Lunar Poetry

emotional avoidance

august 27, 2019

i love talking to people
i'm very extroverted
and quite funny if i do say so myself
but as soon as i start getting close
i push them away
isolate myself and
act like i don't need anyone.

i try to become friends
with people who don't deserve me
because them not wanting me
gives me a challenge to beat
i push the good ones away
i don't like it when
people actually like me
for who i am

i become panicky
oh no, they like me
how long will it be
before i disappoint them.

what i do instead
before they get disappointed
before they get to hurt me
i hurt both them and myself
by pushing them away
avoiding the pain earlier
i feel a sense of control that way
even if it's not what i wanted

what a cheat i am
stealing my opportunities of creating bonds with people before they happen
i had friendship and relationship problems for years
i overthink too much and ruin everything

don't get me wrong
i have no problems making friends
building relationships
it's just that i feel like i want to
remain alone when i truly don't
i feel like i don't need anybody
be alone and independent
but i still want people and friends
to do fun things with,
have cute memories with

this feeling frustrates me but
hopefully one day
i'll get over this problem
be kind to myself
let myself be free with people
not worry about disappointing them
and them not hurting me in return
if it happens, it happens
if it doesn't, it won't.

until then, let's all be kind :)