The Story Of My Life

Bebe

Today is Saturday November 23, 2019. It's 9:22 pm. At exactly 7 pm, my baby brother emerged into the world. 7 lbs 13 oz. His name is Wesley and he's very attached to my mom. No one else could hold him because he's so fussy. Kayden was sobbing bc she wanted a girl so badly.

I was at my dads today. Knew for a fact it was baby day. No one over there knew my mom was even pregnant until today. It was super awkward and I was panicking when he found out and I told him my gramma was coming to get me early to go to the hospital. He tried to guilt trip me into staying but only once and he didn't try very hard. I know he can guilt trip better than that. Ig deep down he knew I needed to go.

The whole way there I was panicking and having flashbacks. Cried a few tears. Panicked a lot. Kayden's birth traumatized me.

Also had to sit beside my nana on the way in and out. The way in was awful. She likes to bug me and poke at me (physically and verbally), and give me "facts." Shes the type of person who would tell me to "stop worrying" like wow it's a miracle suddenly my anxiety is cured. She told me "there's nothing to worry about, it's natural, you're four years older now, you're stronger." Now reading that sounds good right? No. She's basically shoving my anxiety under the rug and calling me dramatic. The whole "stop worrying" situation.

Ig it hasn't really processed yet. I can't really focus on anything and I'm not feeling as much as I thought I would. That probably makes me sound cold. But it's just not clicking yet. He's beautiful but I'm worried.

My sister is 4. She throws tantrums, cries over a LOT, and has the BIGGEST attitude ever. So to have her and a newborn at the same time? Oh sweet Lord give me and my family strength. No ones gonna sleep like, ever, my moms gonna be so snappy and sleep deprived... holy heck the more I think about it the more I fear that my future won't happen.

The plan was to talk to mom in a few months about getting a dog. But will that be enough? Will she be in a good enough place to say yes? Probably not. Even with my therapist and trainers on my side, I still doubt it.

I feel bad, talking about myself when there's a baby to think about...

There was gonna be a "but" until I realized that I have no excuse. Thinking about myself and my future when I have another helpless human being to think about... I'm a crappy selfish person.

Great now I sound like an attention whore looking for pity. God I can't do anything right. DAMMIT IM STILL DOING IT UGH.

Idk why you're here, unless you're 0LittleBlackHeart0 bc I know you're here bc you care and ilysm💙💙💙

But the rest of you? I'm grateful that you're reading this and I hope you're enjoying it bc I hate being a burden or wasting ppls time but I honestly have no clue what about any of this appeals to anyone.

But, since you're here, thank you. Truly. Ilyasm 💙💙💙💙