assigned emotion

26: discussion

theo

Theo's heart ached. All the pain that he'd been holding back had come to the surface just a day ago, but it still hadn't gone away. He'd been hoping that it would fizzle out soon, but he was starting to worry it wouldn't. As he watched Tanner call different therapists for him, make sure he was taking his meds, make him food, and hold him- it just hurt more. Never had he felt like such a burden. Now, he sat in Tanner's arms, with his cheek against the top of his head and his legs wrapped around him.

"Why do you put up with me?" Theo's voice sounded quiet, sad. "You're so... so much better. I just can't figure out why you still waste your time with me." Tanner rolled over, pinning Theo down angrily.

        "Time I spend with you is absolutely NOT wasted time," he softly spoke, anxiety displayed across his face. "Did you know that none of my old friends have ever seen my house? I was too awkward to tell them that I live on my own. Theo, I was willing to let you live with me after knowing you for two days! Don't say that stuff." He released him, collapsing by his side. Theo was silent for a minute, and then spoke.

"It's like you said, though. You were willing to let me live with you. You didn't want me to."

"Theo," Tanner whispered, leaning over him with his hands by his face. "In the beginning, yeah. But now? I don't wanna be away from you, green eyes. I love having you live with me. Like I said, I love you." His voice was soft, testing.

Theo wanted to say it back, he had to, but the words wouldn't form. I love you, I love you too. Tanner then released him once more, rolling onto his side in the bed they laid in.

         "Why do you live by yourself?" Theo asked, changing the subject. Tanner sighed emptily.

          "My parents couldn't stand to look at me after Courtney died. I guess I looked to much like her, or they blamed me? I just don't know." Theo was quite, blinking back tears.

"Tell me more about her," he whispered, staring up at the ceiling.

"Well, her name was Courtney. You know, she didn't really look like me. I guess her face and everything, but the way she dressed and presented herself was so different. She dyed her hair black and always wore eyeliner- she was never caught without fishnets or Doc Martens on," he said with a sad laugh. "I.. I really should've seen it coming. She was always so sad, and angry. I... I should've been there for her. I should've talked to her, I should've let her talk to me! Whenever she wanted to hang out or go somewhere I always said no. I was just so busy, doing meaningless stuff," he cut himself off, rubbing his eyes. "I could've saved her." Tanner looked away, clearly trying to hide the tears pouring down his face. Without thinking, Theo grabbed him and pulls him a bit closer. He brushed the tears off of his face, heart aching.

          "It wasn't your fault, you had nothing to do with it." Tanner pressed his face into the top of Theo's head.

          "How do you know? What if I could've been there for her?" Theo scooted up the bed so he was lying next to Tanner with his arms wrapped tightly around him.

         "I know because I've tried. Suicide isn't because of other people, it's because of mental illness. It's not like that. So many people think someone else can cause if, but you really can't. If you're healthy, you wouldn't even consider it. In reality, anyone who would kill themself is sick. Mentally. You know what I mean?" Theo sighed, struggling to convey what he meant. "You can't talk someone out of cancer, and you can't cause someone to have it. Physical illness isn't as different from mental as you might think. You could never have driven her to do that, Tanner," he mumbled, pressing his head into his side. "I know you." Tanner squeezed his arms more tightly around Theo.

"Thank you," he mumbled, his voice heavy. Theo's head was starting to hurt from all the difficult subjects they'd been discussing.

"Tanner, I'm sorry," Theo began, swallowing hard. "It took you so long to open up to me about this, and I'm so sorry you had to talk about to when I was gonna... when I was being stupid," he lamely continued. "I just- you obviously weren't ready to talk about it, and I'm sorry you felt pressured into it like that. I'm sorry."

"Oh, Theo," Tanner cried, pulling away from him. "Baby. It's not like that," he whispered, leaning down to brush hair out of his face. "Theo, I probably never would've been able to talk about it. But I did. And I am so glad that I did. So glad. It feels so much better to have it off my chest like that. It's just- starting the conversation, opening up like that, it's hard. But that's not on you, okay?" He kissed Theo's forehead, making his heart pound.

"But- but you shouldn't have had to talk about it then. I just-"

"No buts. That's the end of it, okay?" Tanner laughed. "It's okay, really. I'm glad we talked." Theo shot a watery smile up at him. "Okay," he replied quietly.

"You know, I used to have flashback dreams of finding her," Tanner started, his eyes losing focus. "I would go down the hall, to the white door with the bloody handprint on it. I'd open it and find her body, all over again. Then I'd wake up and hold her hoodie 'til I could fall back asleep again. It just, it helped, I don't know," he muttered, resting his head on Theo's chest. "The last few nights I've had the same dream- but it's you who I find dead. Theo, those are the worst dreams I've ever had. Dreaming of her is terrible, but it's just a memory. Seeing you, lying in a puddle of your own blood with your green eyes all dull? Oh god, it's.." he broke off sharply. "I'm not saying this to, like, hurt you, or punish you or something. I'm just- I'm trying to show you how much I care. I don't know. I'm a mess," he said with a broken laugh. "I just- I want you to see that I love you is all. Clearly, I'm not very good at showing it."

         "I'm so sorry, Tanner.. I can't believe I scared you like that. I really didn't think anyone would care that I was gone." Tanner inhaled sharply at his response. "No, no!" Theo cried. "It's not- it's because I was just so lost in my own self hatred that I didn't believe anyone could genuinely care. But now I see how stupid I was. I get it now, okay? It's nothing against you. I get it now," he finished, stroking Tanner's hair.

           "I should've shown you how important you are to me, how much I love you. I should've- I should've made you feel special, accepted. Instead, I was horrible. I don't know what's wrong with me-"

"Tanner, no. Like I said, I'm sick. There is nothing you could've done to stop this. Nothing," he cried, biting his lip. "I'm so sorry," he finished, pressing his face into Tanner's hair.

"It's okay," he mumbled. "I forgive you."