Yuri!!! On Ice Book 2

Chapter 5

May 3rd, 2018- Just after the Last Chapter-

Yuri's POV

"I love you." 

The words echo through my head as I walk through the night, repeating over and over again on a loop. I hug myself as I continue down the streets, all lit up with fairy lights and storefronts, but have no idea where I'm going. I just left him there, sitting on our bench all alone, but right now I don't think about that. Rather, I can't think about that. I don't understand this- I love you? That's huge, we're not there yet, I'm not ready for that. The look on his face as he said it though, so pure and genuine I can't believe it wasn't true. Just the thought of him in the moment before he said it brings a small smile to my face but it quickly fades however when I think of the expression on his when I didn't reply. I should've said something, I know I should have, but, I don't know what I would have. The only thing I could've said is the one thing I can't say. I don't love him. I don't. This is too new, it's too unsure. It's not stable, not dependable, I can't trust it so I can't possibly love it. Love him.

I think of my grandfather, the only person I'm sure I love, the only person I can trust always, and know it'll never be like that with Otabek. Romantic love is- different, to say the least. It's hesitant and inconstant, I mean, look at Yuuri and Victor- not the best example, granted, but the only one I have. They love each other more than anything but last year still sucked for them, one bad thing happened and their entire relationship deteriorated. What if something happened with us? I couldn't handle going through that, it's too much. It's not safe to care about another person that much, to rely on them to be happy. No, I can't get drawn in. Every time that's happened, every time I've loved someone unconditionally like that, they've disappeared. My dad died, my mom left, my grandpa's all I have, all I know. If I loved Beka and he left, I- I don't know what I'd do. So I can't love him, it's as simple as that. I have to stay separate from that dependence on him, I have to be able to live without him. It's the only way I can be sure I'll be safe.

I find myself turning down our street, unconsciously heading back to the apartment we share, and know I'll find him there. If I see him he'll want an explanation, a reciprocation or statement of some sort. I don't have that yet, I've barely started to figure it out, so I change course, rerouting to a small cafe the next block over. 

I order a small coffee and take a table in the back, trying to understand what's just happened and what lies ahead. I'm stirring it absentmindedly when the bell on the door jingles, someone entering. 

"Yurio!" Yuuri's friendly voice reaches me and I glance up, removing my eyes from the depths of the warm brown liquid to look at him. He stands at the entrance of the cafe and starts walking over to me before ordering. "A bit late for coffee isn't it?" 

"It's 7 o'clock," I mutter, not having the patience nor will to talk to him on a normal day, especially not now with so much on my mind. "Deal with it," 

He shrugs and, seeing I want to be alone, joins the small queue before the register. I appreciate this, but it doesn't last long as in a second he's back and sitting down across from me at the table. I make no move to welcome him, deeply wishing he'd leave me in peace, but he seems to mistake this for my trademark hostility and nothing more, and therefore ignores it. "Where's Otabek?" He asks me,

"The bench, I'd assume," I mutter, imploring him to drop the subject, being the thing I'm so troubled over to begin with.

"You'd assume?" Yuuri catches my phrasing and I inwardly cringe, why did I even respond! "You don't know?" I shrug my shoulders jerkily,

"Yeah, I don't track him 24/7, I'm not a creep," 

"Then why did you say the bench?" Yuuri inquires, sending me over the edge I was hovering so close to even before he came.