A Journey

An unforgettable summer

So I haven't really posted in a while and tbh this summer has been crazy. I came out to my dad, said goodbye to friends, began the move for college, I made this incredibly awesome friend, May have fallen for said friend and just realized it before they left for college, and honestly it's just all crazy. What I definitely wasn't expected was making friends with him and then falling. In my defense, he fell first and then it all just fell into place and it all feels so right.

So I've been working all summer trying to save up for all my dorm stuff and just money for college in general and cause it's the summer, we had been getting several new hires to replace the people leaving. That's how I met him- he was the new guy at work that all the girls were talking about. I mean, yeah he was cute, but I didn't really care. He was my coworker and honestly I don't really care much about appearances. If you look good, but have a horrible personality, then you're not a good person- end of story. So I never really cared like the other girls.
I started working with him and just helping him get the basics down and we just made small talk here and there. Soon, we were joking around and just becoming really good friends. I had friends in the other parts of the store that were jealous that I got along so well with him and that we were really good friends because he was so cute. That didn't matter to me though, cause we were friends and I didn't think of him as anything else.
It got to the point where we texted every day and hung out all the time even if we weren't at work. Seriously, we were best friends and I had no reason to believe otherwise. At least, that's what I say, but then I've never been very good at noticing how people feel about me. But I knew how he felt because one of the nights that we had stayed up talking, he told me that he loved me and it just kind of hit me. "Did he really mean it? He's never joked around like that before."
I knew that we had to talk about it and when I brought it up, he swore he didn't remember what had been said, so I left it. If he really didn't remember then it was better left forgotten. But he saw how much it had bothered me that he didn't let it go and we talked about it. At that time, I didn't feel anything towards him and I'm so sorry about that. If I had known that it would all have changed, I never would have told him. I never would have even mentioned what he had said. He said that he had been joking, but he kept saying that even if he did feel that way about me, it wouldn't be right. He kept downplaying it and it just makes me think the opposite. He even went as far as to quote The Notebook. Cliche, I know. But so adorable. He loves movies so much that he just quotes them at random times and I love it. But he doesn't know that.
Since that day, we've kept talking but not as much as we used to and even hanging out hasn't really been the same. There's just a lingering awkwardness that follows and I know why it's there.
I miss my best friend, even if that's not how I feel anymore, but I can't tell you that. No I'm not ashamed, but you're gone. Physically gone. You moved in today and I leave tomorrow so I won't get to see you until November. That last day we were together, you hugged me and it just all connected. It felt so right, and it just made me think and realize what you mean to me and I hate myself because it took me so long to realize it. All I want is to tell you how I feel, but is it really the right thing to do? I leave for college tomorrow, so there's no way to tell you in person, but if I do tell you, it'll have be in a phone call and I don't want that. It doesn't feel right. Then with your birthday coming up, I feel like I'll ruin it all.

What a summer it has been.