The Story Of My Life

Not Good

Oh boy is this overdue. Today is Monday September 30, 2019. I've literally been meaning to write this for a week but y'all know how I am.

So 8 days ago I woke up and saw my reflection and didn't like what I saw (like I do literally every morning). Except I finally decided to do something about it. I decided to eat better and work out.

So I go to the kitchen and look for healthy food but like, we don't have that here. All I found were some old baby carrots so I grabbed those. (Getting sidetracked again: every time I eat carrots I become hyper aware of how easily I could bite off a finger).

So I'm walking around the corner and my mom says "whatcha grabbing? A bagel?" (She thought I was grabbing cream cheese from the fridge and she was on her phone don't hate on her). So I'm just like "I wish" and pop one into my mouth. Legit she looked at me like :0 and all surprised was like "oh!"

She thought I was inspired by YouTube because and I quote: "that's the only thing that influences you these days." So I was like "nah lol I just hate my body."

She even told me the only reason she wasn't arguing was bc exercise and stuff is good for the mood so whatevs.

So I've lost 1 lb this past week, my mom has bought me all kinds of fruits and stuff but ppl have been buying delicious crappy food and leaving it on the counter (literal pain) where it stares at me and tempts me. Also my dad seems determined to break me; I've visited him twice since starting my diet and he consistently tries to break my diet.

Also, remember when I said exercise is good for the mood? Yeah mom woulda been right, science woulda been right, if it wasn't me they were dealing with. I'm now hyper-aware of my body. I was aware of it before but now it's like, hyper fixation. And I'm DEPRESSED AF. LITERALLY DEAD INSIDE.

I just want to cry, and die, and have a decent body, and eat all the food in my house, ugh. I'm not having a good time. I want to do things with my life but I can't. My plan for tonight was to write a story but I can't bring myself to. I'm just broken, y'know?

I ranted to my friends and got yelled at for saying bad things abt myself and really, I'm grateful for their support; they insist that I'm not fat and I wanna believe them but I can't.

I don't wanna get out of bed tomorrow. I don't wanna see people tomorrow. I wanna cry. I want the pain to be gone. But I know I never get what I want. I've learned to accept that, to go with the flow and do as I'm told. To never show when it hurts.

I even envision my potential service dog walking beside me when I'm at school. It rained all day today (like it's been doing for a few days) and I imagined putting on his jacket so he didn't get too wet. I imagine him at my feet in class. I imagine how he'd help me through all my attacks. Even now I imagine how he could help distract me from my own reflection.

My step dad earlier asked me why I didn't mow the lawn today. I'd come to learn that he was joking but I didn't know that at the time. I started panicking bc he sounded serious but I needed to defend myself. I told him I was at school and no one told me to and it's wet out. He told me to take the hairdryer. At that point I realized he was kidding so I just said no and he laughed and I went back to my YouTube.

Also my throat started burning suddenly earlier and idk what it is so that's fun. I looked it up but nothing matched.

So yeah, I'm not exactly in the best place rn. Wish I could joke about it and say "lol" a bit but all I want to do is stare at the wall and cry. Maybe sleep that'd be nice. I could go on forever. And of course it's when I go to my therapist that I'm in the best mood so she doesn't even get to see me when I'm like this. Ugh. Life is pain. I already knew that though. I could rant about life and my dad for awhile but I literally don't have the energy. This alone is draining.

So yeah, sorry about that. By "that" I mean literally everything. Thanks for reading, ilyasm ❤️