The Story Of My Life

Internet vs Outernet

Hey guys! So it's currently 9:50pm, Sunday August 25, 2019. My wifi shut off 5 mins ago. Awhile ago my parents got this smart wifi or whatever and it's set to turn off at a certain hour each night and come back on in the morning. Previously, it'd turn off at 10pm on weeknights and 12:30am on weekends and it's always be back on at 8am the following morning. However recently this changed. It now turns off at 9:45pm every night except Saturday night, when it turns off at 11:30, and it only comes back on at 9:30am. This was very infuriating when I found out like, the next day, but y'all know how I just kinda internalize everything and deal with it on my own. I don't show stuff. Anyways, as I mentioned, it shut off a few minutes ago, so I'm on data now. I use a lot more data since they've messed with my wifi. When it did tho, I got to thinking. Now it's gonna seem like I'm getting sidetracked again bc I do that a lot but I promise this is relevant. I LOVE Pinterest. I live on it. No, I'm not 75, I don't look at landscaping and baking recipes. Pinterest is my main source for memes mostly but also for mental health stuff and information and whatnot. I can't remember what it was called or exactly what it said, but I saw an image once discussing technology (OMG MY DOG IS HOWLING IN HER SLEEP AS IM WRITING THIS THAT WAS SO CUTE OMGGGGGGGGGGG) and internet for young people with mental illnesses. Basically the gist of it was that we find comfort in distracting ourselves from our own lives by focusing on the lives of others (eg- YouTube, on which I spend all my days) as well as talk to internet friends. Parents often are against internet friends bc "YOU DONF KNOW THEM THEYRE PROBABLY PLAYING YOU THEYRE GONNA FIND YOU AND KIDNAP YOU AND STEAL ALL YOUR STUF BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH" but like?? No??? We know how to handle ourselves online thank, better than we do irl. Which is why internet friends are so important. They're still friends but the barrier of a screen helps us to be more comfortable getting to know them, whereas the real world can be harsh and scary. I myself find it very hard to talk to new people irl, it's near impossible due to my anxiety and crap, but online? I chat up a storm with anyone who makes a point that I have an opinion on. Comment on a story in wattpad? I'll come have a 2 month discussion with you. Comment on a tweet from someone I follow? Hey man, let's make some jokes. Both of those examples have happened to me, in fact, the second one happened just earlier today. Now that all seemed rambly and off topic, I know bc I do that a heck of a lot, but I have a point. Some parents punish by taking away technology, making us face the world, or in my case, taking away the wifi. For many of us, myself highly included, the real world is TERRIFYING. You think we hide inside all day just for the fun of it? I mean, you're not totally wrong, I love YouTube, but mainly it's bc we can't face the world, and the internet is an escape. I know there are dangers out there online but for the most part, there are good communities out there, with people who are kind and supportive even if they've never met you. This is such a relief to me and I know it is to others as well. And yet, parents won't hear it. They won't hear us when we tell them what we need. They call us "lazy," "irresponsible," etc, and they take away our only escape and throw us out into the world we fear so dearly. It's happened to me, and so many other people out there. I'm at the bottom of the food chain in my school. The one everyone picks on; a total loser. I'm so grateful for my friends that I have; I don't deserve them, and they sure as hell deserve way better than me. All I do is complain/joke about how bad my mental health is. Off topic again, sorry. I'm at the end of the pecking order. I live in a relatively small town, and I live right across the street from a park with a basketball court (I think I mentioned that in a previous chapter?). It's usually my responsibility to take care of my dog (feed her and walk her and stuff), unless it's early in the morning and I'm still asleep (I sleep til noon usually). I guess that won't be the case when I go back to school and am forced to wake up early again. Jeez, off topic again, sorry. Anyways I fear getting yelled at if I don't take her out for her walks when she needs them. Problem is, that court is popular. Most days I'll see at least 2 people I know. Again, this has been mentioned before, but I always panic and try to zip home as quick as possible. I've had everything taken away from me before; I have bad memories of those times. Not just because of being cut off, but because of everything else that was going on at the time, I'll get into it another time maybe. But I know what it's like to have nothing. I've been afraid in my own house. I've cried for hours, alternatively I've stared at the wall/ceiling, dead and emotionless, wanting nothing more than to bawl my eyes out. I'm always told "don't bottle it up, it's good to let it out, it's healthy," but I can't. When I get like that, I try and try just to squeeze out a few tears but nothing comes. It takes a lot to make me cry, and even then, it doesn't take long for me to get to that state of emptiness. Wow ok that went places I didn't expect when I started writing this. I had this idea in my head of what I'd write before I even picked up my phone but I guess it never really goes according to plan, does it? Whatever. Man this was a really long one, I'm so sorry😂. As always though, thank you so much for reading, I know this was a train wreck, and if you made it this far you're probably suffering so I'm sorry about that but it really does mean a lot to me, seeing people read these. It's nice to vent out. I love you all ❤️