𝐟𝐚𝐥𝐥𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐲𝐨𝐮

do it for you

Jorge's POV:

The day flies by much more quickly than I want it to. The hours ticking by like minutes, the afternoon quickly arrives.

I have to go back to my house.

I don't plan on staying or anything, but showing up at this hour means I will surely run into my mom.

I take a moment and consider the idea of pushing it off until tomorrow. I quickly decide against it. If I did that, Benji would use breakfast as a bargaining tool and force me to eat with him if I wanted to go. The idea of downing one more meal makes me feel slightly ill.

And, if I wait until tomorrow, I'll have to steal another outfit from Benji's closet.

Though, I don't exactly hate that idea.

Before I know it, I'm buckled into the car and we're on the way to my house. I bounce my leg in an attempt to rid myself of all the nervous energy that's spilling out of me.

Benji looks over at me, probably concerned.

I shift my gaze down at my lap.

"Are you scared, baby?" Benji asks, his voice deep and comforting.

I bite my lip and nod.

"I'll be waiting right outside for you. I won't go anywhere." He reassures me.

"Thank you, Benji." My voice is hardly a whisper.

"Of course." He smiles, pulling into the driveway.

I swallow hard when I see my mom and my brother's cars in the garage.

"I believe in you, baby. Be brave, and do this for you." Benji locks eyes with me.

I try to shake off my fear. "I'll be right back." I manage, pulling open the car door.

My whole body seems to shake as I open my front door. Never has my own home felt more unwelcoming. The bad memories rush in like a flood. I cringe when I remember my mom walking through this very door, finding my lips on Benji's. The fact that I was just wrapped up in his arms makes me feel sick and ashamed.

I'm so awful.

I'm shaken from my thoughts at the sight in front of me. I don't know what I expected to see when I passed through the doorway.

But it sure as hell wasn't this.

My mother stands there, red in the face with bleary eyes. She had been crying. Looking rather disheveled in appearance, her jaw hangs open in stunned silence.

"Y- You came back."

"I'm only here to collect some of my things." I say, firmly.

"Jorge, I'm sorry I-"

"Sorry for what? Kicking me out? Neglecting me for years?" I spit. I don't know where this sudden confidence is coming from. I guess everything I've kept bottled up is ready to explode.

"All of it. If you quit that gay stuff, you could stay here."

My heart drops into my gut.

This is my chance to have my mom back.

All I ever hear in my head is how dirty my sexuality is. How wrong I am for having loving thoughts about Benji. How sick I am for feeling that way about boys.

Could the voice really be right?

I feel gross about it.

I find myself brought back to my walk this morning, when I was wound tightly in Benji's arms. I remember what he told me- About how having human desires wasn't bad.

"No, mom."

Her face twists, she looks broken. After everything she's put me through, I somehow still feel sympathy toward her.

But it's either her or Benji.

No, scratch that.

Her, or me.

Benji was right. I need to be brave, and I need to do this for myself. In a way, saying no to her is saying yes to Benji.

But it's also saying yes to who I am deep down.

I can't let her step all over that any longer. Her views ruined already something so important to me- intimacy.

I don't think I'll ever feel one-hundred percent comfortable with touch ever again, after the trauma that ensued when she saw me kiss Benji.

She can't bring me down anymore.

I gather every ounce of courage left in my body and walk past her. Every muscle in my body aches to comfort her and to come running home. Even though she's wrecked me, my heart will always look into her eyes and see mom. But my brain knows better.

I walk up the stairs, leaving her in the foyer, stunned.

I grab my favorite clothes, as well as any personal hygiene things I might need. I stuff it all into a bag alongside a few of my keepsakes. I don't know when I'll be back here. I don't know if I ever will.

I take in my surroundings. This room holds so many precious moments, and it also holds some of the most painful ones. I'm grateful for the space it gave me to be myself behind its walls. I experimented with everything from dolls, to makeup, to my mom's sweaters, safe in its shelter. And I'll never forget that.

I shut my bedroom door softly behind me, and scurry down the staircase, undetected. I feel at ease when I see Benji's car, still waiting for me, just as he had promised.

I hop in the passenger side, tossing the bag of my belongings into the backseat.

"Mi amor, you didn't even cry!" Benji smiles brightly, his eyes crinkling.

"I stood up to her." I'm practically beaming.

"I'm so proud of you, baby. You're strong."

His praise brings butterflies to my stomach.

What can I say? I'm a sucker for compliments.

I see my mom behind the glass paneling of the front door. The look in her eyes breaks me, bringing my positive mood to a crashing halt.

"C-Can we go home now?" I look pleadingly at Benji.

He starts up the car and we pull out of the driveway. I feel a sudden peace in my chest.

I did this by myself.

For myself.