The Story Of My Life

I'll always be sick

Hey y'all. Happy new year. I personally don't feel a whole lot different but I'm sick so I don't really work normally.

I've been sick for a long time. My memories from the time before being sick are vague and faded, mostly.

Being sick is hard. It's enough to keep me bed bound for days sometimes. Others it's not so bad. I've learned that my sicknesses are up and down.

It's a wild ride, but I just wanna get off. It effects me in many ways, physically, mentally, and emotionally.

It's like holding back a cough. You can hold it for a bit no problem, but after awhile, it becomes harder as the cough gets more intense, and those around you start to notice you're fighting it. They'll ask if you're ok and you'll choke out that you're fine while still trying to hold back the cough. How could you let it out? You wouldn't wanna make someone else sick. So you don't cough. You struggle to keep it in until you go home and let it all out. You can eat a lozenge to ease it for a bit but there's no controlling it. Sometimes the cough seems to be getting better and you have a good day, but it comes back. It always comes back. Sometimes it hits so hard you can't move, can't think; you can only deal with the pain and hope it goes away.

They say I don't look sick. I'm not holding in any coughs. I'm not running a fever. My body still mostly functions. But what good is a complex machine with a broken circuit board?

Any organ in the body can fall ill. Even skin and bones. The brain is no exception. My brain is sick. It effects everything, including the body which it pilots.

Sickness has no rhyme or reason; no code it follows. Sickness is sickness, no matter where it is, or how it presents itself.

My brain is sick. I try to fight it but it only comes back harder. It doesn't matter that I had a good night last night. It doesn't matter how much I have to be thankful for. I'm still sick.

I live with this. Sometimes it's not so bad. Sometimes it beats me to a point where I can't even cry anymore. It takes all good things and burns them in front of me. It smothers me in all the bad things.

I'm going to fail. I'm going to hurt. I'm not gonna make it. I'll never amass to anything. I'll never achieve greatness. I'll never even achieve enough success to support myself. I'm a lost cause. Living like this is hard. I can't do it alone.

The drugs don't work. I still hurt, I'm still sick. It's chronic. It's a chain reaction that only starts more problems and worsens the existing ones.

I don't know how to talk to people so I'm writing it here. To my friends reading this; I'm sorry I didn't talk to you personally. I'm mentally and emotionally drained rn. I don't really have the energy for social interaction just now.

(Meanwhile I'm at my grandparents with cheery, bright, talkative, social people 😒😞)

I just wanna go home. I need sleep and distractions. I can't watch YouTube here. I don't even think I can go on Pinterest. All these people have good hearts and intentions but they're a bit wild for me rn. I'm to tired for this.

Oh well.

There's ice cream so whatever.

I'll be ok guys. Love y'all sm