assigned emotion

5: welcome home

theo

     "This is your apartment?" Theo asked, standing in the doorway and holding his arms against his chest in an attempt to make himself look as small as possible. For some reason, it felt safe, like no one would notice him.

      "Yeah, and it won't hurt you." He pulled Theo inside, rolling his eyes. The contact caused Theo to flinch, a jolt of nervousness flashing through him. Tanner was a bit intimidating, and much bigger than Theo.

       "Are you... are you really sure you want me staying with you?" Tanner shot him a confused look, turning around.

      "Why would I refuse you in particular just because I don't like you?" Theo felt tears spill down his face.

     "I don't deserve it," he said simply. Tanner turned completely around to survey him, a flash of annoyance briefly crossing his face that slowly melted into pity.

      "You're a mess, buddy. Of course you deserve someone looking after you." His kind words just hurt Theo more, evident by the way he felt himself start to cry harder. "Hey, I'm sorry, did I say something wrong?" Tanner interjected, his troubled words gentle.

      "I don't deserve this, I don't deserve anything, I just... fuck! I don't wanna..." he cried, unable to spit out his words.

      "Talk to me. What's up?"

      "I'm a mess, I just weigh in everyone! All I can do is cry and complain! Everyone would just be better off without me, all I do is hurt the people who I care for," he cried, exploding into more heavy tears. I'm so shitty, making Tanner feel responsible for my care when I'm like this.

        "Theo, no! Don't you fucking say that!" Tanner leapt towards Theo, knocking him against the wall and keeping him pressed there. Though his movements were aggressive, his face only displayed fear and worry.

        "I'm sorry, please let me go," Theo quickly rambled, terror surging through him. Tanner could probably kill him, and he'd already said as much. But after that he also said he couldn't, didn't he? Theo wasn't even sure what was real anymore, his brain was a muddled mess. All it was experiencing now was fear. Tanner grabbed his chin, turning it towards him. Instead of anger, he just looked very nervous. That was not what Theo had expected.

       "Are you scared of me?" Theo nodded slightly, fear racing through his body. "Why?"

        "Because you're much bigger than me and could very easily hurt me!" Tanner laughed coldly, looking angrily amused.

        "I'd never hurt you, but you have to understand that I can't let you think or say that stuff about yourself." Theo nodded again and Tanner slowly released him. "You're not worthless, Theo. I don't have to like you to see that.

        "Okay," Theo whispered as he sat on the floor, pushing himself away from Tanner in fear.

        "You're that afraid of me?" Tanner asked as he squatted on the floor, keeping about a foot away from Theo.

         "I- no- it's just- yeah. Yeah. I'm sorry." Tanner laughed despite the look of guilt that flashed in his eyes.

         "I would never hurt you, I just want you to know that you can't be thinking that stuff. After losing someone, people tend to blame themselves."

         "How would you know that?" Theo mumbled, staring at his hands and then back up at Tanner, who quickly glanced at a hoodie hanging on one of the hooks by the door and then visibly tensed up.

       "Why are you so scared of me, and why do you keep apologizing for it?" Tanner asked, obviously avoiding Theo's question.

        "I don't know," muttered Theo, glancing away and rubbing the back of his neck. The whole conversation felt really awkward.

          "Come on."

         "I... gah.... I don't know. I mean, you're much bigger than me and could hurt me super easily, I'm a twig. I know you say you won't, but I've heard that from the people who've hurt me most- so far. I guess I.. I just don't feel safe anymore, with anyone." Tanner looked pained and guilty, resulting with anger from Theo, at himself. "No, shit, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make you sad."

      "I'm not sad, I just feel guilty for making you feel unsafe. Theo, I would never, EVER hurt you, ever. I physically could, maybe, but I would hate myself for it." Theo bit his lip and felt tears pour down his face. "What's wrong?"

      "I just feel so shitty, all the time, for no reason. You're being so nice to me and we aren't even friends, you don't even like me! I'm just thinking of how happy my mom would be to see me talking to you... I.." Theo broke off, unable to finish his sentence through the sobs that shook out of him. Tanner suddenly hugged him close, unexpectedly.

        "I don't have to like you to be there for you. I wish you were happier, Theo."

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        "Is that really all you have?" Tanner asked and gestured to Theo's backpack in amazement. They'd stopped by his aunt's on the way to Tanner's and he had grabbed it.

         "I guess. My aunt wouldn't let me keep more than what I could fit in here." Tanner shook his head.

       "Okay. Well, I'll take the couch. Here's a shirt you can borrow for sleeping." Tanner tossed him the shirt, but Theo's marvelous reflexes didn't catch it, so it just hit his chest and fell to the floor as he winces. Then, he registered Tanner's words.

       "You wanna take the couch?" He asked in surprise. Tanner laughed, nodding with confusion.

        "Well, where else would I sleep?" Theo shook his head, picking up the shirt.

        "In your bed! I can take a couch or the floor or something!" Theo stared down at the shirt in his hands, which faintly had a picture of a football on it. "Also, you're letting me borrow clothing? Why are you being so helpful?"

         "Theo, you aren't sleeping on the floor like a dog. You can borrow any of my clothes, I know that you couldn't have fit much in there." Tanner gestured to Theo's backpack again as he spoke. "It's getting late and you've had a long day, so you're going to sleep."

         "Aren't you?" Theo pulled Tanner's shirt over his head, it was ridiculously huge on him.

         "No, it's hard for me to fall asleep." Tanner laughed slightly. "That shirt's a little big."

         "A little." Theo smiles slightly, for the first time in a while. "You're sleeping in your bed. I'm a guest, I'm not going to steal your space from you."

     "You're sleeping in the bed. You're a guest, you don't get a couch or the floor. Jesus, you actually offered to sleep on the floor," Tanner sighed, laughing slightly. "You're sleeping in the bed."

       "No, I am not." Tanner threw his hands up and rolled his eyes in response.

      "Y'know what? We both are. How about that?" Theo blushed furiously, overwhelmed. "Now, you're going to bed. Sleep."

      "Fine. Whatever." Theo sat on Tanner's bed awkwardly, who sighed and gently pushed him over, pulling the blanket over his shoulders.

       "What, I have to tuck you in like you're a child?" He knelt next to Theo, his words gentle and slow.

        "I'm sorry," whispered Theo. "For being a burden."

         "Don't say that. You're not a burden, Theo." He gently squeezes Theo's shoulder, looking awkward.

        "I just feel like that sometimes."