The Story Of My Life

Insanity

Sunday April 5, 2020, 7:58 pm

How long have I been on quarantine? Over a week. Maybe 2. Idk. I don't have a sense of time anymore. I've lost all work flow.

School was officially cancelled awhile ago. Again, no sense of time so I can't remember when it was announced. I tweeted abt it when it happened but I'm too lazy to check.

This is really slow to type. My thumbs are doing the thing where they don't move very fast. I can't think.

So anyways, I think I've gone insane. Or I'm bipolar. Or both. Maybe it's the quarantine. Maybe it's always been there. I officially lost my mind a couple days ago.

It's been weird. My mood swings are so dramatic it's almost scary. When I first started my descent, I'd burst out laughing maniacally over nothing. I'd swing between such mania and utter depression so fast.

I've been coping with YouTube and anime. It's become an obsession. Even when I'm not obsessing, my mind is gone. I take so long to process anything, even my own thoughts. My memory has somehow gotten worse than it was before. I can often be found staring off slack-jawed upon being spoken to.

It was fine before. I could deal with it. I could distract myself. The physical discomfort in my legs can be solved with a stretch but my mind? That's not so easily fixed.

Today was bad. I love my anime, don't get me wrong. I did feel joy. I did obsess. But I was overshadowed by that dark, ruthless depression that I haven't felt in some time.

It's that kind that I can't find a specific blame for. It's just there. I ran out of energy to even keep watching anime. I tried YouTube but I can only stare blankly.

I didn't think this would get to me. I mean, I get to stay in bed, sleep all I want, watch anime, eat food, etc etc etc. But I broke. I'm all over the place. I need help. I miss my therapist. I miss being even a little bit ok.

My gramma is talking to me as I write this. It's hard to even pretend over text that I'm not breaking. That one "haha" was all I could manage. I couldn't even bring myself to say my classic "lol."

I have friends who often live like this even without a global pandemic. I'm so sorry. I'm so so sorry guys.

I was basically forced to go to the store the other day and I was paranoid the whole time. I didn't touch anything. I avoided everyone. I just barely held myself together.

Anyone who texts me on a semi-regular basis will already know that I've lost it. But as of writing this, there's only one who knows how far in I am.

Brain function is gone. Emotions are out of control. Insanity has taken a hold of me and idk what to do. I don't have the energy to do anything. Even writing this was hard. I managed to get my speedpaints for Wednesday and next Sunday but that was early. I can't go for a walk. That'd take more than I have. I barely make it upstairs to eat and shower every so often.

Idk what to do. I can't even cry even though I really, really need it. My migraines are getting worse. My ears are ringing louder and more constantly. All my functions are stopping.

I don't mean to worry anyone (*cough* Ash *cough cough*), so I'm sorry. I'll make it through this, like I always do. It just doesn't get any easier.

My adhd is kicking me in the ass rn so I know for a fact that there's a lot I didn't say that I meant to. I know I thought abt a lot of things to say but I lost them. Maybe I can take some extra melatonin and crash. Only got like, 6 hours of sleep last night.

There's so much I wanna do but I don't have the energy or motivation. Which is why I haven't been doing anything on my gaming channel like I said I would.

I'll start having classes again tmrw. Maybe that'll do smthn for me. I had a great flow during the first week of quarantine. So much for that.

Anyways, my head is pounding and my bladder is about to explode so imma go deal with that, maybe put on some music and try to sleep but end up just thinking too much.

Also my gramma is pestering me to go upstairs more. I know she means well and is trying to help but I'm just not at that level right now. I love her. But I can't.

I'm sorry if I worried anyone. I'm holding on. We'll get through this. If anyone needs to talk, I'm here.

Ilyasm💙