assigned emotion

13: heart to heart

tanner

A few beats of silence fell over the two boys, leaving them to only stare at each other in awkward discomfort.

"Huh?" Theo still sat next to Tanner, brushing some of his dirty blonde hair out of his face.

         "I just don't think I'd do everything in trying to do for you for someone else." Tanner rested his face on his knees, still maintaining eye contact with Theo. It was too late to back down now.

          "I don't believe that," Theo said dismissively, flapping his hand at Tanner.

          "You don't have to believe it, but it's true," he said slowly, staring into Theo's eyes. They reminded him of fen, brimming with life. They were just so nice.

           "Are you being serious?" Theo asked  steadily.

           "Yeah." Tanner said softly, holding his eyes and refusing to look away.

           "Why?" Theo pushed, his eyebrows knitting together.

           "Why? Because you're you, Theo. You're so kind, and gentle, and innocent, and- and- fuck, I don't know- you're just you. I want to take care of you, okay? You need help, I want to provide it." Theo leaned his head on his hand, his eyes slightly teary.

           "Are you doing this out of guilt?" Tanner sighed, genuinely saddened by Theo's obvious self hatred.

          "No, Theo. Absolutely not. I'm doing this because I want to." He wasn't sure how to drill his words into Theo's mind, if it was even possible, but he resolved to try as hard as he could. He wanted him to feel accepted and wanted around Tanner, not the opposite.

         "I don't- I don't want you to feel like you have to do this," he started, tears welling up in his eyes. He fought hard to keep them back but ducked his head as a few spilled over, which he quickly rubbed away with the bases of his palms.

         "Theo," Tanner started, trying to get his attention. "Theo," he repeated, more forcefully this time, but to no avail. Theo simply shook his head and continued rubbing his eyes. "Theo," he said once more, far more gently this time. "Why won't you let me help you?" With that, Theo bursted into a sob, pressing his palms over his face now and shaking with the force of his tears.

            "I'm sorry, Tanner," he blubbered, still shaking his head. "I'm sorry. You're trying, but I'm just such a mess, and you don't-" Tanner cut him off by getting up out of his seat, grabbing Theo's arms, and pulling him into his grasp. He gently stroked the back of his head, pressing his face into the crook of his neck.

          "It's okay, Theo. It's okay. I don't mind. I'm still here," he cooed, rubbing his hair as Theo cried into his shoulder. "I'm still here."

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After Theo had stopped crying, Tanner had driven him down to his second favorite spot in the state. It was more of a trip there, about an hour away from his aunt's house, but well work it.

           "How do you know New Hampshire so well?" Theo asked, sitting on a big rock overlooking the crystal clear lake Tanner had brought him to. He had rolled his jeans up to his knees so he could dip his feet in the water, swinging them around slowly.

            "I'm around here a lot." Tanner stared out over the water, comfortable in the silence between them. Despite his inability to tell Theo about his past and all his jumbled up emotions, he was trying to show him who he was in smaller ways. This lake was one of his favorite places in the world, and bringing Theo to it felt right. He just hoped that he'd somehow gotten the message that this was Tanner's best attempt at vulnerability.

          "I see," Theo answered after a bit. He looked up to face Tanner, his huge glasses slipping down his nose. A light wind passed over the lake, Tanner was glad he'd already given Theo his hoodie or else he'd be cold.

         "You okay?" Tanner softly inquired, smiling gently at the boy by his side.

        "For now," he whispered, and that was a good enough answer for Tanner.

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"Last night here," whispered Theo, rolling over in his bed to face Tanner. For some reason, Tanner had gotten used to sleeping with Theo next to him and felt strange when away from him.

"I'm gonna miss it." Theo smile: sadly, nodding.

"Could we... come back here someday?" Tanner laughed.

"Of course! That goes without saying." Theo smiles, light dimples popping up on his cheeks.

"Thank you, Tanner. For everything. I mean that," Theo whispered, smiling gently at him. He nodded and smiled back, comfortable in the quiet that enveloped them. "Hey, Tanner?"

         "Yeah?"

        "If... if I ever suddenly get really down for a bit, please know it's not your be your fault." Tanner turned to face him up, confused.

"What do you mean?" Theo flopped onto his back and ran his hands through his hair, clearly anxious.

"I... fuck. Forget I said anything. Actually, don't- just- fuck." Tanner crossed the room, sitting on the edge of Theo's bed.

"Theo, can you please explain what you're talking about? You're scaring me." Theo sighed.

"I have depression. Clearly. Sometimes it's not that bad, but it always comes back at some point. It comes in these weird waves, and I've been pretty okay for a while, considering, so I bet it'll come back soon enough. I just need you to understand that when it does it won't be your fault, at all. You're making me feel so much better, what with everything you've provided and the stress you've taken off my back. I just wanted you to know that." Tanner places his hand on Theo's knee, pain shooting through his body.

"I... Theo..," he whispered, staring into his green eyes. They began to mist over with tears, making Tanner even more sad.

"Tanner, I'm sorry. I don't mean to scare you, I just want you to know how much you're doing for me." Tanner wrapped his arms hesitantly around Theo, feeling himself shake slightly. He hadn't realized how much Theo meant to him until this sudden new danger.

"It's okay." Theo, I'm only scared because of how much you mean to ME. I can't lose anybody like this... not again. "Theo, you would never hurt yourself, right?" Theo froze, nervously staring up at Tanner. "Theo?"