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Before the war I used to dance around the kitchen singing whatever song was stuck in my head at the time. John would watch me with a smile stretched across his perfect features as I forced Finn to dance with me. Eventually the house would fill with giggles as I spun the smallest Shelby around. We didn't have a care in the world then. Our homes were filled with love and endless dreams now they were filled with reality. It was a stark difference between the two worlds. One was painted in the brightest of colours while the other was painted in greyscale. If asked which I preferred I don't think there would be a simple answer. Missing my old life does not bring it back. Loathing the one I have now does not change my circumstances. So why choose. Why not just let myself live and be happy in the moment I'm in.
I laced my fingers with Johns underneath the booth as I zoned in and out of his and Arthur's conversation. I couldn't keep my eyes off the new barmaid I wasn't sure if I trusted her or not. Tommy seemed quite infatuated by the new blonde his eyes followed every step she took. Maybe that's what made me nervous. Thomas Shelby hadn't taken this much interest in a women since before. Normally it was the women watching his every move. This was new. This was interesting. "What do you think Noel?" Arthur asked knocking me out of my thoughts.
"About what?" I asked turning to face him. He rolled his eyes slamming his drink and sliding a small amount of money over to John who smiled happily. "Did you bet your brother I wasn't listening?" I scolded pulling my hand away from his so I could cross my arms.
"You can take this one of two ways. I prefer the first wich is I just know you so well," he smirked kissing my cheek his joy quickly fades when he notices I'm having none of it. "The second is I'm an ass and I'm sorry."
"Apology accepted," I rolled my eyes, taking a sip of my whisky. "Now, I promised to go see Ada I'll meet you at home?" I went to stand up but John quickly stopped me.
"I'll walk you. It's dark." I decided not to argue giving a quick goodbye to Arthur and Thomas. I had never really felt fear walking alone in small heath. Not like everyone said I was supposed to. Maybe it was because I knew I was always constantly watched by some peaky blinder. Or maybe it was the small gun I had kept in my clutch since I was sixteen. "We should have a kid." John blurted.
"Where did that come from?" I questioned as we stopped at our destination. John shrugged shoving his hands into his pockets and staring down at his shoes. "John?"
"Look I like you," he mumbled. I couldn't control my laughter at how ridiculous this all sounded. "Why are you laughing? This isn't funny Noel!!"
"Yes it is! No shit you like me! You literally bark at men who get too close to me John Shelby. We've been attached at the hip for longer than I can remember and we literally tell one another we love the other a few times a day. So tell me where is this sudden plan for the future coming from?" I took a step closer to him pulling his hands out of his pockets so he could lace them around my waste. He perched his chin on the top of my head, letting out a long breath.
"You deserve a man whose planning a future." John mumbled. "So that's what I'm gonna do I'm gonna plan a future."
"Are you ready for that John? Because I'll wait for as long as it takes. I'm all yours. Always." I proclaimed.
"If you're beside me I'm ready for anything," he kissed me softly groaning against my lips as the front door swung open and his sister began to pull me away. "I'll come back later. Okay!"
"Okay! I love you John Shelby!" I yelled after him loud enough so the neighbours could hear.
"And I love you Noel Halliwell!"
— When Ada finally got me inside she got quiet. Normally the minute she sat me down she talked until it felt like my ear was going to fall off. I didn't mind I much preferred listening to someone else speak then have them listen to me.
"Ada what's wrong dear?" I asked reaching out for her hands. The way they were so tightly wrapped around her tea cup I swore it was about to shatter from the pressure. "Ada it's me you can tell me anything."
"You and John being all lovey dovey makes me want to vomit," a little sparkle twinkled in the corner of her eye before they grew dark again. "Or maybe it's the morning sickness. I can't really tell anymore."
"Ada are you pregnant?!" I wasn't sure whether to be excited or apologetic. Of course this was exciting news Ada had always wanted to be a mother but the circumstances were anything but ideal. Her brothers would surely kill Freddie the minute the words left her lips.
"Yes and Freddie nowhere to be found. I want him to know, and I want to keep it." Ada finally looked at me her eyes glazing over. "Pol thinks I shouldn't. Thinks I should wait till I'm married. Married to anyone but Freddie really." My heart broke at her sadness. Her was a woman who cared for her family so deeply stuck with a decision that could divide the people in her life.
"We'll find Freddie. We'll tell him and then you'll get your happily ever after like you've always dreamed. Fuck what your brothers think. They'll have to go through me Ada." I jumped up and walked over to my best friend wrapping her in the tightest hug I could as Pol walked into the kitchen to help me get Ada to bed. Once we both knew the girl was fast asleep Pol and I retreated back to the kitchen for a conversation of our own.
"Tommy won't have it. You know this Noel." Pol stated. "It doesn't matter what the girl wants. Tommy overrules, don't play dumb and imagine a life that's different."
"Polly."
"Off to bed. John will be home soon. Breath none of this to him do you understand." I nodded my head and sulked towards my bedroom. Why was it that things always had to turn to shit. Had it always been this way and I was just too naive to realize.
I cried myself to sleep that night. For the first time in years when John joined me in bed my pillow was wet and my hair was a ratted mess. "Noel what's wrong love. I haven't seen you cry like this since...well since I don't know when." He cooed pulling me against his chest. He mumbled sweet nothings to me as I tried to calm myself down. His rough hands got tangled in the blonde knots of hair as we laid there our minds both rattled with disturbances.
"Things are changing John."
"Yes but it's for the better love. It's for the better." He kissed my forehead. "Don't worry I'll protect you from anything and everything you're scared of. Now let's dry those tears and get some sleep. Yeah?" I nodded silently unable to get a word out in fear that I would tell him this time he couldn't protect me. This time the thing we were up against was something we ourselves didn't even want to fight. It was Tommy.
