Starting Over

Talking it Out

Clary

"Clary," Jace says.

I turn to him and suddenly there's white stuff on my face. Flour! He didn't!

I blink a few times to clear my eyes. "Jonathan Christopher, I know you didn't just get flour on me intentionally," I comment.

"And what if I did?" Jace asks cheekily.

"Then," I smile, "this." I grab a handful of flour and throw it at Jace's face and hair.

"You're on," Jace chuckles as my eyes go wide. What have I done?

I run out of the kitchen to the living room. Footsteps approach and I go to the bathroom. Just as I'm about to lock the door, Jace reaches the door and turns the nob, stopping me from locking it.

What should I do? Wait, what if I push him with a running start? I let go of the door and go towards the back a bit. Then, when he opens the door, I push him. Suddenly, I'm falling to the ground. My hands go to my stomach, trying to protect Bean.

"Umph," I hear a noise. I open my eyes, and I realize Jace broke my fall. My face is mere inches above his, our bodies pressed together.

I instinctually lower my head, our lips brushing together. I'm sitting up. Wait what? I see Jace's hands on my waist. He sat us up? I....I thought we were going to have our first kiss. Maybe he doesn't want to kiss me? He loves me, but I'm disgusting. He knows what I've had to do. Maybe it's too soon? Maybe-

"I'm so sorry Clary. I didn't mean to make us fall. Is Guppie okay? Are you okay? Jeeze, I'm so stupid. Please be okay. I'm sorry," Jace babbles.

I nod and get off of him. "Guppie and I are fine. It's okay you didn't mean to. We're okay," I calm Jace.

"I'm sorry-" Jace begins.

"It's okay. We're okay Jace," I interrupt. "How about we get back to making dinner?"

"Yeah, okay," Jace responds.

"I have to go pee first," I whisper quietly.

"Pregnant women," Jace teases.

I go to the bathroom, locking the door behind me. Sebastian only wanted me for my body and what I could do for him. Now, Jace doesn't even want me. I'm disgusting, he's disgusted.

Tears fall down my face silently. I love him, so if I...I'm not what he wants, then I should respect that. Yeah, he should be comfortable and happy. So, we'll just be companions, no kissing or touching or anything. Yeah, that is for the best.

I clean up my face and after a few minutes, I meet Jace in the kitchen.

We eat dinner, making casual conversation. After the dishes are done, we're standing in the kitchen. "Are you up for a movie?" Jace asks me.

"Sure," I comment.

"Great, I'll get some drinks and you pick the movie?" Jace questions.

I nod and head to the living room. I grab a random movie and load it into the DVD player. Then, I sit at the far right end of the couch. Jace comes back a minute later with water and apple juice.

He looks at me for a second. Then, he sets the drinks on the table. He sits on the far left end of the couch. I guess he really doesn't want to be near me.....

The movies draws on but I can't focus. My hands are holding my stomach, and I'm trying not to cry.

"Clary, are you hurting?" Jace asks gently. Ugh, sometimes he's too attentive! I'm not going to make him feel obligated to comfort me, to touch me....

"No, I'm okay," I force a smile.

"Clary, something's up," Jace counters.

"No, I'm okay," I try to be more convincing.

"Clary, please talk to me," Jace whispers hoarsely.

"It's nothing," I try.

Jace pauses the movie and moves closer to me. "Talk to me, please," Jace pleas.

He grabs my hands, but I pull back. "Does this have something to do with earlier? First, you sat as far was from me as you could. Then, the movie is a horror movie which you don't usually watch. Third, you haven't touched your apple juice. Fourth, you don't want me to touch your hands," Jace summarizes. "So, talk to me please."

"It does have something to do with earlier," I sigh. "I...I know it's stupid, but I...I thought when you said you love me, that you were attracted to me. I get it. Y...you know what I've had to do. I'm fat and swollen and emotional all the time. I thought we were going to have our first kiss, but you don't want that, and I'm respecting you. I'm not going to make you uncomfortable or disgusted or-" I pause. I....I can't do this. Jace doesn't say anything.

"Just give me time, and I'll get used to it," I manage.

Jace sighs heavily. "Clary, when I said I loved you, I meant every part of you. Everything about you that makes you who you are. I'm not uncomfortable nor disgusted. I hold myself back because the feelings I'm feeling, you aren't ready for," Jace explains.

"I'm a big girl, I can take it," I reply.

Jace shakes his head. "I...I want to kiss you and hold you all the time and help you down the stairs and brush your hair when you're too tired and cuddle with you when we watch movies and chase you through the house when we play. I want all of that. My feelings are strong and I don't want to overwhelm you. I don't want to pressure you, so I hold myself back to a lower intensity."

"You don't have to hold yourself back," I begin. "I've been going to meetings with Alec. We talk about communication. Communication is important. If I don't feel comfortable, I'll tell you. If I'm not ready for something, I'll tell you. But I have to know where you are on this stuff. None of the things you want us to do are out of reach."

How do I say this? "I want to cuddle and play with you too. You want to help me down the stairs, and to be honest, I need help sometimes. Sometimes, I don't feel like brushing my hair and if that's really something you want to do, then I'm all for it," I try to explain.

Kissing..... "I think I'm ready to kiss too," I whisper.

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Author's Note: Should Clary move back in with Jace or do you prefer the relationship boundaries I've established?

I do not own any of the Mortal Instruments books, materials, etc. All credit belongs to Cassandra Clare.

Author's Note:
I hope you all like it! Please leave comments, votes, and feedback. I'm going to update, when I do and it'll be random.

Originally posted:10/19/19