assigned emotion

7: inquiries

tanner

Guilt. Regret.

Everything hurt. He didn't want to, but he so regretted inviting Theo to stay with him. He didn't want anyone to know about her, and Theo was coming dangerously close. Fuck, why did he ask him to stay with him last night? And for fuck's sake, in the same bed! He'd been joking with his recommendation to share a bed in hope of Theo just dropping the argument, but of course he'd obliged. Then they'd both ended up sleeping against a goddamn wall because Tanner couldn't control his stupid emotions. He never could. And fuck, Theo had even stayed by his side despite his fear of him. I scare Theo. He let out a small sigh, in too much pain to hold his overwhelming emotions.

Tanner's entire body ached, and before long he started sobbing. It didn't make him feel better, just a lot worse. He held his arms against himself, his head resting softly against the door. No matter how much he tried, he couldn't hold back the tears that spilt down his cheeks.

And on top of it all, he couldn't stand Theo. He was so fucking pitiful, so Tanner couldn't resist helping him. Then he acted like he'd known Tanner for years, while Tanner himself couldn't even trust anyone.

      "Please, I'm sorry." Theo's voice whispered from the other side of the door.

Fuck. Guilt soared though his body at all previous thinking. How could he hate Theo for being upset when he'd just been orphaned? It wasn't his fault Tanner was such a confused and confusing mess. Another wave of tears pushed against the back of his eyes.

       "Why are you apologizing? You have nothing to be sorry for. I'm not even upset," mumbled Tanner, rubbing away his remaining tears. Obviously that was a lie, anyone could hear the thickness of his voice and his occasional sob.

       "Then open the door." Tanner bit his lip and stared down at his feet, annoyed at Theo's request. Couldn't he tell that Tanner was not in the mood to chat? Despite that, he found himself pushing his body forward so that Theo could open the door. After a second, he scooted in and sat across from Tanner, looking worried.

         "What?" Tanner snapped, looking up at Theo with his head resting on his knees.

         "Tanner, would you please talk to me?" Tanner rolled his eyes, feeling his chest tighten.

         "Talk about what?" Theo sighed, gently putting his hand on Tanner's knee, resulting in him pulling back and Theo's hand dropping to the floor.

         "You woke up crying and fell asleep on my shoulder with a random hoodie in your arms. That's what I wanna talk about." Tanner loosely shrugged.

          "I don't remember that, he said as he looked away, knowing very well that he did.

           "Tanner, Theo said forcefully, staring at him intently. He then made Tanner look at him by grabbing his chin and turning it towards his face.

          "Theo," Tanner lamely replied. He held back his tears, gazing into Theo's eyes with a bored expression.

          "Why won't you just talk to me?" Theo looked hurt, making a wave of guilt pass over Tanner.

        "I... because... fuck. Theo, because my issues don't even compare to yours. You lost your fucking pare..." Tanner's voice cracked, causing him to trail off. He felt more tears press even harder against the back of his eyes, they were almost painful to hold back. "Fuck. I... fuck. Never mind," Tanner said, standing up quickly and turning away from Theo.

            "Tanner. Stop that," Theo insisted, standing as well. "Don't say that. Just talk to me."

          "Never mind, Theo! Let's just leave for school." Tanner grabbed his keys, walking out the door of the apartment and to his car, Theo following close behind.

         "Tanner, you can ignore me for now, but I need to know what's going on at some point."

           "Stop it." Tanner turned away, starting his car and squeezing his eyes shut. "Just stop."

            "Okay," Theo mumbled, sitting next to him and with hurt evident on his face. Of course this caused yet another wave of guilt to flow through Tanner.

Why should I even care? I don't give two shits about this kid.

|||

        "Hey," Tanner said shortly, walking up to Theo and sitting across from him at his lunch table.

        "What?" He replied snappily, his lips tilted down in a frown.

         "I'm sorry, I should be able to trust you like you're trying to trust me, but I don't know how." Theo shrugged in reply, shaking his head.

        "It's fine, you don't even know or like me, after all. You've only been aware that I exist for, like, 2 weeks now." Tanner sighed at Theo's remark, not feeling fulfilled with his retort.

        "I'm sorry," he said again. He looked away from Theo to notice a few of his friends filter into the lunchroom. "Look, uh, my friends are here and..." Theo gestured to the table Tanner usually sat at.

          "Go ahead," he said coldly. Tanner nodded and walked away, not even getting a second glance from Theo. He sat at the table, across from two cheerleaders and a football player. His friend Matt sat next to him, star of the basketball team.

        "Who's the new kid?" A cheerleader, Tanner couldn't remember her name, said as she pointed her thumb at Theo. Tanner was silent, wincing and holding his breath.

        "Don't know. Saw him crying yesterday, though. Hey, Tanner knows him, he shoved him last week!" A few people laughed, some other guys had joined them at the table.

       "He wasn't at school all last week." The sentence came from Violet, Matt's girlfriend. Tanner still held his breath, now feeling a bit angry.

       "What a fucking loser."

       "Hey, lay off the kid, okay? That's just so unnecessary. You don't know what he's going through." Tanner surprised even himself by his words, but they were true. I mean, come on, a loser? For what, exactly?

       "Like you know about all his personal troubles," hissed the other cheerleader, Cherry.

        "He's his student helper thing, guiding him around the school since he's new. Right, Tanner?" Tanner was simply silent, shooting a tired glance at Theo. He noticed how he wasn't eating, just staring emptily at his sandwich.

       "Are you feeing okay, Tanner?" Inquired another one of his friends, Rick, with a wary glance.

        "What?"

            "You're acting really weird," Cherry snorted, taking a bite of her salad. Tanner shook his head. All his 'friends' didn't seem to care about his mental health whatsoever, while Theo, who he didn't even like, was so kind and worried.

         "I'm fine."