Unimaginable || Luke Brooks *under editing*

• Chapter 29 •

"I don't want to see anyone. I lie in the bedroom with the curtains drawn and nothingness washing over me like a sluggish wave. Whatever is happening to me is my own fault. I have done something wrong, something so huge I can't even see it, something that's drowning me. I am inadequate and stupid, without worth. I might as well be dead."
• • • • •
I fiddled with my fingers while staring on the ground. I stayed like this for hours. I didn't dare to speak up. My mind was all blank. My throat was all dry and it felt like someone was straddling me. My hands felt cold, my breath hitched every time Luke would shuffle and attempt to say something. But he was all quiet.
Nurses and doctors were walking in front of me and discussed about something. Luke and me waited until they would say something about Jai and give us some advice.
I wanted to disappear. I wanted to open my eyes and realize that this all was just a dream. That Luke would gently calm me down and melt me with his soft voice. But my eyes were already open. It wasn't a dream and Luke would maybe never be able to look at me again like before.
Love was meant to bond two people together. Love is very precious and it's a shame that people take it for granted. And I did that. I didn't believed the fact that Luke was getting better and had my eyes focused on Jai. I've ruined everything. I was naive, yes I admit. But so is everyone when they are hopelessly in love and lost.
To ever get Luke to look at me again, I should open my heart and tell him what I feel.
How sorry I am. But it won't go easily.
"I want you to know" I whispered,
"That I love you since the day we've met"
I still looked down. I didn't wanted to face Luke. I didn't even think that he would hear it.
I looked up and noticed that he was rocking back and forth, slightly biting his thumb nail.
I turned to him and inhaled deeply,
"I was scared that you were dying. I was scared that you wouldn't be here when I needed you, but you were - I just couldn't touch you"
It seemed that he had blocked everything out in his sight and only focused on himself. I needed to bring him back to real life again. My hand was shaking as I closely brought it to his shoulder. I felt him tending up.
His head turned, his eyes squeezed and his lip trembled.
"I have not broken your heart - you have broken it; and in breaking it, you have broken mine. I have no one. Everyone is dead. And the person I trusted the most, I loved the most, is for me already dead"
The words stung a lot but I knew he had to say that. I was expecting it. I was prepared. He didn't love me anymore. He was right, I was dead to him. Maybe I soon will be. "You put me through hell. On purpose. Made me suffer. And there's no end in sight. I don't know what the fuck you're doing, Mila, but this is hurting me."
"How do you think I feel, Luke?!" I shouted, "I'm fucking mad at myself for doing this to you! I hope we can talk about it, calmly as possible cause I feel so ashamed of what I did! I didn't wanted to hurt you, I really didn't and it wasn't on purpose! You're the one I loved the most and I still love you!" People were giving me looks and glares but I didn't care. It was just Luke and me. Luke said nothing and went quiet for a couple minutes so I was able to speak again. "And you must wonder why I did this to you, and trust me: I wonder it too. Jai was just.. My heart had been touched by him, battered by him, cradled by him as the days passed. He was cruel without meaning to be yet he was kind, and I needed him too much to let myself want him. But I did not, I repeat, I did not love him. We didn't do anything. I loved you. I still love you. We did something. Do you remember? Please remember it Luke. Please remember all the memories we've had, all the days we've shared, just by laying in bed with each other." My heart was racing on top speed. I was shaking more than ever. "My heart no longer felt as if it belonged to me. It now felt as it had been stolen, torn from my chest by someone who wanted no part of it" Luke said and stood up, pulling on his coat. "Mr. Brooks, please follow us" The doctor came walking up to us but Luke ignored her. He whipped his eye and walked away from us. He simply left.
"Uhm, I'm sorry" I said to the lady who was frowning. "Okay. Anyways, it was about the incident what happened earlier this day. I know you must be tired, but can you sign this for me? It's an paper about that Luke will go three times a week in therapy and will be looked after" She handed me the paper and my eyes scanned it. "No" I said surely. "He will not, he fucking hate all those nonsense. He doesn't need any help, he needs to be loved!" I slightly shouted and pushed the paper in the lady's arms. The lady looked shocked and I left.
When walking outside, my vision started to become blurry. I had to accept so many painful things and I didn't knew how I could handle everything. I started walking to my appartment. It's been a long time since I've been here.
I was shaking so hard, I could barely get the door unlocked. I just got the door shut behind me when I sank to my knees and fell apart. I cried so hard I was nearly convulsing. I had never felt such raw emotions in my life. I felt like someone had ripped my heart out of my chest and tore it to pieces. I curled into a ball on the floor and tried desperately to disappear. But no matter how small I got, I was still here. I still existed. And for a short while, I thought I had mattered to someone. I guess I was wrong. I mattered to no one. No one loved me and everything I did was making unacceptable mistakes. I didn't deserve this life.
Other people died because of me. Maybe if I died, they would start living. Was it too late? Maybe. Will it help? No, absolutely not. But at that point, I felt so lost and confused. I just simply didn't knew what to do anymore.
I slowly got up and walked over to my bathroom, looking through my drawers with pills and toothbrushes. I couldn't find anything what would succeed and got up. I looked at myself in the mirror. Suddenly, I grabbed my hairbrush and threw it as hard as I could at the mirror. It broke into many pieces and I covered my face with my arms.
Tears were streaming and I looked at a big piece broken glass. I picked it up and turned it around.
"For Luke, who will be much happier without me"
I placed the cold glass on my left wrist and lightly pushed it. I bit my lip and closed my eyes. After a while, it all started to fade. No more pain, no more unwanted thoughts and no sound. Just darkness. I welcomed it. I was done.
After all those times I've helped people and told them to stay strong, no one was left over for me. I needed to solve all those stupid things. I made a mess. I was a mess, so is my life. "I'll push it down... Down into the deepest part of my heart, so no one will see it. If I crush it, maybe it'll eventually go away. That's what I hope for every day. But what can I do? I don't really want to lose this feeling at all." I quietly talked to myself but I couldn't go further. I couldn't push it down, I couldn't die.
Something inside me told me to stop, convinced me to stop. Someone didn't wanted me to do this. I hitched my breath and I felt two cold hands on the crook of my neck. I stood up.
I looked at Luke who was standing in front of me.
He was dressed all white. His white wings were attached to his back and he seemed totally fine and good. His eyes looked innocent, his lips were plump and he had a glossy skin color. "Don't do this" he whispered, his voice sounded like angels who were singing. "Don't do this. You are much stronger than you think you are. Things may seem wrong now, but it will get better. I will never forget you. You are loved. By me. Mostly me."
I slowly stretched my arm and wanted to touch him, but it went through him.
I shook my head and he was gone. I imagined it and I sighed. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry!" I began shouting,
"IM SORRY!" I broke down crying once again and wished nothing but him here again.

I started to believe that I was a terrible person. All I wanted was him. But he was smart enough not to forgive me.

I walked over to my room and jumped on my bed. I grabbed my little notebook that I once got from my grandma. She said,

"If you ever feel the way you feel now, write it down"

I wrote. I wrote all the things I couldn't say to him. I wrote about how much I believed in us. I wrote about how much I trusted God. I wrote that I was praying for him. I wrote down all the jokes I could remember, which weren't many. I wrote how much I loved him. I wrote what happened, what I did and what he did. How he was, our first time, our first kiss and our met. I had to smile at all the memories but it soon faded as I realize it won't happen again.