"Naiinggit ka?" That was the first thing you asked me when we went out of the hospital.
Two days after you got sick, sabay tayong nag-enroll. Siyempre, nagpabida ka na naman sa akin na may pupuntahan tayo pagkatapos ng kailangang gawin sa school. You were so excited about it. Nakikipag high five ka pa sa lahat ng nakakasalubong natin.
Date. Sabi mo date. Mama mo date.
Feeling ka rin eh.
But there are times that life doesn't work the way we want it. Feeling ko nga hindi talaga pinahihintulutang matuloy ang plano mo.
Unang beses, nagkasakit ka. I still can't get over your closet. Every time I asked you about it, iniiba mo ang usapan. We both cried. At alam kong hindi simpleng bagay ang dahilan nito. I just don't want to force you if you're not ready to tell me.
And then for the second try, my father had some news for me. Pero at least, tapos na tayong mag-enroll.
My Dad wanted me to go to the hospital because his partner already delivered my baby brother.
I guess, I don't really know what to feel when I heard his good news. Should I be happy? May kapatid na ako. But their new and growing family is one of the reason why I'm miserable.
Napabayaan ako eh.
When I told you about it, you didn't hesitate to cancel your reservation. Kung ano man yung plano mo, wala na. Sira na naman. I felt really conflicted. Some part of me doesn't really want to go to the hospital.
Sana natuloy na lang. Ilayo mo na lang ako para makalimot. I would be happier with you, anyway.
I was pulled out with my train of thought when you held my hand. My hands were cold compared to yours.
And without uttering a word, I was again comforted by you. I was reminded that I'm with you. I'm not facing them alone. Kasama kita.
Dad's beaming smile welcomed us. Para siyang nanalo sa lotto sa sobrang saya niya. Sa wakas, may anak na siyang lalaki. Niyakap niya ako nang mahigpit at tuwang tuwang ipinakita ang kapatid ko.
He looks so small.
Mukhang tiyanak.
Pero sobrang saya ni Dad.
I was just nodding the whole time while Dad can't stop talking about her partner's labor and smooth delivery. My brother's first cry, his weight, his first breast feed.
Buti na lang nandoon ka at ikaw ang nag-entertain sa sobrang sayang tatay ko. His partner was asleep. Mukha siyang pagod. Si Dad ang kasama ng baby for some sort of quality time. Sabi niya maganda daw sa baby na naririnig yung heartbeat ng parent.
Pollux Crichton Nevarez. That's my brother's name. Hindi ko matanggal ang tingin ko sa kanya. Daddy was busy talking to you.
Lux purred like a kitten. Nag-iinit ang gilid ng mata ko. He looks so innocent. And I knew then, that I would love him even though his parents hurt my family.
I couldn't believe I was capable of setting aside my resentment of his father. I thought I'm just going to be indifferent. I would acknowledge his existence. I have a brother and that's it. I won't hate him but I'm not going to spare love for him either.
But the first time I saw him, I knew I could love him.
"My brother is so lucky." I sighed.
Diretso lang ang lakad natin. Lagpas na sa parking. Hindi ko alam kung saan pupunta. Hindi mo naman ako pinipigilan at nakasunod ka lang sa akin.
"I wonder...ganoon kaya kasaya si Dad nung pinanganak ako? Did he smile from ear to ear? Did he cradle me in his arms and placed me near his chest to listen to his heartbeat too? Ganoon ba siya kaexcited ibalita na ipinanganak na ko sa mundo? Was he there to hear my first cry too?" Lahat iyon tumatakbo sa isip ko nang pinagmamasdan ko ang aking ama na sobrang saya para sa kapatid ko.
"Oo. Naiinggit ako. Sobra"
When Dad left us, I never felt envious to other children who have complete family. Okay lang, I still have Mom. I can live with that. I am contented. Orphans and abandoned children had it way worse. Kaya hindi ako naiinggit. Dahil may nanay na nagmamahal sa akin. At naiintindihan ko yung sitwasyon.
For ten years. I accepted it.
For ten years. I never longed for him.
But when I saw him with his eyes full of love for my brother, napatanong ako Sky. Saan yung pagmamahal niya para sa akin? Why doesn't he look at me the same way? Naexpire na ba yung love niya simula nung iniwan niya ko?
Ang unfair talaga.
Tough cookie kasi ako. The nickname he used to call me.
Kaya niya kong iwan kasi matatag ako? Ganoon ba 'yun? Hindi ko na kailangan ng pagmamahal ng isang ama kasi kaya ko naman kahit wala?
And a frail baby needs his love and affection. Kaya niyang ibigay ng buong buo para sa kapatid ko.
Walang para sa akin.
"It's natural to be envious. Good thing, you're feeling it. Tao ka pa." You chuckled. Mahina mong tinapik ang likod ko. "Gusto mo ng ice cream?"
"I'm sorry kasi nasira na naman yung plan mo. I even dragged you to my messed up life."
"Hmm...mess is good. Mess means we're learning." Nilahad mo ang kamay mo at tinagilid ang ulo.
I slid my hand into yours and slowly interlaced our fingers. You frowned while looking at our hands. Pumungay ang mga mata mo habang nakatingin din sa bracelet na suot ko. I always wear it.
That's the first time we interlaced our fingers while holding hands. Mukha ka tuloy problemado at namumula.
"I want mint chocolate flavored ice cream." I softly squeezed your hand to bring you out of your trance.
"Yuck...lasang toothpaste." Panunuya mo nang nakabawi.
We fought all day over petty things. Ilang beses mo pa kong kinuhanan ng picture habang kumakain ng ice cream. I looked so ugly because my face were full of tears. Tawa ka ng tawa habang umiiyak ako.
"Stop crying already." Hawak mo ang phone mo at nakatapat sa akin. You took a video of me!
"Ang sarap. Tikman mo na kasi." I said while wiping my tears. I was sobbing while eating my ice cream. Nagmomoment lang. Hindi ko rin mapigilang matawa dahil para akong tanga.
Dagdag pa na naiinis din ako sayo dahil ayaw mong ibuka ang bibig mo kapag sinusubuan kita.
"Okay, baby." You opened your mouth, finally giving in to my request. You held my hand in place and gazed at me while I feed you a spoon full of mint chocolate chip ice cream.
"Happy?" You licked your lower lip. And I nodded cutely.
Hindi na ko naiiyak.
I felt envious
I wish I was in my brother's shoes
My Dad loves him dearly
His eyes full of glee
I wonder if he had love left for me
The little girl inside longed for her daddy
But then a colorful sky came along
And you made me feel a new kind of love that will last for so long.
I'll remember
-T.A
BINABASA MO ANG
I'll Remember
Teen Fiction"No one you love is ever truly lost." -Ernest Hemingway Troian Nevarez likes to keep her true feelings to herself. She doesn't like to open up to others. She built walls strong enough not to let people in. Life played with her and the world had lef...
