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In my nightmares the white satin ends up stained with blood. Gunshots overtake the wedding march and the I do's aren't uttered from our lips. My wedding is a war. A day filled with heartache and the cold reality that small heath has sucked out all the life left in us. We are broken soldiers still struggling to breath in the trenches. Most of us do not survive.
The whole house is woken by my screams and not even John can calm me as I try to gather composure only to be forced back into my deteriorating mind. On some nights I Dream I've woken up by the corpse of my soon to be husband. On others I dream he wakes up by mine. I do not know which I prefer, because in both we suffer. In both we lose ourselves because we've lost the other.
"Avoiding sleep won't help you any," Polly kisses the top of my head as she hands me a fresh cup of tea. I hold the small tea cup with both of my hands letting the warmth travels up my arms. "John is worried."
"When is he not worried?" I snap hands shaking as I try to lift the cup. "Am I insane Pol? Should I be committed?"
"No Noel you are not insane. You are just a woman changed by the war," Polly assures me.
"But I did not see the war," I argued.
"You saw the aftermath. You heard the stories. You felt the trauma." Polly cupped my face. "The nightmares will stop. Peace will come."
"I fear that peace will only come to me in death."
"Pol can you give us a minute," John walls over to his aunt putting a hand on her shoulder and nodding that he has this. He does not have this that's why he spends his nights in the Garrison drunk and regretful of asking the crazy women to marry him.
"Noel love," he cooes. "Please look at me."
"You're going to leave me," I cry.
"No love." He kisses my forehead. "I'll be with you until our hair goes grey. We will be that old couple who pass away peacefully in our sleep wrapped in each other's arms. Okay." He lifts my chin so I'm forced to look in his eyes. "Let's go see the horses yeah?" I nodded, letting him lead me to the stables. His arms wrap around my waist as I pet the horses a sense of calm returning. "I'm thinking you'll carry daisies. Like the ones I used to steal from gardens to give you when we were small."
"The pink ones?" I chuckle.
"Yes the pink ones," he sways me slowly. "I love you. We will get through this okay."
"You were right. Seeing her made me bad again." I mumbled turning myself around so I could nuzzle into his chest.
"Together we will get you better. You and I Noel. We will make new beginnings. Happy beginnings. Yeah?"
"Yeah." I kiss him softly. I hope he's right. Oh god I hope he's right.
