I HATE Mondays. I swear I really hate it. It wasn't because of it being the beginning of the weekdays where I have to work from nine to eight. Or because I anticipated for the weekend so I could laze around my house all day and night.
I wish those were the reason. I really did.
It's because it's the day when I usually work overnight and I never told him that so he doesn't know that I could hear his groans as another woman moaned his name from behind my front door. He didn't know I sat in my car across the street from our house until the car, that unfortunately was recognizable to me, drove away. And even then I waited a few extra minutes before going into my own house to be greeted by him like nothing happened.
There I was. A coward not able to muster up the courage to confront him about his infidelity. To tell him off, so he could probably apology and embrace me for me to only quickly accept his apology like last time. That's all it took for me to take him back hoping he would love me enough to not make he "mistake" again.
Today, I sat in my car doing my usual routine of sitting there waiting for my boyfriend's side chick to finally leave the house. Her hair and clothing disheveled as she left my front door as if it was her own with Namjoon standing in the threshold with only his boxers on staring at the woman until she got into her car driving away.
I leaned my head against the steering wheel dried eye no longer able to cry having been in this situation for so long I've grown numb to the fact I'm sharing him with other people. I just sort of accepted it with the philosophy that as long as he comes home to me at the end of the day it okay. I'm the one he chosen out of the rest.
The thought was planted so deep in my head, but I knew it was bull. It was only me making up an excuse for him in order to not feel to bad about staying with him. Hiding the fact I know out of desperation to keep the person I loved with me. Yet he seems to not love me back.
Cranking up my car I pulled across the road into my driveway just staring at the garage. This time I didn't have to practice being exhausted so he wouldn't touch me because I really was. Each time he does it a piece of me turns into nothing and drains my energy.
Inhaling deeply I turned off the ignition taking out the key before walking up to the door that was unlock. He always forgets to lock the door behind them. "Namjoon, what I told you about always leaving the door unlocked?" I yelled into the dark house before putting my key onto the hook switching the light on like I was oblivious to his weekly cheating. At least what I think to be weekly. "Namjoon?"
A pair of large arms wrapped around my waist with his large chest on my slender back. I felt his warm breath graze the skin on the top of my ear as he embraced me from behind. It made my slight frustration disappear forgetting about the toxicity in this relationship. "You just got off work and you're yelling." I felt his soft lips touch my earlobes as he kissed it.
It made me feel dirty not knowing what his mouth been on of the woman he been here a few minutes ago. "I told you about leaving the door unlocked. You know how dangerous it is these days." I pulled out of his embrace turning around to jokingly scold him.
"Ah, sorry babe. I just forget sometimes." He shrugged his shoulders placing his large hands onto the side of my face pulling me in for a peck. Then he put his hands around my waist pulling me in as he kisses start to deepen.
I stretched my arms and yawned signaling I was tired. Even after having sex with someone else he had the nerve to try it with me. "I see you're not in the mood so Imma go on 'head to bed." He said getting my hint.
Namjoon walked sluggishly up the stairs like he worked on the weekdays. Probably going to sleep like a baby without any guilt in his soul. Every time he does it-it just-it just. I inhaled and exhaled to calm my nerve knowing going on outburst would only cause more problems and confusion.
Looking in the mirror I could see m insecurities growing. I watched as my features that I thought to be beautiful warped into something hideous, because I thought that was the reason his eyes wandered.
What is it that makes him go searching for another? Am I too dark? I did tan a bit over the Summer. Is it because of my plump lips and chubby cheeks? Or it could just be something wrong with him?
Even if I knew the answer it didn't stop my insecurities about myself. I couldn't help, but wonder if changing myself would make him love me again.
The thoughts soon wondered to the back of my mind before I followed Namjoon's path back upstairs.
Word Count: 905
