I'll Remember

Twelfth Week

When I thought everything in my life has been doing better, my father decided to be in the picture.

I was fine without him. Nasanay na kong wala siya sa buhay ko. When he left us, I tried to understand him. When he cheated on my Mom, I tried not to hate him.

But then, he just kept on disappointing me. Paulit ulit niyang sinaktan si Mommy. And I can never let it pass.

He annulled her and quickly moved on to build his new family with his mistress.

I hate him.

I really fucking do.

And then now, he expects me to visit him every weekend. Mom told me it's part of their agreement.

Ayaw ko! Anong kaplastikan iyon? For almost ten years he was never present. Tapos ngayon nagpapakitang tao siya at gustong makipag "bonding" sa akin.

If he really meant it, diba dapat dati pa? But of course, he reasoned out with his cliché bullshits that Mom kept me away from him.

Like I would believe that.

He just can't pretend like everything's all right between us. Ang daming nangyari at wala siyang pinakitang kahit katiting na pakialam. And now he wants to be a father to me all of a sudden.

Nagkasagutan lang kami nang dumalaw ako sa kanila. I didn't know that I was capable to be that angry. Everytime I looked at him, I'm reminded of the man who left us. I'm reminded of his unfaithfulness. I'm reminded of his broken promises.

He wanted his mistress to be called 'Tita'. I don't even want to say her name. She's the reason why my mom was miserable. She doesn't deserve my respect. I can't stand to be near her. The only thing that restrain me is the fact that she's pregnant. Kahit galit ako sa kanila, ayaw kong may mangyaring masama sa anak nila.

I hate that she's trying too hard to be on my good side. Pinipilit niyang magpaka-nanay sa pakikitungo sa akin. Eh ilang taon lang ba siya? Parang nasa mid-twenties pa lang!

And when I went home that day, nagkulong pala si Mommy sa kwarto niya. She tried to smile at me but it's very easy to notice her eyes that were swollen from crying. She told me she was scared that I would be persuaded to stay with my father. Natatakot siyang baka iwanan ko siya.

Parang may humaplos sa puso ko nang marinig iyon. She's the most important person in my life. Hinding hindi ko siya kayang iwanan.

Maaaring maraming pait ang binigay sa akin ng buhay na ito, pero lahat iyon napawi dahil binigay din sa akin si Mommy. Kakayanin ko ang lahat para sa kanya.

I think you know me too well, Sky. Ikaw lang ata ang nakapansin na malungkot at nasasaktan ako. I don't know how you noticed that there's something wrong. Hindi ko naman pinahahalata kapag nasa school. Si Magui nga walang alam eh.

I just thought that I'm beginning to be okay again. Hindi pa pala. Masakit pa rin pala. Hindi ko pa rin kayang patawarin ang tatay ko. Hindi ko pa rin kayang kalimutan ang lahat.

I thought I was numb. Akala ko sanay na ko sa sakit. Akala ko lang pala.

Kakatapos lang ng Physical Education class namin kaya kumuha ako ng pamalit na damit sa locker.

When I opened it, a note suddenly fell. Mabilis kong pinulot iyon at binasa. Alam kong galing sayo ulit.

We didn't really interact with each other after you left the first note in my locker. It was okay. I also wanted to take this slow. I don't want to force you if you're not ready to be friends with me again. I just appreciate the little gestures.