assigned emotion

8: trust

tanner

       "I'm sorry," Theo blurted out, sitting next to Tanner in the passenger's seat as he drove the two of them back to his apartment.

        "What for?" Tanner said, directing a confused glance at Theo.

         "Everything," he whispered, tears filling his eyes, again. "I don't know why you feel like you have to take me in when you obviously don't like me. I don't know why you won't talk to me. I don't know why your friends hate and make fun of me, but I don't understand why you stood up for me either. You supported me? I though you hated me!" He threw his hands up in exasperation. "I just don't understand anything." He looked away, biting his lip. "I guess, overall, I'm just sorry you ever had to meet me." Tanner sighed softly, pulling the car to the side of the road. "What are you doing?"

         "You're right. Well, about some stuff. Taking you into my home isn't torturing me the way you seem to think it is. Theo, you keep forgetting that your parents died. Give yourself a break!" Theo rolled his eyes and exhaled, a giveaway for more oncoming tears. "Don't roll your eyes, I'm trying to be nice," Tanner muttered, staring down at his lap. "I.. I don't know why I can't trust you. It's not fair, since you seem to trust me, I just don't know." He looked up at Theo to see him staring out the window emptily. "Also, those people aren't quite my friends. They're all assholes, but they're all I've got. When they made fun of you, I had to defend you. It's just not right. And, again, I don't fucking hate you! Stop saying that. Also, stop saying that you're sorry for everything, especially existing! I hate it." Theo turned further away, hiding his obvious tears. Tanner grabbed his chin, turning his face towards him. "Look at me. Don't. Apologize. For. Existing."

       "Then I apologize for everything else," Theo snapped, tossing his hands up angrily. Tanner felt anger shoot through his body and his hand involuntarily clenched into a fist. Theo glanced down and noticed it, his eyes widening.

       "Stop that! Stop it- now!" He snapped, feeling his facial muscles twitch with annoyance. Theo winced at his words, his body tensing as he pulled away from Tanner.

        "Okay," he whispered, pulling his knees to his chest and keeping his eyes down. It then occurred to Tanner how scared he was, chasing guilt to overflow his entire body.

         "Oh shit, Theo, I.... I'm sorry. I didn't mean to scare you. You know I'd never hurt you, right?" Theo quickly glanced up at him, teary-eyed.

        "Y-you're sorry? Why?"

       "I scared you! I shouldn't do that." Tanner looked away, horrified at himself. He knew he could never hurt Theo, simply because he couldn't hurt anyone. "Why did I do that?"

        "It's okay. I just scare easily."

        "I shouldn't scare you at all. Theo, I would never hurt you. NEVER." He spun around, grabbing Theo's arm. "Never. I just don't know... I don't now to deal with other people's pain. I'm so bad at communication and I just feel so helpless. I don't know how to fix this. I just want you to feel better. I'm so sorry," he said softly, hating the feeling of vulnerability.

       "I believe you, okay? I don't know why you can't trust me but I trust you and I believe you won't hurt me. It's just- I'm on edge all the time now so anything that could possibly be dangerous freaks me out. It's not on you. I don't know why I believe you won't maltreat me, but I do. It's so stupid, cause everyone who I've ever trusted has hurt me." Tanner flinches, imagining what Theo could've possibly gone through to break him so deeply. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that," Theo mumbled, rubbing away the remains of the tears that he'd tried so hard to hide from Tanner. He turned away, but Tanner softly grabbed his wrist, turning him back towards him. Shock flashes across Theo's face, mingling with slight fear again. Tanner, for some reason, pulled him close, squeezing him as tightly as he can.

      "I want to trust you, but I don't know how. Theo, I really do, but you have to trust me here. I'll never hurt you. That means never. I promise you that, a million times." Tanner released him slightly, letting Theo stare up into his eyes. Tanner didn't much like physical contact, but evidently Theo did, and this was about supporting him.

        "Okay."

|||

violent-violet: why'd u leave with Theo today

Panic surged through Tanner at the Instagram message on his phone.

tannerwalsh2021: why were u watching me

violent-violet: answer my question doofus

tannerwalsh2021: is it any of your business?

violent-violet: what, r u dating him?

Tanner's panic just about triples.

tannerwalsh2021: no I'm not but would u have a problem with that?

For some reason, Tanner found himself attacking Violet at the thought of her being homophobic. His friends weren't the most accepting people, and he'd never considered himself quite liberal, but he now knew what Theo had been through with people not accepting him. He never wanted him- or anyone- to feel that way again.

violent-violet: god no, lol why would I care

tannerwalsh2021: y r u asking then

violent-violet: curious ig

Tanner stood, tossing his phone in his chair. He ran his hands through his hair, his anxiety spiking. Theo sat on the couch, looking a bit confused.

      "You okay?" Tanner nodded his yes, sitting on the other side of the couch. "Are you sure?"

      "Yeah." Both of them were quiet for a bit, Theo staring around the room absentmindedly as Tanner contemplated Violet's bizarre messages.

        "Where are your parents?" Theo suddenly asked. Tanner sighed, leaning back into the couch cushions and staring up at the ceiling. He had been dreading that question.

      "I live alone. Legally, on paper, I live with them, since they make all the payments to this apartment and send me two hundred dollars every week. In reality, they kicked me out when I was 16. I've been by myself for about a year now."

        "Tanner, what? Why?" Theo asked incredulously, pushing himself up to face him. Tanner shrugged, absently chewing his lip.

        "Long story." Theo opened his mouth to speak but then hesitated.

       "Okay. Tell me when you feel comfortable." Tanner turned to him, grateful.

            "Thanks."