Starting Over

Brave

Clary

"Just let me say what I need to say, let me say everything, and when I'm done, you can do whatever you wish," Jace comments nervously.

"Okay," I decide.

"You can't interrupt or I'll lose my nerve," Jace says. Why would he lose his nerve? What is he going to say?

"I won't," I assure him.

"When we first met, you asked me why I was helping. I told you I couldn't let a pregnant woman sleep in the cold. I knew then there was another reason, I just.....I didn't know why. Now I know, I care about you." Why would he be nervous to tell me that?

There's a few moments of silence. Jace fidgets on the bed. Wow, he's really nervous! "As we've been talking and watching movies and having fun and going shopping and spending Christmas with family together, my feelings have been becoming more tangible. You and Guppie are my world." Is this a good thing or bad thing to him? I know I was a lot to deal with, but is he saying we're too much work? That I'm not worth it? "I know it's only been 4 months, and I know you probably don't feel the same." Feel the same? Does he....have feelings for me? No, he can't. He's in love with some other girl.....

Jace won't meet my eyes. "I know you just wanted a place to stay and now I'm being an asshole, but you'll always have a safe place in my home, regardless of my feelings. I tried to fight them, my feelings." Why would he fight them? Is he really disgusted with me? He didn't want me to know, but now he's admitting it?

My fingers are shaking. Why is he being so vague! Don't beat around the bush, just tell me.... "I tried to remember that when you get back on your feet, you'll leave. You'll find better, you'll break out of your cocoon and fly away a butterfly." Is this his nice way of telling me he wants me to leave? Because I've already left.

"But I kept letting myself have hope. I read baby books because I wanted to be well-informed when Guppie was born. I dreamed of teaching Guppie how to walk and talk and ride a bike beside you." He doesn't want me, but he still wants to take care of Guppie with me.....

"Whenever I woke up with you in my arms, it felt right, like that was how it should be; you and me together. I realized that I don't care about you the way I care about a friend, and that's what you heard me talking with my mom about. You're her Clary. You're the woman I'm in love with. You're the woman I want to spend my life with. You and Guppie and any other additions that come along in our journey." Jace loves me? Jace loves me! I can't believe it. How could he love me?

"I'm sorry," Jace whispers. "I'm sorry I'm not enough. I'm sorry I laid that on you. I'm sorry for being so weak," Jace whispers, sitting on the bed dejectedly. Isn't enough? Being so weak? What is he talking about?

"Jace, do you really love me?" I ask nervously. The only other person who's ever said that was Sebastian, and h....he. But he's not Jace. Jace won't hurt me. But Sebastian was nice for the first two years!

"I love you with everything that I am," Jace assures me. "But you don't have to. I know you couldn't." Why doesn't he think I could love him back? "I just, I know it's low. You don't have to do anything. You can still stay with my mom or here or whatever. I'll still love you, but you don't have to acknowledge it." Why would he suffer like that for me? "We'll just pretend like it never happened." Maybe he really does love me...

"What if I don't want to pretend?" I ask boldly.

"Then," Jace breathes, "I'll leave you alone." Tears silently stream down Jace's face.

"What if I love you too?" I ask cheekily.

Jace chuckles darkly, "you don't have to flatter me. We both know you don't." Why is he so sure?

"And why couldn't I?" I ask defensively.

"Because I," Jace falters, "because I'm not enough. You deserve more. Because your last relationship was terrible and you aren't ready for a new one and I'm being pushy and pressing you even though I never wanted to. I'm making you feel uncomfortable. Gosh, you probably just want to leave. I'm no better than him." Tears are lining his eyes as he spits out his words.

"No!" I pull him into my arms. "You are nothing like him," I reply. He pulls away from me. 

"I'm sick. I fell in love with someone who only ever wanted a safe place to stay," Jace explains.

"Well I feel in love with someone who let me into their home and showed me a kindness I'd never known," I confess. Jace turns his head towards me.

"Y...you love me?" Jace asks like a little child asking his mother after she leaves him.

"Yes, I love you. I want all of those things too Jace. I just," I hesitate.

Jace sighs, "You don't have to say those things Clary. I've dreamed of hearing you say those words, but not because you feel obligated or feel bad for me."

"I don't feel bad for you! I'm trying to tell you how I feel, but you won't let me speak! You got your chance, now let me have mine!" I reply.

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I do not own any of the Mortal Instruments books, materials, etc. All credit belongs to Cassandra Clare.

Author's Note:
I hope you all like it! Please leave comments, votes, and feedback. I'm going to update, when I do and it'll be random.

Originally posted: 9/23/19