Love finds its way ❤ (on hold)

Be strong, be strong now ~ chapter 23

Hello guys :) I just had the feeling I need to warn you, in this chapter you might find some things who are to some readers disturbing and also if you are under 12 I woudn't recommend reading.

Also if you have selfharmed, you are or you're trying to stop this might be triggering so I strongly suggest you do NOT read this. 

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Saying good bay to Luna was definitely hard, full of tears and long tight hugs. We didn’t know when we’ll see each other again, but I hoped soon. I stayed with her all weekend and we had so much fun. On Saturday we had that long skype chat with boys so I slept in really late on Sunday so we didn’t have much time to do all the things we wanted to, but we appreciated those little things we did. Luna is a really close friend, a best friend and I really didn’t want to go but in the end I had to. I had to finish my packing.

Right now I’m lying in my bed not wanting to get out and start the work. It’s Monday and that means I’m going home tomorrow. I was really excited to see all the boys even though I won’t see Liam for another week or more. I didn’t really remember or know for how long he’s going to be on holidays with Danielle. When my alarm clock started ringing I knew I had to get up. I slowly moved my blanket and just lied on my bed until I started to be cold so I had to put warmer clothes on. This day didn’t start the best for me; I hoped it’s going to finish better. I put on some skinny jeans, a t-shirt and a hoodie like I always did in the mornings. I slowly walked to the bathroom to brush my hair and wash my face. I didn’t like how pale I was and almost unhealthy thin. When I was done in the bathroom I decided that I’m not going to eat just yet but I’ll start with a coffee from Starbucks. I took my jacket from the hanger, put my all stars on and I was ready to go. The walk to café was peaceful and the smell of the coffee was… I don’ know familiar. I remember how every morning my mum made coffee for herself and John. When I returned from Starbuck I saw Nate and his friends on the corner. They were laughing. I tried to walk by them like no one is there, that almost succeeded but Nate tripped me. I fall on the ground, spilling coffee all over me. Why is this day getting worse and worse?  They all started to insult me “you’re worth nothing” a tall blond guy screamed into my face, “waste of space” said another guy shaking his head, “you make me feel sick. How can you sleep at night?’’ Nate said and smiled. Tears streamed down my face. I didn’t want to believe them but was it all true? I’m pretty sure some things are. As they say in every lie there’s a piece of truth. They kept insulting me and I just sat there, on the cold ground listening to them and slowly started to believe every word they said. I don’t know when they left, I was still crying on the cold ground. My heart was torn apart. Those words hurt me so much… I finally got up and ran home, tears blocking my view. I was afraid all the memories are going to flowed back and the pain… The pain was too much to handle. I finally got back to the house. I ran upstairs to the bathroom and locked myself. I tried to calm myself down. I grabbed my phone and turned the radio on my phone on. I hoped some relaxing music will help. I tried to kep all the bad memories in the past. Because you know… It was the p a s t.

*flashback, 2 years ago*

“Why do you hate me?” I screamed at my mum, looking straight into her eyes. She just told me the ‘good news’. She was engaged. I didn’t like John very much even though he was nice. I am sure all men end up like my dad. I really needed some comfort but if you’re sister of the ‘great’ Liam Payne everyone wants to be your best friends so they could say they know the famous band One Direction. Even Liam wasn’t around, like usual – or it’s the band or his new girlfriend. Mum looked at me shocked “what Allison? I don’t hate you. I’m just trying to be happy” she said, her eyes were full of tears “I think you heard me mum” I said like the most heartless human on earth. I ran upstairs looking myself in the bathroom. I slowly opened the drawer. I knew exactly what I was searching for. I found the razor in the back of the drawer. I slowly made a very shallow cut. It hurt a bit and I felt better. So much better….

*end of flashback*

I exactly knew what would make me feel better in a second. This pain in my chest was so unreal, it hurt so much. If I would say this out loud it would sound unreal, like I’m just making it up… I tried to put a smile every day, to look normal in front of people I cared about so they wouldn’t worry. I found myself being more sad than happy, being more pessimistic and just a lost soul. I didn’t know what to do… Make the pain go away or try and hide it? I exactly knew which choice I’ll chose, I might regret it a second later but at this point I did not care. Before I had the strength to get up I heard a familiar sound on the radio. They were playing “Nobody’s home” by Avril Lavigne. This song describes perfectly my last 2 years of life. I couldn’t believe that a song knew me so well. When the song finished I slowly go up and started to search the bathroom. I didn’t want to think about what I’m doing and if it’s the right thing to do, the right way to fight it. I finally found what I was looking for – the razor. The fact I had a solution in my hand stop shaking that much. I felt the cold metal on my warm wrist and I slowly made my first cut. Warm blood slowly started to drip from my hand on the floor. I felt a bit better, the pain my heart getting a bit smaller. I made two more cuts, one deeper then the other. On the floor there was already a small puddle of blood but I didn’t care. Not one bit.  The pain in my heart was gone for now. That’s all that mattered.

 -Some time later-

 I cleaned the bathroom like nothing happened. Put some bracelets over my bandages so no one will suspect anything. I packed the rest of my thing, just left some clothes for tomorrow. Just one day before I see the boys again. One day. I didn’t even want to think about what Liam would say if he knew. I made my way to the kitchen; I turned on the radio and decided to prepare a bowl of soup for me. I needed something warm, I haven’t eaten anything today and it’s already 6pm. When the soup was ready, I increased the volume on the radio. I sat down and slowly started to eat, the soup was very hot. I closely listen to the song…

 Closing the door

Looking at the mirror

Nothing is like the way it used to be

Everything has changed along with me

Now I’m left here to cry

Always asking the same: Why?

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I wasn’t strong enough to fight

I wasn’t myself during the night

I always ended up doing the same

Now, I can’t recognize the girl in the frame

Is it too late to turn it all around?

I will anyway still have the wound

I have to make a new start

Pick up the pieces and fix my heart ♥

—

I can’t let myself crack

I promised I won’t go back

Those days are over for me

Now I can say I’m finally free

I haven’t felt like this before

Never gonna again hit the floor

“It just a song” I thought at first, but to be honest it wasn’t just a song to me, no I understood the lyrics far to well. I this moment I decided that what was done was done and that I need a fresh start. Tomorrow is gonna be my new fresh start.

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 Author's note:

So what do you think about this chapter? I wasn't sure how should I describe events in the bathroom... If you were going trough something similar or you are know that I am here to talk about it :) If you are more comfortable talking about it anonymously you can visit Teens Speak Up Now on tumblr (click external link) There they can help you a bit :) I'm sure of it :) Too all of you stay strong! Know that you are beautiful ♥

The song 'Fix my heart' was written by Dina (@awdirectioners) Thank you for letting me use it ♥