assigned emotion

12: new hampshire

tanner

The morning came unbearably slowly, the night full of guilt and discomfort for Tanner. His nightmares never failed to haunt him, no matter where he was or what he did. It was always the same dream, but it hurt every time. This time was the worst, though. Theo had been there to comfort Tanner, holding him. Tanner was the one who should've been holding Theo, not the other way around. He felt like a total idiot. Plus, he couldn't believe he'd made Theo feel like he had to console him like that. I'm so dumb.

       "I'm sorry," Tanner mumbled, looking up at Theo. They currently sat at the table in an incredibly awkward silence. Tanner had been sitting there for nearly an hour, but Theo had only joined him about ten minutes ago, after he'd woken up.

        "For what?" Theo laughed, cocking his head to the side.

        "You know, making you comfort me after I had a nightmare." Tanner spoke to Theo but didn't look at him, too embarrassed to meet his eyes. He could feel Theo stare at the back of his head perfectly fine, though.

         "I did that because I wanted to, Tanner, and I'd do it again. You had a nightmare. You needed help. Simple as that," Theo said after a long pause. His voice sounded quiet, almost nervous.

        "I don't need help," Tanner mumbled, wringing his hands together. "But thanks. You don't have to do that anymore, though."

        "Do you not want me to? Were you uncomfortable?"

         "No, it's not that, I wasn't, but-"

         "Then it's as simple as that. If you weren't uncomfortable and didn't dislike it, what's wrong with it? Of course I won't if you don't want me to, but it just really felt like you needed a hug." Tanner was silent, unsure how to respond.

        "I get that, but... it just doesn't feel right. It's like I'm supposing to be holding you, y'know?"

      "Well, nothing's stopping you," Theo joked, laughing silently. After a second he continued. "Remember when I first came back to school and you didn't stop following or talking to me until I told you what was wrong?" Tanner nodded. "Well, after I did, you held me, remember? You don't like me, so I'm sure you didn't exactly want to give me a hug, but you did anyway because I needed one. Just think of it like that, except I don't dislike you."

       "You don't?" Tanner blurted before thinking, looking up at Theo. He blushed slightly after saying it, registering the hopefulness in his voice.

      "Of course I don't. You really think I would follow you to New Hampshire if I didn't like you?"

      "You really think I would bring you here if I didn't like you?" Tanner softly said, looking at Theo with sad eyes.

       "What?"

      "I don't dislike you, Theo. I changed my mind." Theo's eyes widened as he quickly averted his gaze from Tanner.

     "Oh. Okay," he whispered, chewing on his lip and nodding quickly.

      "Okay," Tanner repeated, staring back down at his lap.

Why does this have to be so weird?

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         "It's absolutely beautiful here." Theo said while he and Tanner sat on the back porch that overlooked the small crystal lake behind the house. Huge mountains surrounded it, bringing a chilling wind, but he seemed warm enough beneath his hoodie.

          "It really is." The calmness of the home was Tanner's favorite thing about it, it was as though he could finally think when he was there.