I'll Remember

Fourth Week

I've always been aware of the idea of being left behind. I had a fair share of people who came into my life and left. And I always think it was my fault. Siguro hindi ako enough. Kulang yung binigay ko. Maybe there's something wrong with me. If I had been any better maybe he would stay.

But he didn't.

My Dad left us.

And my heart was broken for the first time.

I was too young but I can vividly remember every fights my parents had. I've also heard rumors about my Dad bedding different women. However, I never hated him. He's a good father. He loves me dearly. He just failed to be a good husband.

"You're a tough cookie right? You'll take care of your mom for me." Dad told me as he put me to bed. He kissed the top of my head and I smiled. "Good night sweet heart."

"Good night Dad."

It was my worst night.

I heard screaming and the loud cries of my mom begging him to stay. My young heart was torn into pieces. There's nothing more painful than seeing your mother cry. I reached out to my mother with small hands and wiped her tears. I couldn't cry.

Kung iiyak ako, paano na si mommy? That's what I thought when I was six. I have to be strong for her. Kasi kami na lang dalawa.

I don't really know if she noticed that I always put a strong facade in front of everyone especially when it comes to her. I never cried ever since Dad left us. I put the burden to myself to protect my mom from further pain. Ako na lang yung masaktan, huwag lang siya. I hate seeing her cry. I can't bear it.

I grew far from the child that adores her father. Gone was his little girl who thought he's her hero. From then on, I find it hard to trust other people. Kaya wala akong naging kaibigan. I don't play outside like other kids. I'd rather read and study so mom can stop working. I was thinking I could work back then...I know it's silly. I built walls so people cannot enter. I don't want to let people in. Bakit pa, hindi ba? Hindi rin naman magtatagal. Iiwan din ako.

I became uptight and I matured fast because I want to be someone that my mother could depend on.

But you were different. You're full of life and very childish. You made me realize that somehow I was robbed of my childhood. You made me feel that it was okay to be a kid because in the first place, I'm still a kid.

"It's okay to cry, Troian. Bakit mo ba pinipigilan?" You asked while applying alcohol on a the huge bruise I got after crashing my bike on a tree. That was summer vacation before sixth grade when you taught me how to ride a bike.

"It doesn't hurt." Nag iwas ako ng tingin.

"You really are a tough cookie." Idiniin mo ang pagdampi ng cotton sa sugat ko. You were so amused when my tears automatically fall from my eyes. "Sakit diba?"

Tough cookie. Dad used to call me that.

"Stop it!" I hit you. Pinanlisikan kita ng mata.

"Sorry, I'll be gentle." You softly caressed my face to wipe my tears. You pouted to stop yourself from grinning too much. You were enjoying every bit of my misery.

"That was clearly on purpose!"

"Oo nga. Sinadya ko talaga." You put a cute band aid after you were done. You softly smiled at me. "If you feel happy, you can smile or laugh. If you're angry, then show it and be really mad. If you're sad and hurting, you can cry. You don't have to hide what you feel."

Skandar, you made me realize a lot of things. It's okay to feel pain, broken and shattered. You told me to acknowledge my feelings. I must not hide it or set it aside. You want me to express myself and what I feel. Hindi ko kailangang magpanggap na matatag kapag wasak na wasak na ko. Hindi ko kailangang ngumiti kung hindi naman ako masaya. You want me to stop wearing a mask. You want me to be true to myself. You want me to be honest because what I feel is real. It makes me human, you said. And that's what makes a person beautiful.

I was hurting

My heart is extremely aching

I don't want others to know

But you told me it's okay to let it show

You said what I feel is real

And it's not something I have to conceal

Be happy, sad and angry

Let your emotions remind your mind that you're alive to live truthfully.

I'll remember.

-T.A