was really weird though. She had green curly hair and a big mouth. She was wearing a jean that was torn off from places and her shirt, it was twice as large as mine. I should send her picture to NASA, I thought. She had headphones in her ears and the music was loud enough, but it wasn't annoying at all. The song was pretty good, ( which was a sad song my dad used to play on his stereo from the 80's). Maybe the only thing cherishing about her was her taste in music. Otherwise, she looked like an alien. (Atleast that was what I thought).
I started humming that sad song as I couldn't help it (even at that climax). That girl took off her headphones, looked at me wide-eyed and said,
"Shut up."
I gave her a confusing look and said,
"What?"
She again looked at me as if she would murder me right there, and replied,
"Because I don't like people, specifically stupid human voices. They ruin everything."
"Why?" I asked matter-of-factly.
She rolled her heavy made-up eyes and said,
"Because.....I don't know, but I've pushed people all my life. I never let anyone enter my life and that way no one can leave, see? How simple it is. When you have nothing, you have nothing to lose. So I never let people come in my life. Besides, who the heck are you to ask? Mind your own business."
The elevator opened and she stepped outside, her headphones dangling. She rushed out and went the other way. I stood there and watched her disappear.
Maybe she was missing the point somewhere, I thought. You can't avoid people so you can save yourself from the hurting, because that way, maybe you'll push the right person away too. Besides, the hurting is inevitable. It's just the way we are. Due to her wrong perception, she was like that: alone and frustrated.
I stared at the empty hallway and hoped that she also finds someone someday who would change the way she was, because you need people. You can't live without them.
And at that time, I needed Grace. I really did.

I ran towards the corridor and saw her room, where above were written the most pathetic words:
Intensive care unit.
God, I hope she was fine.

When I was little, I used to be so afraid of the sound of thunder. It always scared the shit out of me.
Whenever it used to be bad weather, I always curled up with my mum in her blanket. One night, I even started crying because of that loud roar, but my mum leaned in and sang me a song that I still knew by heart :

It will be fine, even in the dark of life
And sun will show up, up and bright
So close your eyes and listen to my voice
Nothing will ever break you, my dear
La la la la........

And that song always healed me.
But I never sung it when I grew up because I never came up with any need of it.
Well, at that moment, I did.
As I entered in the waiting room, I started humming those old lyrics and sat on the stool.
"And the sun will show up, up and bright."
I waited and waited the way flowers wait for those fragile butterflies.
An hour passed. I looked up at the ceiling and then counted the tiles, trying to hold myself together.
But it didn't work.
Another hour passed. I called Harry to make sure he was fine.
"Hey Daniel." He said excitedly.
I inhaled and asked,
"Harry, where are you?" Are you fine?" I tried my best not to sound dumb.
"Um yeah, totally. I'm at Disneyland with my school friends. Grace dropped me off this morning. We are having a fantastic time." He said all at once.
She didn't tell him. Why?
I shifted to side of my chair and said,
"Yeah,...that's great."
"Why?" He asked.
"Meh, just asking. You guys have fun." I replied while closing my eyes.
I could perfectly picture Harry smiling as he said,
"Yeah, we met Minnie and Goofy. We took many rides. Now we're heading towards the water slide."
Ah, Disneyland. The happiness of everyone. I also used to love it when I was a kid. Now, I thought it was just an artificial cold theme park. I would rather enjoy more while swimming in the ocean. Thank you.
"Have fun, Harry." I said and went back to counting tiles.

Few more hours passed and finally a doctor, who was maybe fifty, came out. I jumped from my chair and asked,
"How is she?"
"Not fine yet. She hasn't opened her eyes since hours. We have told her before too that she wasn't a strong candidate for this risk, but she didn't listen. She wasn't the right one for the kidney transplant. Anyways, we are trying our best so she can open her eyes. Hope for the best, my boy." He said and went away.
I wanted to ask him what the hell was actually wrong, why she wasn't waking up, but then there was something more important to ask.
I half shouted behind him,
"Can I see her?"
He just shook his head and kept walking.
I again waited and sat on the floor in front of her room and sang,
"So close your eyes and listen to my voice."
Few more minutes passed.
I got up. There was no one inside the room at that time.
So I sneaked in.
I knew that some nurse or doctor would show up anytime but I couldn't wait anymore.

She was right there, eyes closed. She looked much calm and peacefully beautiful. She was still, yet full of life. Just like water. It was like she was just sleeping, making rainbows with her hands in her dream.
I sat beside her on the hospital bed and leaned in to kiss on the top of her head.
I remained there until all of my tears fell on her cheeks, to whisper,
"I'm sorry."
I took out my headphones and adjusted them on her ears. I played 'Asleep' by the Smiths, that we both loved.

I leaned in and hid my face in her small hair and smelled all of her. She still smelled like homemade blueberry jam and whiskey, that you can't get enough of. I cried under her hair, right there, at that moment, with the Smiths song still playing.

She was not my whiskey that I wanted.
She was my water that I needed.