assigned emotion

27: morning

tanner

      "Theo?" Tanner snapped awake, glancing around his empty room. Theo was nowhere to be seen. It was seven in the morning and Theo had disappeared. "Theo!" He jumped out of bed and dashed into the living room. Not there either. Panic surged through his body as he slid into the kitchen.

"Jeez, good morning." Theo stood in the kitchen, eating a bowl of cereal with one of Tanner's hoodies on.

"Fuck! You scared me!" Tanner sighed with relief and hugged him close. He rubbed his shoulders gently, relieved to see that he was okay.

"It's okay," Theo blushed, half-smiling up at him. Tanner tightened his grasp around him with a returned half-smile, planting a kiss on the tip of his nose. "I'm really sorry." Tanner glanced down at him, confused.

"What for?" Theo shrugged, running his hand through his fluffy hair.

"I don't know, you shouldn't wake up in the morning worried that I'm dead," he sighed, staring at his feet. "I fucked up. I'm sorry."

"Theo, no, don't say th-"

"No, that's not all. The idea of me killing myself at your home is sick. I should've made sure you wouldn't be there. I'm so sorry you had to see that." Theo continued to stare at his feet, clearly ashamed. Tanner rests his chin against his head, his heart aching.

"It's okay, baby. I'm not upset with you, I'm upset at myself." Theo vigorously shook his head.

"That's exactly what I'm talking about! You keep blaming yourself when my depression has NOTHING to do with you!" Theo pulled away from him to sit on the couch, shaking his head.

"Theo, I just- I can't believe you. It doesn't make sense. I said all that fucked up stuff and then a day later you end up attempting suicide?"

"Tanner, look at me." Theo grabbed his hands to pull him down next to him. "It. Isn't. Your. Fault. I've been depressed for a while- and my parent's death, plus school, and the way I've been treating you-" Tanner interrupted him.

"The way you've been treating me? What?" Theo glanced away.

"I don't know, I just feel like I haven't been a good person recently. Fuck, never mind, I just need you to tell me you know that this isn't your fault."

           "Hey, what are you talking about? You've been the best, ever! Why would you ever think that you've been a 'bad person'?" Theo bit his lip, hiding his face.

          "I don't know, I just don't know." Tanner hugged him again, pulling a blanket over him.

           "Now you're just being dumb. You are not a bad person!" Theo laughed sadly.

           "Are you sure?" Tanner looked at him, wholly bewildered.

          "Of course I am! What are you even talking about?" Theo rolled his eyes, exasperated.

             "I feel like I could be a lot better." Tanner sighed, completely lost.

           "Theo, if you're a bad person, then I'm the worst human being alive. You're an angel." Theo shook his head, now aggravated.

         "You don't know that!" Tanner grabbed Theo's chin, baffled.

          "Theo, what in the fuck are you talking about?" Theo buried his face in Tanner's chest, starting to cry.

            "Tanner, I'm horrible!"

              "What?" Panic began to well up in him. "Theo, I truly have no idea what you're talking about." He hugged him closer, unable to understand what Theo's saying.

         "It's my fault my parents died, it's my fault that you blame yourself for my depression, it's my fault that you had to stop talking to your old friends, I just-" he cut himself off with a sob. "I wish I was never born." He then seemed to break, curling up against Tanner's chest and crying harder than he'd ever seen him do before.

            "Theo..." Tanner held back his own tears. "Baby. Baby, baby," he whispered, pressing kisses all over his face. "Do you really think all that?" Theo nodded, sniffling quietly. "Oh god, that's not true. That is NOT true! How is it your fault that your dad crashed his own car?"

        "He turned around to yell at me! If I had just listened then he wouldn't have had to-"

           "Stop! How is that your fault?" Theo shrugged, pulling the blanket over his shoulders and rubbing his face.

           "It's always my fault." Tanner shook his head angrily.

         "None of it is. I stopped talking to my old friends because of how they treated you. I blame myself for your depression because I wish I could be a better person for you. You need someone to be there for you and I wish I could be that person, but I just feel like I'm not good enough."

             "Tanner, you are that person! You make me so happy. I just wish I didn't exist because you were happier before you met me, and everything was fine before I showed up, and- and- and for that- I'm so, so sorry."

           "Theo, what?" Tanner cried, holding his face in his hands. "That's not true! You're the only person who makes me truly happy. I love you, green eyes." Theo pressed his nose to his- quickly, sadly. "I'm so happy that you exist."

            "You don't mean that." Tanner shook his head.

         "I mean it with my whole self. I just wish I could be a better friend," Tanner mumbled, looking away. He didn't want to be Theo's friend. He wanted to be his, and he'd only recently come to terms with it.

          "You would want to be my friend?" Tanner drily laughed, pain shooting through him.

          "I don't know. Yes? But we're already friends." Theo looked lost, pulling away from him.

            "So... you don't want to be my friends anymore?" He asked, his eyes big, green, filled with pain and anxiety.

           "No! Theo, no, no. That's not what I meant- I just-" he cut himself off, biting his lip. "I don't just want to be your friend," he lamely finished, staring at his feet.

      "Tanner, wh-" Theo began, but Tanner was already up and walking away.

      "Come on, we have to go to school."