Step Brother 2: Jealousy (Completed)

Thirty

It's been 3 weeks since Rome woke up.
He was released 3 days ago, I didn't see him after the day he woke. I heard he moved back to London.

Today however was the day Loreto was being let home. I was nervous to say the least.

It was bittersweet, I was happy that he would finally be home, but on the other side of things, I was saddened, because Rome should have been here to take Loreto home with me. We should have done it together.

I'll never accept what's happened, I'll never truly accept that he's out of my life forever, but part of me knows it was all too good to be true, after everything I done to him. I didn't deserve a second chance, but I smile to myself as a tear rolls down my cheek, as I look at our little boy, I wouldn't change this second chance, because without it, I would have never known what it's like to truly be loved, Rome thought me that. I would have never laid eyes on our perfect son, and cradle him in my arms, because out of this storm, I got the most perfect blessing.
For that, I'm thankful.

We got into the house, and I became extremely overwhelmed. Bringing Loreto into the house for the first time, him in his car seat, with his warm blankets covering him, it reminded me too much of the first day I brought Rio home.
Nate wasn't there with us, just like Rome isn't now either.

My heart felt heavy as my mind rushes back to the small time I had with Rio.
I felt robbed, robbed of time.
She was so young.
She was robbed of all her firsts, and I was robbed of motherhood.

I remember the day after the wedding, sitting in the car next to Rome, I remember worrying how he'd react to Rio, but at the same time not caring, because she was the best thing to ever happen to me.

I got out of the car as soon as we parked up in the driveway, leaving my bags in the car. The excitement was like how I felt as a kid waking up Christmas morning.

I picked her up from her Moses basket, and I cradled her, kissing her tiny forehead. I had missed her so much, and I was away from her less than a day.

My eyes looked up to see Rome standing in the doorway looking at me and Rio, his eyes softened, and I could tell he wasn't shocked, he was in awe of her.

I handed her to him, my heart melted as I walked him, a big strong man, soften like butter as he held my tiny daughter.
His smile was wide and bright, and when she grabbed his finger, I swear I could see a tear in his eye.

Every time I watched him with her, it made me fall in love with him even more, I honestly believe she brought us closer together. Although she was a baby, I could tell she loved him. He may not have been her father, but he was her Daddy, he done everything a dad does for their child, everything Nate never did do.

So when I think back to losing her, I feel myself breaking all over again.
I know he was broken too, I guess at the time I wasn't thinking straight, to me she was my daughter, I forgot others would be hurting too. All the stuff I did after makes me ashamed, I know Rio wouldn't have been proud, and I know I caused more hurt to my loved ones, they were hurting enough without me adding to it.

I was lucky to get more chances at being a mother. Although part me wonders why, why can't I ever have a truly happy, honest relationship? Why have each of my children been brought into the world, just to have a broken home? Kaida may have been different, but look now, her father is no longer here. I feel guilty as a mother, I feel ashamed, because I brought them into the world, yet I couldn't provide a happy family for them.

I feel like life has ate me up and spit me out, time and time again.
This time however, I doubt I can really put the pieces together.
And I've only myself to blame.

But, I've decided I'm not allowing myself to feel sorry myself anymore.
It's not about me anymore, it never should have been.
My goal is my children, the ones on earth, and the ones in heaven.

...

"You know you can stay as long as you want, Kate." Mom says taking a seat beside me, I know she's worried, because she's fidgeting with her hands. "Mom, I'll be fine. I can't stay here forever. Besides by next week you'll be glad to get peace from us." I say with a forced laugh, trying hard to lighten the mood. It doesn't work though, because Moms face grows more sad, and she rests her hand on my knee. "Darling, you don't have to bottle it up." She lowers her voice, but she won't look at me. "Mom, no matter how I deal with it all, it's never going to change, so what's the point?" My voice raises slightly, and my Mom jumps as she's taken back my my tone. "Sorry. It's just I'd rather try focus on the kids, Mom." My voice softens, and I smile softly, trying desperately to get her to drop it. She's nods, feeling somewhat defeated, before she leaves the room.

She wants me to stay, although I haven't told her, my reasons isn't because I don't want to stay. Of course I do, I'd wouldn't be as lonely if I stayed, but I'd have the memories surrounding me constantly, and I fear that if they follow me constantly, I may lose control of myself again.

It's best if I try make new memories elsewhere. That's why next week, I've decided to move to Ireland. My Gran lives over there, my father's mother. It's a fresh start for me, and for Kaida. After everything we need it.

I'm ready to say my final goodbyes to my past. It's the only way I can move on, and try be happy.

...

"Have you everything?" Mom says hovering over me. "Yes Mom, I'm all set." I say putting my bags into the cab. "I'm going to miss you so much. All of you."
Mom says pulling me into a bear hug. I don't hesitate to hug her back. Neither of us know how long it will be before we see each other again. After we hug for 3 minutes straight, soaking each others shoulders with salty tears, Mom picks Kaida up. "Make sure you call me at least once a day." Mom manages with a shaky voice. "I will Grandma, I promise."

Mom turned to Loreto, who was fast asleep in his car seat, strapped safely into the cab. "My little man, I'll miss you too." She says placing a soft kiss on the top of his head.

I strapped Kaida into the cab, before giving my Mom, one last farewell embrace.

I got into the cab, clipping the seatbelt in place, as the cab drove off, my eyes never let my Mom's as tears fell down both of out cheeks. My heart felt heavy, I didn't want to say goodbye, every fibre of my being wanted to tell the cab driver to stop, but I knew I had to do this.

It was time for me to say goodbye.
It was time to let my past, stay in the past.