The Story Of My Life

Angry Cry

Wednesday March 4, 2020, 9:30 pm

Ever get so angry you wanna cry?

I do. All the time. I'm there rn.

It's been a min since I've updated. I'm sick and sore and tired from lack of sleep. Maybe that's why I'm feeling so hard. Maybe it'll go away. Maybe I'm being dramatic again. Maybe I should write off my feelings like I always do.

But I won't.

Bc rn my feelings are real.

When I got home from school today, I fed my dog and took her out, as I do, then sat down to chill until my dad came to get me (we visit on Wednesday's from 4-9 and every other Saturday from 10-9).

Then Tyler (my step dad in case u didn't know) asked me to hook my laptop up to the tv so "we" could watch Frozen 2 later.

I thought that was weird as I have school tmrw and don't get back til late but whatever. So I hook it up to the downstairs tv bc the cords are there and easier to access and I don't like my laptop being far from my room unless I'm with it.

So my dad gets here and Tyler gets annoyed bc he wanted it upstairs. At this point I'm getting triggered and am on auto pilot and snappy. So I bring it up and log on (against everything telling me not to) and plug it in and open the movies folder.

Then this frickin man asked for my password in case it locked. Like he wanted access to my laptop. I get that it was just a movie but that's not how it is to me.

I could always use the excuse of "we were supposed to watch that as a family" but that's not how this is going.

1- my dad was here and making him wait sends me into a panic

2- I've had my personal belongings violated before and it was awful. I'm actually crying now that I think abt it. I don't like anyone being on my stuff at all let alone when I'm not there to supervise

3- they didn't even end up watching the movie so now everyone knows my password for no reason whatsoever and I now have to change the password I've always used which will be an adjustment

4- the big reason. The whole rant. That's my safe place. It's one of my most personal devices. My family having access to that triggers me. I'm sobbing. It reminds me of so many dark times in my life. Asides from my phone, that is my dearest, most personal device.

That's where I go when I'm sad, when I'm happy, when there's something to celebrate, when there's work to do, when I have a goal to accomplish, everything. That is my place and mine only. But now it feels violated. I can't deal with that. It's not ok. I'm not ok. I'm angry and sobbing. My mind is all over the place. It doesn't help the pounding headache at all. Everything sucks and I hate it. I need my space and my privacy and my safe haven. That's how I cope. And if that's gone, what's left for me?