assigned emotion

21: roof deck

tanner

       "Theo!" Tanner threw open the door to the roof deck, fear and adrenaline racing through his veins. It had started to rain.

          "Tanner?" Theo's voice was small, broken. He stood precariously on the edge of the building, staring down at the street stories below.

           "Theo! Theo, please come down from there." Everything was in hyper speed, yet slow motion. It was all going too fast, yet torturously slow.

          "Why.. how are you here?" Tanner had never really noticed how sunken in his beautiful eyes were. Dark circles surrounded them, like he hadn't slept in weeks.

        "Because I knew you were going to do something stupid like this!" Tanner had to yell over the sound of the heavy rain as he walked closer to Theo.

           "Please, just leave. I have to do this." Tears mingled with rain on both of their faces.

         "No. Theo, I can't lose you the way I lost her. Fuck, do you remember the night that I grabbed that sweatshirt? I remember it, I lied and said that I didn't because I didn't want to tell you." Tanner caught himself rambling, trying his best to distract Theo for long enough to get him down. It seemed to work as Theo turned to him, pain displayed across his pale face.

         "Tell me what?" Tanner squeezed his eyes shut, terrible memories flooding over him.

          "That hoodie was my sisters. She.. she killed herself. She slit open her wrists on the bathroom floor," he said matter-of-factly. "The worst detail about it all is that she had tried to do it in her room and then walked to the bathroom to die. I don't- I don't know why she did that, but I'll never get the chance to ask her. See, I might've been able to if I'd have been there for her. Theo, I found her body. She was so..." he cut himself off with a sob, memories washing over him. "It's so hard to describe. Emotionless. Still. Cold. Her eyes, they were so plain and her skin... it was like it wasn't hers. And the blood, oh god, there was so much. It just kept on going. There were bloody hand prints everywhere, on the door, the walls, everywhere. Oh, it got in her hair, Theo, I.." Tanner couldn't finish his story through the sobs that escaped his lips. The whole time he'd been speaking he had been slowly approaching Theo, getting closer and closer. He covered his eyes, his heart sinking to his feet. "I can't lose you the way I lost her. I didn't have a chance to save her, but I have a chance with you."

          "You talk a lot for a guy who doesn't even like me." Tears poured down Theo's face, plaguing his speech. He looked over the edge once more, his eyes empty and emotionless.

          "Theo, how dumb can you be? You truly believe that I don't like you? Theo..." he walked even closer and grabbed his hands, rain more adding onto his tears. "Remember New Hampshire? I remember every second. I remember the way that the lights on the highway reflected in your glasses, making your eyes glow. I remember the way you got cold and blushed when I gave you my sweatshirt. I remember the way you fell asleep on the drive home because you were just so exhausted. I remember how adorable you were when I took you to the fields. Theo, I remember everything about you." Theo pulled his hands out of his grasp, confused.

      "Tanner, stop. I have to do this, and you're making it more difficult." Tanner reached for him once more, overwhelmed.

       "That's the whole point! I can't lose you, especially not like this! Theo, I don't like you. You wanna know why? Because I love you. I love everything about you. I love the way you laugh at little things, the way your glasses are way too big and how you never wear them, I love how you only ever wear big hoodies and the way you look when you wear mine, Theo Benson, I love you." Theo turned to him, shocked. In the moment, Tanner grabbed his hands and pulled him down off the ledge, knocking them both onto the floor of the roof deck in doing so. He clung to him, crying through his strained breathing. He held Theo closer than he ever had before, sitting up and wrapping his entire body around him so there was no way he could get away. He breathed in the smell of his hair, mingling with the rain.

        "You don't mean that, you only said it so I wouldn't do what I really should've done." Theo's face held no emotion other than pure despair. He glanced back over to the ledge, trying desperately to get away from Tanner.

       "No! Theo, stop!" He cried as Theo struggled in his grasp, pushing and pulling away from him. He grabbed his chin, turning him to meet his eyes as he pushed his wet hair out of his face. Tears streamed down his cheeks uncontrollably.

     "Just let me die."