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3 - Still Dont Know My Name

I'm left confused and terrified after spending time with Jasper and Skylar yesterday. I feared Carter not allowing me to see my kids or them hating me for everything. I asked jasper yesterday a lot to help me but at the end of the day he was right it's up to me to make that decision.

I was so deep in my own thoughts that I forgot I was meeting Peyton until she's sitting next to me in the bench at the park.

She smiles at me "hey Bryson"

I try my best to smile but I fail "hey"

She frowns "what's wrong"

"A lot"

"You don't have to tell me I was just wondering" she says

I sigh "I'm afraid if I tell you that you'll think different of me" I say

"Is it that bad?"

"I'm afraid it is"

She looks deeply into my eyes and sighs "you can tell me"

I'm about to tell her when we both hear a girl yelling Peyton's name. We both turn and stand at the same time as the girl runs to us.

"Sky What's wrong?" Peyton asks

"Um Jed called me asking for you and-" she doesn't finish her sentence when Peyton takes a loud breath and turns to me.

"I'm sorry I have to go" she says as she looks at her friend Sky and they both start to run. I'm left watching them as they go.

It's selfish of me to feel upset over not spending time with her when we literally just met. I guess her just being here was a help something about her calmed me down.

I guess it was the universe telling me it was to soon to let her into my life back home or my mind I'm that matter. When she looked into my eyes it just made me want to tell her everything.

I take my usual walk and then get back home all I really had planed was seeing Peyton even when I forgot but now I'm stuck in my apartment with nothing to do and a clouded mind.

I turn my tv on and do what I use to do with Carter and watched the fosters. It had been so long since I'd seen the show that everything felt new again the only thing missing was my pretty girl who I was never going to share these moments with again.

I turn to my little table that's by my couch and see the picture of the day the twins were born I always keep it there and as much as I tell myself to remove it I can't.No matter how stupid I am I can't forget that they are a part of me and I'd never forget.

The picture gave me strength everyday, it got me trough everything.

I wonder if this is how my whole life is going to be me moping around feeling sorry for myself. Because that's all it's been these past years, I've cried and cried every night. Living a life full of sadness waiting for the day that everything would change.

Truly nothing ever will if I don't make it happen, and that's life if you don't see change you get up and change it. I just don't know how and that's my struggle.

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Small chapter it'll get better! Comment and Vote - Janie 🦋