The Bored Book

Tangled Decisions

"Go Home. I don't have a choice, But you do."

When the words left her mouth, he felt his heart stop. The hospital loud presence slowed down to a timeless pause and the world itself seemed to hold its breath. He felt this all and, at the same time, he felt nothing. He the shadow across the wall watching his life from the perspective of a numb hollow thing. He feared if he allowed himself presence of mind the sinful words that ripped from her and torn her adoration so violently away from him could deteriorate him even further than anything had before.

Thus he remains still. Cold and Ghostly. A new emotion takes an ugly form within. Rage.
How dare she describe this as a Choice!?
He felt red hotness drip into his veins and push him forward.

"You don't have a choice, Beth?"

It was as if a foreign being had taken ahold of his very person. He liked it. He liked not being the one who was hurting. He craved the separation and used it for all he could. This was his escape.

Beth wasn't fazed by him, It was her attractive quality to him. She wouldn't have moist eyes after he yelled, or pushed her aside, she wouldn't cry if he told her he didn't need her. She would sit down and endure it. That was her fortitude.

"No," She spoke softly, whispering like a wilted rose. "I don't. I haven't had a choice since I met you. I'm like a bird seeking rescue I return to your cage, over and over again, the same flame that burns through me every day and I, for the sick twisted thing I am, I enjoy it! Even seek it. I want your harm because it makes your pleasure mean so much more. How broken am I to think I deserve you!"

It was Rick turn to be the stone. He watched her break and, eventually started to feel it. He had taken her and claimed her as his and this was the product of the poison he had feed her for years.

If we truly take the love we think we deserve, how had I been so arrogant to think I could claim hers?

Beth had taken to sobbing and her greatest quality had diminished. She wasn't enduring any longer. She was crying and wounded, suffered and ruined. Beyond that pain seemed to be the firm embrace of courage. Rick had never seen her so powerful.

"Please, " She was shaking. But he realized it wasn't with despair. It was with rage, his rage. It had infected her through the many wounds he had inflicted upon her with it. " I don't have a choice. You do."

She wanted him removed from her. As if he were a cancerous tumor needing to be thwarted in its course of her destruction.

He was the shadow on the wall.
He didn't feel this.
He couldn't be ruined by her.

"I love you."

Inconsequential. That didn't matter. Why was his mouth even speaking? Had it learnt nothing? When had those words ever stopped anyone from leaving him. His own mother returned them with a cold look and a foot out the door. It didn't make any sense. His tongue had always been sharp with her but now, it pleaded its adoration and affection?

Beth had gone quiet. Pale and still. A corpse simply breathing for the sake of habit. Slowly, she lifted her downcast head and gazed through his very soul. The same soul he tried so tirelessly rid himself off. He feared she saw it all. The cracks and pieces, how they broke. The hollow heart shaped pit where something important used to beat. The places too dark to see and too disgusting for him to allow to flourish. Worst of all, he was afraid if she stared long enough, she would see herself where his loneliness used to live and thrived.

"Sometimes, " She paused, taking consideration on how to break his heart he supposed. "Love isn't important."

He wasn't the shadow anymore. He wasn't on the wall far, far away. He was there. He was him and he was weak and lone. The scared child sliding down a wall wet with his mother blood as he watch his father enter his brother room with a gun and a cigarette. In this moment he thought maybe his father had been right ever all. Maybe it was best to murder whatever love you could find before it could murder itself. Leaving you in pieces that didn't quite fit into any puzzle without it.

He flicked his lighter and burnt the end of a rude addiction. Smoking in the hospital wasn't allowed but he knew the staff would be too paralyzed with terror to call him out on it. He was the big bad monster at the end of the hall after all, what did it matter if lung cancer killed him before a bullet did anyway.

He looked down at the burning end of his cancer stick. He shut his eyes pictured it's death, matching it with his own. He savoring the thought with rotting mess that was his brain.

Beth suddenly wrapped her arms around him. He flinched in her hold. It was unsafe and insecure. Could be taken away within moments.
He loved every second he could smell her hair and feel her warm body press against his.

"Don't go. Not in that way." She whispered in his ear.

She saw him!
Again He had allowed himself to be seen by her. How inconceivable.

He lifted her face to his and kiss her that sweet kiss. Full of empty promises and rough affection. He touched her wrists where she had cut and sliced and felt their pain.

Deep breath.

In and out.

He let her go and exhaled whatever hope strung along inside him. He wasn't a numb shadow anymore. He was a broken man walking out the door.

            •°•°E N D•°•°

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AN: I'm  so sorry, I have no idea why I can't  use dedication. I tried and it didn't work, hopefully you guys enjoy it anyway. Thanks for reading 📖