minute by minute / evak

030. "I have always showered alone!"

"Dear diary,

It's Friday morning, and it's been almost a week since Even's party. He decided to come to school with me, although his face still looked like shit and he was more scared than ever. Scared of opinions.

He started to feel better a couple of days ago, but wasn't so sure if he could ever show his face to anyone again. I encouraged him to do it, because he was for sure the strongest person i knew.
He thinks it's wrong for people to know about all of the issues in their family, and i understand him on some level. Everything shouldn't be told, but something as serious as abusing happened to him. It's not wrong to talk about it, no matter how ashamed someone might feel about it. It's never the victim's fault.

- Isak, 23.11.2016"

"Are you sure you want to do this?" I made sure as we walked out of the door, and as the cold air hit us straight to our faces.

"Yeah, pretty sure."

The sun was shining, and it was snowing a little bit without any wind. It was still probably the coldest day of the year, and it could be noticed by the red color on people's faces.
The boys welcomed Even well. I was happy that they were understanding, and for sure best friends a person could possibly have.

"Remember, if you feel like you can't do something, then you don't have to." I reminded him before letting him go to his class.

"That's what i always do." He smiled weakly, but trying to look confident and worryless. He failed.

"Of course. And if you need me, come and find me. You don't have to go through this shit all alone. Get it, shithead?"

"Yeah. See you." He smiled and gave me a kiss at the door, before walking into the class.

"Dude, you really love him." Magnus commented as we walked.

"Like that wasn't obvious already."

...

"No, Even! I have always showered alone!"

We were fighting about how Even wanted to save the environment and our amazing earth. He claimed that people were paying no attention to destroying literally everyone's futures, and wanted to get a shower together.

He had never seen me naked, and i totally didn't want for him to see me like that. I was so insecure about my body, but i knew that at some point he was going to see me without any clothes on.

"Yeah, but Isak we have to save clean water or else in thirty years we have none!"

"Is it really the environment you have on your mind?"

"Absolutely. Who do you think i am?" He laughed.

I knew he wasn't going to give up until i let him get a shower with me. I guess i had no other choice.

"Fine."

He ran to hug me happily, and i couldn't help but to smile. If i was him, i wouldn't be so damn excited to see me naked, looking like a wet dog.

"Let me go first."

I walked into the bathroom, and just stared at myself from the mirror for few seconds. I started taking my clothes off, one piece by one.
I was ready for this, i really was. But i didn't like my own body that much, even though i knew i had no reasons to hate it.

"I'm ready!" I yelled.

After a while, Even appeared to the bathroom. I tried to cover myself as much as i could, which made him come closer to me. He saw how insecure i was, so he kissed me gently. To make sure everything was alright, probably.

"You're so beautiful, Isak." He buried his face into my neck, whispering.

My face grew hotter, and i was for sure as red as a damn fire truck. I couldn't help it, which embarrased me.
I cleared my throat, to get myself together.

"You're not bad either, Even."

I touched his face, including all the bruises he had on it. He shivered from all the pain. And it wasn't because of physical pain, the worst pain was inside of his little body. In his head and heart. I just wanted to make him feel alright.

I took a deep breath, before taking his hand and leading him under the shower. He turned it on, and i watched as the warm water ran down his hair, face and whole body.
We kissed, pressing our bodies against each other's. It wasn't a sexual thing, more like a soft and full of caring. I wanted to be close to him just out of pure love, nothing else.

"I love you, Even. If no one else in this world does, you should know that i do. I will always be by your side, and i swear to God that nothing could ever come between us. That's the thing."

He looked sad, but tried to smile. It was clearly forced, and it wasn't right.

"You know, don't hide yourself. Don't stop all the feelings you are blessed to have. Was it sadness or not, show it. Don't ever dare to bottle them inside of you. That shit's not healthy at all." I explained.

He thought about it for a second, before nodding. He was a smart boy, he knew what i meant.

"Smile if you truly want to, but you should never fake it."

I started to sound like some smart ass, who tried to heal hurted people on a daily basis for his job. I didn't want to be that person, but it was the truth. Those people were right about all the healing stuff. It happens slowly for sure, but it will get better.

"Will it ever stop hurting?" He asked after a while.

"You'll be alright."

"Can you promise me that it all won't hurt anymore some day?"

"No. You know i can't do that." I answered.

Now i had made the situation worse than it was. How stupid could a single person be?

"You will always feel the small sting in your heart, but not all the time. Only when that specific thing is brought up, sometime in your future. Hopefully not.
But it's all going to be okay. I can promise that."